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Controling Parents.
I'm 19 years old, turning 20 in a few months.
I feel as though as my father is extremely controlling and is having a negative impact on me.
For reference, he has been diagnosed with depression for a while now.
Basically, I am an adult now and I'm still treated like a child. My Dad gives little importance to my opinions and feelings, and is always pushing his beliefs and his opinions on me.
He is also always trying to control EVERY THING I do. For example, today is Good Friday, and the day is absolutely gorgeous outside.
I want to go outside by the lake, take a walk(It's about a 15 minute walk), read a good book, sit, relax and even meditate but my Dad says I can't. It's not like we have plans for today, we aren't seeing family and we don't celebrate Good Friday.
I`m just extremely fed up with my Dad trying to control me for no reason. I'm doing my best to try and be as respectful as I can given the circumstances so I don't necessarily rebel when he says no or whatever.
But like.. when does it cross the line? And how do I deal with this situation in the best possible manner and respectfully?
I'm entitled to my independence and my right to do what I want. I'm not doing ANYTHING wrong.
I basically have no life, and I don't do much all day. Everything I do is a problem for my Dad. He's just such a negative and draining person, it's hard to be around him.
If I want to go outside? That's a problem, because ''life isn't about having fun.''
If I want to bake? ''Stop doing stupid things. It's expensive.''
If I want to cook? ''Too expensive. Just eat whatever we have.''
If I want to go outside with friends? ''You don't need friends. They're not going to get you anywhere, and you can't trust anyone. Life isn't about having fun.''
If I want to decor the house. ''It's too expensive.''
If I do nothing but sit on the computer all day. ''You're not doing anything with your life.''
Like seriously, what the hell. I can't even DO anything because he always has something to say about everything. Everything he says is SO SO SO negative, that I'm actually frightened that it's going to rub off on me.
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I think scared that your growing up. Have a sit down talk with him or ask him to go for a walk with you by the lake. Try bonding with him. And tell him you want to bond with him because that may show him a light of happiness. And than ask if you can do what you want to do. Try to brighten his day so he can brighten yours. I wish you luck and hope this helps
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This is how some parents are. Mine were really crazy too. I was 18 and they were trying to tell me that I couldn't go out on a date or apply for the job I wanted. It was ridiculous. But hey, you're 19. Isn't it kind of ridiculous that he's being like this and you haven't moved out yet? I'm not trying to be mean here because remember, I was in a similar situation. It's just that you can't really complain about your life this much when you can just go out and do something about it. You don't have to live there. It's really time that you left. I did. I got the job that I wanted and I ended up marrying the guy that I wasn't supposed to see. Money was tight for awhile, but life is amazing now. My parents are much better now and I enjoy visiting them. They really just didn't know how to deal with having an adult child in the house. I'm sure that there are reasons why you haven't left yet, but if you really are going to decide to stay because of those reasons, stop complaining because it's YOUR CHOICE at this point. Good luck!
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Having suffered from depression myself I understand where you are coming from and how you feel. I also understand the pain of depression and how your dad is feeling. My one hope is that since he is diagnosed with depression he is getting the proper help.
If your father is aware of his diagnoses and not getting help then there is no excuse for him. Depression does not go away by itself. It requires help from qualified medical professionals and medication.
Your father is the way he is because of the depression. Depression hurts both physically and mentally. By trying to control everything in our world we think we are controlling our pain. That is not what is happening because by trying to control everything we create more stress on ourselves which creates more pain, which deepens the depression.
I've explained all this to you so that you understand the how and the why of your fathers illness. Also depression is hereditary so you have to watch for the signals in your own life.
Now how do you protect yourself or help yourself in your current situation. The best way would be to get your father to the proper doctors. The doctors he should be seeing are a Board Certified psychiatrist for medication and a psychologist for talk therapy.
No your dad is not crazy but the hormones that control mood and depression are secreted into the brain. A psychiatrist is the best doctor to treat this illness. A Board Certified psychiatrist has all the proper training and fellowships and is the most qualified to help.
The talk therapy helps to find what is causing the stress that is causing the depression. Once that is found the psychologist will help your dad to find better ways to deal with this stress.
You are right about the fact that you are legally an adult. I say legally because under the law you are an adult. To your father you are still just a child and as a female all fathers see their daughters as their little girls even when they are all grown up and have families of their own. This and the fact that you may still not be quite ready to leave the nest and fly on your own.
What you have to do is very politely and calmly explain to your dad that you are working your way into the adult world. Be it through college or through working. That you are an adult now and he cannot control you they way he did when you were in high school. TBe it work or school you have certain responsibilities now that have to come before him and you cannot allow him to have the control over your life he once had. As you tell him this make sure to assure him that you love him and respect him. That you will do your best to honor him but there will be times when your needs are going to have to come first.
My son had to do this with me. It took time for this to sink in and several joint visits by the two of us to my therapist but it finally got through to me.
Being a controller is a depressive persons hold on the world they live in. Without the control they become, I'm not sure how to phrase this so it is understandable. But without the control we become lost in the world we live in and it becomes a dark place.
I'm past that place now and never want to go back there. While your there you don't realize it is the wrong place. You need to help your father realize there is a better place for him to be outside his depression. A far happier place one that will allow him to enjoy his daughter and hopefully his grandchildren some day.
I hope this all made sense to you. It is hard to explain you really have to have been there and no you don't want to be there.
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I think it's time for you to do what you want with YOUR LIFE. You're 19. Legally an adult. Maybe it's time for you to get a job and move out. And if you're not in college, maybe it's time to go. No one is stopping you but yourself.
I hope this helps.
~Andrew~
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