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18/f
My boyfriend and I are having problems. We've been together for over a year and I really care about him.
We've been getting in little arguments that escalate. But it's normally when something is upsetting me. Nothing really specific about him upsetting me, just like either family or something going wrong. But if I get emotional, he ignores me. Later I'll ask him why he does this, and then he gets defensive and throws it back on me. He usually says things like, I'm not perfect.
But this is happening for the past couple months. He hasn't always been like this.
I feel like if I try too hard, it'll push him away. I don't nag him or anything.
He is absolutely great when I'm in a good mood but if I'm not, he acts almost heartless. Last night I called him around 11 about something bothering me. He's normally really good at being there for me. He didn't answer so I sent him a text and he started texting in caps to let him sleep.
Maybe this is my fault? I'm really trying to figure out if this is me or if something is going on with him. He's so sweet if I'm in a normal mood.
Should I give him space? I've let him know that it hurts me but I get the same response.
It's not like I'm crying every day. I'm hardly ever upset but lately, if I ever am, this happens.
Is it anything I'm doing? Any advice would be appreciated.
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The problem is him not you. You don't say how old he is though if you two are of the same ages or with in a year or two of the same age his response to your needing his love and support when you are feeling down or overwhelmed is something he has yet to learn.
There are guys his age that have the maturity to handle being loving and supporting when their significant other, as this is a problem that goes both ways, needs love and support.
The question is will he learn these skills as he continues to grow and mature in his relationship skills. For the answer to this question you need to look at his parents relationship. Do they display the loving support you are looking for from your boy friend.
Why look to his parents to find your answer? As children we all learn from our parents. Most boys will for the most part follow in their fathers foot steps when it comes to relationships. If his father is they type who is a hands off handle it yourself I can't be bothered; then the sons will most likely be the same way. Family culture plays a role in a boys development as well.
My wife worked with a women who's husbands father told him, "boy if you can't handle your women your not much of a man." This was told to him when she finally had enough and filed for divorce. The threats made against her by him and his family were enough to have me granted a carry permit for a gun to protect her.
So this is why I say look to his father and see what he is like and you will see what the future will be like with him. Part of any relationship is being supportive of each others needs. Some guys feel that being supportive of each others needs simply mean being supportive of the other person sexual needs.
Sex and sexual attraction are the smallest part of a relationship. At some point the sex becomes routine and you need more in order for the relationship to grow and mature. I have no idea if you and he are sexually active together but your relationship regardless of the sex is at the point where it needs to grow and mature into a relationship where you both are there for each other. He has not reached that point and many never will.
No matter how much you may feel you love him you need to take a serious look at this relationship and decide if you can live with the one sidedness of it. In other words it may be time to show him the door and find someone who will show you the love, support and respect you deserve.
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The only thing you're doing wrong in this situation is continuing to stay with a person that doesn't have any empathy for you.
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You use the words "heartless", "defensive", and "ignores" to describe the person you love. Come to think of it, you didn't say that you loved him. This is not the foundation for a lasting, quality relationship. He won't change his ways. This is his personality. You deserve much, much more than this. It is his responsibility as your partner to care about you enough to empathize with your struggles. That's the whole point of being in a relationship with someone. He does not love you enough for you to be in a relationship with him. You need to end this relationship now before it gets more serious. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life enduring this kind of neglect? He's not going to change. This is the pattern he's created with you and it will continue. This is how the two of you relate. You cannot accept this for yourself. I know that it's no easy thing to just end it after a whole year, but it would be much harder to wait and have to have to end it after 6 years, a marriage, and 2 kids, wouldn't it? This is not a healthy relationship and it is not your fault. You're not doing anything outrageous or even slightly out of the ordinary when it comes to human behavior. He is not a good match for you and he is treating you like garbage. He is not the authority on what you are worth. Him treating you badly is not a reflection of you - it's a reflection of him. Your worth is not in your ability to make him care. Do not see those people that treat you badly as a challenge. Attaining his attention when you're down is not a success that makes you worthy. He should be giving that to you without making you work for it. It is so cruel for him to be doing this to you. Find someone that doesn't make you work to feel like you're worth something. That is the ultimate show of love. Be very careful, though. I've heard a lot of what you're saying before - out of the mouths of girls that are being abused. You may be prone to getting involved in abusive relationships. I'm not saying you're being abused now, but for your next relationship don't try to go after someone that puts you down so much that when they do give you the slightest compliment or bit of attention, it means the world. I'll bet food tastes sooo good when you're starving, but you can't forget that the same person that gave you the food is also the one that's starving you. I wish you the very best of luck. You can do so, so much better for yourself and have such an insanely happier life by moving on from this.
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