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Is it inappropriate to talk to my daughter's boyfriend?
I am really at a loss her. My adult daughter has two children and is divorced. She has been seeing a nice young man off and on for a couple of years. I contacted him by text one weekend to ask if he knew if her boys had bought something for her for a special occasion. If not, I was going to take them shopping. He answered my question and that was the end of it. Well, now she's told me that it's inappropriate for me to contact her boyfriend without her knowledge. I explained what had taken place but she insisted I was in the wrong and must respect her boundaries. Was that inappropriate?
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This is one of those questions that has no right answer. You said; "She has been seeing a nice young man off and on for a couple of years." This puts their relationship in question." Is he a boy friend, a boyfriend or future husband? By virtue of the off and on again relationship he is not at this time as seen by her a future husband or a even maybe a boyfriend.
In her mind by contacting him about what she sees as what might be a very intimate family related question. You have given him reason to think his status with her has elevated to the area of boyfriend." Divorced people are very timid in general when it comes to that next relationship so they are sometimes overly cautious in categorizing their relationships. In your daughters mind you crossed a boundary she may have established for herself.
That was her side of the story. Putting myself in your shoes. If this person is someone I know who has been to my home on more than one occasion. Who has dated my daughter and knows my grandchildren well enough that he may have been allowed to take them shopping. Then I would have done the same thing as you did and called him so as not to spoil a surprise for her.
As I said to begin with there is no right answer here. I see you both as being wrong and right. She is wrong to have said what she did. You unknowingly crossed a boundary she has. Know that you know I'm sure you won't do it again. She needs to tell you if she has any other boundaries that you need to be aware of so that you don't inadvertently cross them. On a scale of 1 to 10 of wrong this ranks maybe as a 2 for your daughter has never informed you of her boundaries.
My son when he gets comfortable with a girl friend he brings her to meet us. At that point she is a girlfriend and we can consider her as part of the family and discuss openly anything we would normally discuss or talk about with other family member present. These are his boundaries and he set them with us a long time ago. I would suggest to keep peace with your daughter in the future you do the same with her. As far as any wrong doing on your part now?
I don't think so. I think in the same situation I would have done as you did.
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The part I dont understand is how you even have his cell number to text if you aren't acquainted with him well enough through your daughter to have it.
If this has been a period of a few years, I would think that he would have met all of her family many times and been on a close friend basis by now.
What I am gathering from what you wrote is that this gift is something you wanted her to be surprised about and that is why you did not directly ask her? Am I correct? How old are the boys? Old enough to shop on their own and make decisions what to get mom I hope. But not all sons are as thoughtful as a daughter may be and may have overlooked to pay attention to this detail. I am assuming teen age or older kids. Younger ones are unable to get mom a gift on their own and your asking him if they had would definitely sound strange to me. >She obviously would not have been expecting any gift from school age children. I have to guess at so many scenerios without more info here.
But I come back to wondering, if daughter wanted her dating life to be really private...why did she allow you to have his cell number to begin with? Something just doesnt add up for me. Maybe I am dense or maybe there's more to this story than meets the eye. All I can say is since she has made her boundaries clear you must honor them. Whether you did something inappropriate, I cannot tell by what I've been told. Sorry.
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In a way yes, You're best bet would of been to contact your daughter not her boyfriend.
Whether or not it would be inappropriate would depend o. How well you know him, How long they been together etc. If you randomly approached the situation then yes, You were wrong.
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