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how do you leave someone who relies on you for everything??
I'm in such desperate need of you're advice. I have reached an extreme breaking point and I kindly ask for as many responses as possible!!!
In April 2012 I met a guy and told him very clearly that I did not want a relationship. He kept pushing tho and I was an idiot who couldn't resist the attention. Long story short... we're still together. I realize leading him on was a huge mistake. I don't need anyone telling me I messed up. However please note that he knows we're not an official couple. I've made it clear!!
I do love him but I've been trying to get him out of my life for months and months and here's the awful part; he is 11 years older than me and his parents finally kicked him out of the house around the same time he got fired. He was a chain smoker and alcoholic and so are all his unreliable friends. He has no where to go and at this point no friends or family to turn to.
He has done so much better with the smoking and he rarely drinks now and says its because of me. And before I move on I must point out how literal I am when I say he has NO friends or family he can turn to... so you can imagine my predicament... I'm stuck. I do love him very much, I can't just throw him to the streets. :( what kind of person would do that to someone they love?!
He has been in and out of state working and when he's gone I feel so free and happy. But now he refuses to go out of state again and is having a hell of a time finding a job. I feel like if he just had a job then I could leave cuz he wouldn't rely on me so much but as of now he has no car go find a job so he needs mine and he has no phone so on his applications he puts my number. ...he is 35 and he relies on a 24 year old!!! I hate taking care of him.
He has 2 weeks before his unemployment stops coming in and he won't be able to stay at the extended stay hotel we've been in for 5 weeks. If he doesn't have income by then, he's homeless! I'm leaving the country in June for a month so he will have no where to go. My roommate hates him so he can't stay at my apartment. Which I'm kinda grateful for!!
I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed that I've actually has horrible thoughts of him dying and the burden being lifted... which I definitely don't want to happen but its awful that those thoughts are there.
If I just leave he will be alone in this world and I'll be a bitch. Or I can stay super miserable and keep taking care of him but at least he'll have a roof over his head and food to eat.
Please help. Please!!!! :'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(
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One thing you can do is take the help of a female friend and ask her to make friends with him and start helping him the way you do.. at the same time you be extremely nice to him verbally but stop helping him by some excuses.. this way you can find out whether he truly loves you or not..but this will take some time ..may be a year..when you finally get the answer you may get the answer to all your questions
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There was something you wrote that was a catch phrase for me. "He has done so much better with the smoking and he rarely drinks now and says its because of me.
That reads as "he has not stopped smoking or drinking and he uses his almost sobriety as a way to keep you near him almost against your will.
My brother in-law is a 25 year recovering alcoholic. He has been sober this long only after hitting bottom which for him was waking up in the drunk tank one day. If he was writing this he would tell you the best thing you can do for your guy would be to leave him for as long as you stay with him you are enabling him.
Before he is able to stop drinking, which is his main problem, he has to hit bottom. This is what you would be told if you attended al-anon program meetings. Al-anon is a program designed to help friends and families of people with dependencies such as alcohol and drugs. It is a support type group which is almost a companion group to alcoholics anonymous.
Everyone's bottom is different. As I said my brother in-laws bottom was waking up in the drunk tank. Funny part of this for him is that the arresting officer is now his best friend and is responsible for getting him into AA. Once you hit bottom groups like AA can be a big help though until a person hits there own bottom taking them to groups like AA is like leading a horse to water, you can lead them there but you can't make them drink.
From what you have written that by your being there and supporting him you are unfortunately, out of love for him, enabling him and keeping him from hitting bottom. This has to be a tough love type situation. If he is to recover he has to first fail which means you have to walk away.
You don't have to take my word for this if you think I'm wrong or being to hard. Try going to an Al-Anon meeting. The following URL is the location section of their website which will help you find a meeting place near your home.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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It is wonderful that you care enough about another human being that you want to help him out.
As long as you are not below legal age, being 11 yr age gap is not a problem.
At 23 when you met him, you had no idea that the warning signs were blinking furiously at you but due to no life experience, you had no idea.
The warning signs were a 34 yr old man still living with his parents? That is a big one. It means he was unable to make good adult decisions on his own.
Another is that he was alcoholic and chain smoker. His parents knew if they kept taking care of him, that they would only continue enabling him to stay stuck where he is. The economy may be bad but he must have had some money. It takes a lot of money to pay for cigarettes if you chain smoke and even more money to drink all day long? He really could have been making some headway. My ex used to complain if I bought 2nd hand clothes for kids for school yet he went to Starbucks 3 times a day or more and bought extra stuff sometimes. I added up monthly amounts spent over 6 months and averaged it out. It came to $250. a month on something that he had nothing to show for. Thats $1,500. spent over 6 mos. Thats crazy for a coffee habit. I guarantee your guy was spending a heck of a lot more. That money could have been put towards some plan to get ahead.
People need to hit rock bottom before they sometimes decide to change. If somebody "Rescues" that person and prevents the inevitable from happening, the person doesnt get the chance to learn. Many people today are homeless due to job loss. They weren't dependant on someone to take care of them, so when life dealt them a blow, they looked for another avenue to take for a living situation, food and so on. Your guy has been dependant on his parents for way too long.
It seems one of your life lessons to learn is to be able to discern when your help given is going to benefit a person or when help given is going to enable them to stay stuck. I am sorry I couldn't give you any better news. Don't feel bad about yourself. We all have to learn this at some point. Heck even parents have to get this when raising kids. Allow them to do things and figure out things on their own with advice from parents or rescue them every time they cant come up with a solution so they never learn. See, we all have to learn this. Not stepping in to help doesnt make you a bitch any more than it makes the parent in my example an ogre. Chin up girl, enjoy your time out of the country and don't worry about him. Leave that to his angels to tell him what to do. He'll figure it out. He's a big boy and its time he learns on his own how to sink or swim
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