|
I need to know whether my attitude is correct re my mother in a nursing hom
My mother has had strokes and is in skilled nursing. She has early dementia and has very little memory left. Most times, she doesn't know where she's at or who you are. I haven't been to visit her lately and really don't want to because she doesn't know who I am, doesn't carry on any kind of intelligible conversation and ends up agitated and I am agitated in the process. I have deep seated resentments towards her from some childhood abuse she allowed to happen by my adopted father and further from the way she has favored one of my other brothers all his life, pandering and catering to himm, supporting his alcoholism and lazy work habits and lying for him to keep him out of trouble. He is a loser and she enabled him to destroy everything and steal her money so now she is broke. She has thrown me under the bus for many years in favor of this brother and I have another brother who made it his business to not tell me my mother had even had a stroke and I didn't find out about it for over 5 months. The whole entire family was in on the ruse, including my own two children. There was absolutely NO reason for it other than the weird brother didn't want me to know so that he could steal even more of her money, have her sign bogus documents, etc. It sounds incredulous, but this honestly happened. I was extremely hurt by all this deception and disloyal behavior, especially with my mother scheming and having my kids lie to me to protect that son of hers....it was a nightmare and really still is. Anyway, my issue is that I really don't want to visit, but am feeling some guilty because I don't want my kids to abandon me should I ever be in a position like that...hopefully not. I am hurt, angry and resentful. I pray for the fortitude to forgive her, my pedophile father and brothers all, but I am not there yet. What should I do? It's Thanksgiving next week and I am wondering if I should go get her and bring her to my house. She is totally dependent on someone else to help her do anything, walk, etc. I just really am not in the mood.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Resentment can kill you. Every time you have thoughts resenting another no matter what they may have done it's like drinking a tub of Draino. It's doing a number on you inside.
Your mother may have been awful towards you in life but she is no longer that person. She cannot recall you or your brother and unless you step in she's helpless in that nursing home.
She's your mom no matter what and ethically and morally you have an obligation here. Your kids need to be told what happened to you but that you have forgiven her and actually are trying to let go of the past. If you get agitated or she does just leave the room for awhile or for that day.
Your brother is an addict and is sick and definitely has made some awful mistakes. You may think he's a loser but you have to let go of that as it's hurting you not him. Try reaching out to him and offer help but limit contact until he does but purge the resentment as it's doing you more harm to think these thoughts than he can feel.
It would be in your best interest to consult a psychiatrist. You aren't crazy but you need one to help you deal with feelings of betrayal, resentment, the sexual assault and not feeling good about yourself before this consumes you which it's on a trajectory to do. You need to learn that while you can't change the past you shouldn't allow it to ruin your present and future.
What your stepfather did was horrid to say the least and was not your fault and that he acted on his own. There may be other victims. What you should do is make your kids, family and others know what he did to you so they are aware. He needs a ton of help and or jail you have to see it as a sickness and try to move forward which is hard to do with life and family now. You definitely need a professional to talk to and to help you do this.
]
You have multiple issues here each of which needs to be addressed separately.
Lets first address the problem of your "pedophile father and brothers all." This is a very serious issue. One I am not really qualified to discuss or help with you other that to offer advise on who can help and the fact that this needs to be resolved as it has festered all these years.
There is an organization called RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse Incest, National Network. They operate a hotline which is available 24/7 365 days a year. The people that answer the phone are qualified to help you and connect you with people in your neighborhood who can help you come to terms with this and properly resolve this in the best manner for you. The number for the hotline is 1-800-656-HOPE. Please call them as I believe this issue has to be addressed and resolved before you can resolve the other issues you have.
The other issue I can address with you is whether to bring mom to your home for Thanksgiving. I do not suggest you do so for several reasons.
First: You are doing so out of guilt which is never a good reason to do anything. At this time to do this will only cause you further resentment and considering the state of your mothers dementia she will not know what you have done for her anyway.
Second: Is the state of moms dementia. I would even doubt the nursing home would approve you taking her out for the day. Given the state of your mothers dementia it is very unsettling for the dementia patient to be taken out of their surroundings to a place they are unfamiliar with. Even if mom has been to your home before the dementia took hold it is no longer familiar to her. she will become agitated and scared. This even in the most loving of family relationships is not something you or anyone is trained to cope with and can be harmful to her. No, the best place for your mother this holiday and others is in the familiar surroundings of the nursing home.
Everything else you have written about goes back to the childhood abuse,your "pedophile father and brothers all" and the ill feeling you hold for the favoritism you observed by your mother to your siblings. You need to address these wounds head on and resolve them before you can move forward. RAINN can help you here more than I or anyone else on this site can. Please call them.
Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.
]
Before I get started I want to tell you that I am a teenager and that I may not know too much about adult situations like this but I'm here to help.
And you are right. Thanksgiving is coming up soon. It's a time for celebrating family. It wasn't when the pilgrims did it but it is now and I think you should have your mom over for Thanksgiving.
I know that maybe you two had a rocky relationship or whatever but she is still your mom and she did the best that she could. It may not have been much but it was her best. And now she's at a point in her life where she needs someone to take care of her. You don't want to regret the time you didn't spend with your mom.
In your question, you sounded very angry with your family. I'm here to tell you, LET IT GO. FORGIVE AND FORGET. You don't need to carry anger on your shoulders because it will just drive you CRAZY.
I know you went through a lot during your childhood but you're not dead! YOU'RE STILL STANDING. You're a survivor. If you won't be thankful for that than be thankful for your children.
My advice to you is, stop stressing yourself out. Keeping going through life and reaching your goals and don't let anybody or anything mess up your stride. You don't have to deal with the family drama.
I hope this got you thinking.
~Andrew~
P.S: Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
]
More Questions: |