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Love him or leave him?
I am a 48 year old single mother of 2 young adult children. I met him 5 years ago and the chemistry and connection was so intense from that moment. Here is my problem.......I am so in love with this man, but he tells me that he wants to have his own biological children. He actually broke up with me in 2009 because he felt he had to do this even though he agrees (and so does EVERYONE who knows us and sees us together) that we have this incredible bond. We eventually hooked up again, but we seem to be Best Friends with Benefits. We are amazing together on every level...emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. My kids adore him and he adores them. We are not a couple yet when we are together we do everything that couples do. He knows he can count on me for anything and visa versa. He tells me that I am amazing woman.....caring, honest, trusting, dependable, beautiful inside and out......but then WHY won't he go further with me? I know that I should ask him because I do not want to do this forever, but I am afraid that he will walk away for whatever reasons he has and then I will never see him again. So I am doing this because the alternative is worse......Losing Him. He knows that I go out and that the possibility of meeting someone is there, but yet he still makes no moves. I THINK THAT MAYBE IT IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE HAS MY HEART AND I WOULD NEVER WALK AWAY.He is building a house and sometimes he asks me..."So where should the his and hers closets go? Would you prefer the 2 sinks on the same counter or should we do them on separate counters? Hun, imagine being in the hot tub outside and then walking to the master bath in the jacuzzi bath?". He seems to talk about me in his short term future, but when he talks about his long term, I do not seem to be in it. He has NOT done any dating (not seriously anyway) as per his close friends. So HOW is he going to find "HER" and fall in love.....date her long enough to find out if she is HER.....marry HER and then hope that she can in fact have kids (I had infertility issues in my mid 20's)since he is now 48 and she would have to be at least in her early to mid 30's. I get asked out a lot by really nice men, but I compare the connection to him. And I won't settle. He has never been married and never had kids and his best friend is the same. His friend likes to go to vegas and they go together a lot and that bothers me. So, If I am "all that" then what is wrong? I actually told him that I would have his child via surrogate (he actually proposed that to me in October) and ever since I so-called his bluff, he has not mentioned it since although he cried when I told him I would do it for him and with him only!!!!!! I am stuck and don't know what to do. I would do anything for this man. He told me that he is afraid of losing people he loves......His dad(of a heart attack), his sister (of ALS) and then he says......"And I am afraid of losing you". That is the closest he has every come to saying that he loves me. When we make love there have been times when he gets tears in his eyes when he looks into my eyes right after. There are times we have cried together. What is he afraid of? Is it that he does not want to give up his batchelorhood.......go and come as he pleases.....not have to answer to anyone......Then why say to everyone who knows him that he wants to get married and have children? I have offered him all that. He has offered to take me to Vegas many, many times and many, many times since he has gone, but with his single friend who has a passion for strippers. He invites me to his best friends house for dinner and they have told me that he just does not allow just anyone into his life.....you have to be very special to be in it. They all adore me and think that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. I do not want to lose him as that would be like grieving a death. When together, he is the one who reaches for my hand.....he is the one who reaches to kiss me......he is the one who holds me tight in bed as we fall asleep and kisses me gently through the night. Am I wasting my time? What is with all the confusing and mixed messages? But again, I am afraid to ask because he might feel pressure and walk away, although he once said he could not live without me in his life. People search a life time to find what we share,,,,,,,,,why would he not want to keep it forever? Why would he want another man to have all that I give to him Mind, Body and Soul??
Please help.
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Your situation is not all that unique. While neither of you can be considered middle aged you both can, in differing ways, be felt to be set in your ways.
He is telling you one thing verbally though his actions are saying just the opposite. He is telling you he wants biological children. Yet to have them would mean finding a women to marry young enough to be his daughter or at the very least a much younger sister. Realistically this presents a social problem for him with his circle of friends. While May - December marriages work better with older women. They do not work all that well for older men.
Now I have taken a lot of liberty in my thoughts about what he may be conflicted about in the above. Compounding that conflict, taking the same liberties are his feelings for you. Assuming his feelings for you are similar to your for him there is still the over riding fact of his desire for biological child. you in a sense called his bluff on this desire and he has not acted on it. So is this desire real or just an excuse not to marry a women who is socially acceptable to his circle of friend. Thus allowing him to stay single and enjoy the life he has made for himself.
That I believe is the question. The problem is not you. The problem is him and he not knowing or knowing what he wants and not wanting to say it out load. It just may be that he planned on being a bachelor and enjoying the swinging bachelor life style that his window of opportunity passed him by and know he just making excuses.
It is really hard to say I can give you reasons I think he may be as he is. Though only he can tell you for sure.
What you have to decide is: Is what you have now studying enough that you can face going into your golden years possibly alone except for your children? If the answer is no then as hard as it may be to leave him this is what you have to do and start accepting offers to date from other men.
Will you find someone exactly like him? Maybe, maybe not. What I am sure of is there is someone out there that will give you love in return for the love you give him, just as long as you don't compare him to this guy.
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What I'm gathering is you two are in a situation that's not satisfactory to you and he is showing no signs of developing it further. You could either wait and hope that he puts forth the effort to advance the relationship to where you want it, you can walk away (which doesn't seem to be an option), or you can bring up what you hope to get out of your relationship. The first option doesn't have a definite solution, but it's certainly the easiest. The second option is by far the most painful, but with the most certain outcome. And the third option, while scary, is the only one with complete understanding and honesty.
I would talk to him about it. Sure, you run the small risk of scaring him away, but it's the only thing you can do to fully represent yourself. And he needs to know exactly where you're coming from and where you want to go, otherwise you might be stuck wanting more indefinitely.
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