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Uneventful love life and don't know what's right for me
I can't stop thinking. I'm going on 22 years old and I've never had any experiences with love or sex. The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions, many extremely positive ones. New changes, particularly significant weight loss have given me confidence I've never experienced before. Having been insecure and somewhat shy, experiencing major confidence for the first time is a remarkable feeling.
In very basic terms, I'm often desperate for male intimacy. I've gone on a couple dates, mildly physical with with one guy, but long story short, we didn't click. I never act on my emotions when things are risky. A lot of my friends engage in sexual behavior with people they don't know but I don't do this. Some of my friends are in amazing relationships so I guess those girls were lucky enough to have feelings for someone in the right place at the right time.
I am absolutely out of this world crazy about a close friend of mine. I can't have him because he's taken. I know we have a connection. I don't make any bold moves, just let anything that is meant to happen happen. And so, the status quo remains. We stay close friends and nothing more than that, because he has a girlfriend of course and I wouldn't have it in me to sabotage a relationship even if I tried to.
I feel a sense of positive sexual/emotional tension when we are in a room together but in the end these thoughts are merely product of speculation. He could be crazy about me, or have no interest at all. I know he really likes me as his good friend and quite possibly more, but there's no way to know for sure.
Around him, I remain calm and collected but only on the outside. Inside, I'm the total opposite. I honestly barely have words to describe how I feel when I'm with him. Pure elation and excitement. I block out what's going on around us. Afterwards I'll have a soaring "high" for hours. It's the sweetest feeling ever, one of them at least. I can't tell if it's obvious how I feel. I have trouble, and often feel uncomfortable with showcasing my emotions externally so I know I haven't been blatantly obvious about it. But still, I give him more attention than most girls do and smile a lot and stuff when I'm with him.
But then I get back to reality and the sadness kicks in of what the situation actually is. As long as there's another girl, I will not have a chance. Even so, I can only speculate that he'd have feelings for me. I have tried SO hard to let go of this and I can't. I feel like it's a burden I'm carrying around against my will. Intelligent, sensible people (including my mom) keep telling me that one day the right person will come along.
You know what? The right person HAS come along but I can't reap the benefits of these amazing feelings because of boundaries. So I guess I will spend my life drooling over one guy at a time who I may or may not be able to be with. I have friends who are absolutely loving the casual dating/sex lifestyle and friends who are loving their relationships.
I'm very open-minded. I try to mingle with guys all the time. I smile and have fun and while I don't have a flirty or seductive personality, I do little subtle things to try and "seduce" them. For one, I don't do enough for it to actually work and two, I'm realizing that this instant sexual gratification type of relationship that so many guys seek does not align with the person I am.
I don't feel comfortable being romantic/physical with a guy I don't have a connection with in a friendship sense. I'm the type of person who takes a while to open up/get close with people. Do I try to change this or accept that this is part of who I am? I tried that route with the one guy I went on a couple of dates with and felt uncomfortable with our mild physical encounters, simply because I didn't know him very well.
So the casual thing is not my thing. Or maybe it is, who knows. I guess the relationship route is my thing but maybe I get too passionate and involved... No answers exist and that's why this is so damn frustrating. A million thoughts are running through my head. I don't know what I want or what to do. The status quo remains and everyone else has excitement with guys while I watch. I do know that I want SOMETHING. and something positive. Right now I feel like I have nothing. I want both love and sex desperately. I want my friend desperately. I cannot stop thinking about him. I want it to stop. I'd rather not want these things as they are affecting me negatively. I just want to be with him!! and if not that, have the feelings I have for him for someone else. I just feel like I'm not going to really start this stuff until I'm 35-40 (almost 22 now) which is depressing.
I'd like to focus completely on my education but this is intruding me. WHY do other girls get their chances but not me? I don't want to get married I just want a connection with a guy. I feel like I'm walking in the dark with this...any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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All these answers to your question is right and 22 is young I am 24 and I am single and not worried about finding a relationship I focus on me and making myself happy keeping myself busy with boxing and gym and going with the flow . You will find someone some day but your young and you should be not worried about being in a relationship , you need to have fun and do things relationships are not everything and when it's time it will happen for you . And don't worry about the not having sex at age 22 you should wait and share that special time with the one you love there's no rush for sex . Just don't do anything with this friend of yours because he is taken and you should respect that , remember the key word in this he is just a "friend" .
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Hahaha Silly rob was actually nice on this one LOL. Honestly, sillyrob hit the head on the nail. You need to focus on your education. He's is a relationship and he's happy. Weigh the consequences, do you want to pursue and more than likely lose a good friend? what if he doesn't feel about you the same way and you pursue. See then you just made the friendship awkward and it will never be the same again. At 22 you should be living life while focusing on your goals. Try dating other guys and be fair to those guys and yourself as well. Give them a chance. No one is telling you to go have sex with every single guy you date, Honestly, we call those type of people sexual addicts, or in street terms, whores, sluts, etc. Hahaha. You write as if you are educated. You described everything with such detail. Well then use those brains of yours and realize that emotions change. Your mom is right. When I was your age I acted the same way. I never slept around. I was in a committed abusive relationship and she was cheating behind my back. You should walk with pride that you are not like every other person spreading the fabulous STDs everywhere. Seriously, you have never given yourself a chance to find someone. You never gave your chance to find the right one. I bet what you are feeling is lust and not real love. If you really stopped and took a closer look at that guy, I'm sure he has many faults that you do not know that in the end may even deter you from wanting to date him. So don't even think of messing up another person's relationship and be honest with yourself and try to date others. Focus on you education and start your career. You do not know where you will be in 10 years from now.
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My computer restarted in the middle of answering this, and I felt I really had something to add, so I rushed to come back here and give you my advice. So here goes....again.
Get the fuck over him. It's not fair to him, his girlfriend, and quite frankly, yourself to be like this. How do I know this? I've been head over heals before. I was in love with a girl for 2 years with pretty much zero chance of us being together. It was terrible. I let it get to me, I basically shut down as a person.
Is that what you really want?
I doubt it. You have a close friend, let them be a close friend. One of my best friends since I moved across the country told me she liked me, we got into a relationship, and it ended due to "personality differences." Now, I don't even have one of my best friends because of stupid feelings and dating.
You said that you're 22. You're young and I'm sure you're an attractive girl who can find someone. Find them! You said you mingle, that you've been physically involved with guys. Take that to people who aren't this guy friend.
You also mentioned education. Don't let anything get in the way of your education. Ever. Especially not a guy. Education is the most important thing you can do in your life. Aim for that.
If you want someone to talk about this, feel free to "ask me a question" and I'm all for helping out.
Phew, I don't know if I've ever spent this much time on advice before, this is actually kinda nice.
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