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Being honest to my fiance: I had sex with 16 guys... not 3.
I am 25 and I am engaged. We already have a beautiful 8 months daughter. My fiance is always honest to me and tells me everything. Well I do the same except for one thing. My fiance knows that I was sexually abused when I was a kid. My mother had a boyfriend and she always let him take care of me and my sister when she was at work. She didn't know that her boyfriend was doing something to me like having sex with me (with clothes on). Thank God it didn't last long because they broke up. Another guy did the same to me. I never told anyone during that time. As a kid, I always thought that it was a game and that it will make them like or love me more.
I first had sex when I was 15. I'm a hopeless romantic person and I always wanted a perfect relationship. I thought that when I will have sex with a guy, it will make him love me more. But I was wrong. Most of the guys I like just left me. Until I met my fiance. He was perfect for me and he loves me so much. I love him so much too. We are 18 months together already. I told him that he's the 3rd guy I had sex with when he asked me about it. I lied. I already had sex with 16 guys from the age of 15 until now. He's the 16th guy. I feel bad that I'm lying to him. I never cheated on him. He's the last guy I had sex with. I'm thinking now wether to tell him the truth or just let it be. Help me decide. I feel so stupid that I let those guys get what they want. If I can bring back the past, I will choose to stay virgin until the day of my marriage. Thanks in advanced.
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I don't really say this often, but this is one you should let go. You can't change the past, and telling your fiance you've been lying would dredge up a ton of stuff that you don't really need to deal with.
What happened in the past happened. I don't tell anyone how many guys I've slept with... because I lost count after like 30. So what? I had a slutty phase. It's over. My last boyfriend has only ever slept with 3 people... I'm number 3... I don't have any idea at all what number he is... 37? 45? I dunno. So I just didn't tell him.
It didn't make or break our relationship. If I'd told him, though... I think it would have really hurt what we had... or currently have.
In the long run, the past is the past and you can't change or even justify it most of the time. But it's your past and you don't have to tell anyone anything, not even your fiance. If he's the last man you ever sleep with, that's all he needs to know or care about. Everything else is... irrelivant.
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Short answer: For now say nothing.
I am terrible sorry for the abuse you suffered from your mothers boyfriends. Their is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse of a minor. I say this because the abuse you suffered has effected you in countless ways including the number of guys you have slept with.
You may feel you have put the past behind you but you have not. The past, the abuse you suffered, will affect you for the rest of your life until you bring proper closure on that part of your life. Part of proper closure may include seeking punishment for your mothers boyfriends who abused you.
As we have seen in news reports. It is possible even at your present age to seek criminal sanctions against your abusers for abuse that occurred 10, 15 or more years ago.
Now I do not have the training or the knowledge of you to say if this is what you need to bring that part of your life to closure. I do know that you need to properly address that part of your life. Their is an organization you can contact for this type of help called RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They operate a 24/7 hotline staffed by people professionally trained to help you find people in you own home town. Professionals such as psychologists, you can work with to properly address and close the past.
While working with the psychologist you can decide if you need to tell your future husband in total about your past. With the help of the psychologist you have a better chance of him understanding how and why you had so many partners.
As someone who is over twice your age I understand why you had the number of partners you had. You said it yourself in your letter to us. You were looking for love. To you because of the abuse; love and sex were just about synonymous.
I can't say for sure that your fiance would understand all this. This why I am saying a good psychologist who is helping you would also help, in a couples therapy session, be their to support you when and if you decide to tell your fiance.
This is why I am suggesting therapy. You can decide in therapy if you want to and what and how to tell your fiance and whether or not to pursue criminal charges against your abusers. Therapy is where you can let everything out in total confidentiality. Once everything is out in the open so to speak you can work out what is important to you and put it properly behind you.
This all can start with one simple phone call to RAINN. Their number is: 1-800-656-HOPE. The call is free and you have nothing to loose by calling them.
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Hi. The abuse you describe will always have an effect mentally/emotionally. How we see the world, and ourselves is affected by how we feel. And our feelings govern our actions. The link is inevitable. You may have been left with extreme feelings of guilt and shame. Found it hard to form a significant relationship. You're OK there. You've found a good guy and it's working. Or the same experience could have the entirely opposite effect, it depends on a the multitude of other influences and experiences a person has been subjected to in their lives. It could lead to promiscuity, and even a hell-bent desire for self-destructive relationships. My knee-jerk reaction here is that the reaction 'came out' in you as a brief (in relation to the length of a life) phase of promiscuity. Now you're leaning the other way completely (again, very usual reaction) and desire to be a virgin. I would say without any doubt, keep the past where it belongs. In the past. You've handled it, you've moved on. You're getting to a place you want to be. Don't dwell on it at all. He's happy with 3 previous boyfriends. You're happy to let him think that. It's no longer important. The only way that can affect you now is if the revelation impacts negatively on his opinion of you. It could be met with sympathy and understanding, or it might stir-up some demon in his mind you don't know exists. Don't take the chance. What happened to you was wrong. You did not invite it. Don't give it even the tiniest CHANCE of messing-up the good thing you've got now.
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