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Fears Affect My Social Life and Ruin Potential Relationship
Thank You In Advance For Reading My Story, Giving Me Advice, etc. I apologize if it sounds like I'm whining but I really want to know why I am the way I am and how to better myself.
Hi , I'm a 16 yr old girl. I never kissed a guy, been on a date , hung out alone with a guy or been in a relationship. I don't go to parties, sneak out or hang out late. I don't feel like I do normal teenager things and even my mom complains that I'm being antisocial. I have been to three different high schools and in my current high school, unlike the previous two, I have almost no friends. I hide during lunch because sitting at a lunch table alone as a Senior is just too unbearable. I talk to no one in class unless I am forced to. (I do clubs and activities outside of school and I get along with the other teens there great so why not at school?) I can't figure out what has gone wrong with my life. Guys try to talk to me on the street and I ignore them, even if I think they are cute. If guys try to make eye contact, I look the other way. If I see guys approaching me , I try to take a detour , going into a store until they pass or crossing the street. Guys who I've like at one point and even gotten the courage to talk to, I always chicken out of plans or tell them I am too busy for a relationship. This one guy who liked me tried to kiss me repeatedly and even though I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, I would always back away and make excuses. My friend wanted to hang out but I've only hung out with her in group settings so I lied and told her I was busy. I mean what if we hung out and guys approached us, and I couldnt handle the situation? I see my younger cousins running around with really good looking guys, asking me for relationship advice and I would always have to lie. What do I know? I can't pin point my fears . I want to be social, and hang out with people. I want to have a relationship. I want to kiss and get my heart broken and call someone baby. But I just can't . I'm afraid. I panic sometimes.I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. At this rate it's possible. What do I do?
Thanks again, my fears are ruining my life. Ps I have no money for a therapist.
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It sounds, to me, that you have the beginning stages of an anxiety disorder. The most direct answer to that is to seek professional advice, possibly get some therapy and some antianxiety meds and push through... but I didn't manage to do that until well after high school, so I don't much expect you to.
So. You're antisocial and nervous. I don't blame you, I was too. What you have to do is grab your anxiety by the gonads and keep it in check. It's hard. It's mentally draining. It's generally crappy at first... but like all things, with practice, it becomes second nature. When you successfully overcome something the first time, you will feel relieved and proud... and it will make you want to try it again. I promise.
Start small. Your friend wanted to hang out, so you have her come over a few times. Don't go out in public if it makes you freak out. You don't have to throw yourself into a situation like that. If you can build on a friendship, though, then when you do decide that you're going into public with her, she'll know your anxieties and be there to back you up. People can't help if they don't know, though.
Okay, so say you've built a nice little friendship with this friend and ya'll actually go out somewhere. You probably won't be approached by guys. Even guys without tact usually avoid girls in groups. On the off chance you get approached, you should have told your friend that it makes you nervous... if she's a good friend, she'll blow the guys off and you'll go about your business. If she doesn't do that here's what YOU do: just say NO THANKS as abruptly and rudely as you know how and walk away. You don't have an obligation to be nice to random guys. When you kind of get used to similar situations, you can work on being nicer, if you want. The important thing at first is to neutralize the situation. You shut it down and you walk away. That's it. Don't look back and don't answer anything else they say.
The thing to remember is BABY STEPS. Progress is progress, no matter how small it might seem. Start with things you think you can really deal with. Anxiety is really hard, especially at a young age. I'm 24 and I'm still learning to deal with it. It springs up out of nowhere and I have to crush it before it can overwhelm me. And that's hard, but it gets easier all the time.
You can have anything you want in life. You just have to work at it. Relationships are hard and suck, but you get used to them. Anxiety is hard and sucks, but you are the master of you. Life is hard and often sucks, but once you learn how to move through it you can focus on the good spots instead of the fear.
You're young, you have time. Use it.
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Hi, I'm 17/f
Firstly, if you're looking for someone equally as nervous about guys then I'm your girl.
I'm very shy you see, and for this reason I don't talk to guys at my college.
I used to think they'd never be anyone for me, but then I learnt that if I spent my teenage years hovering over this fact, I'll never look back on them as happy times, and I didn't want that.
So I pinpointed why I'm scared to talk to guys-because I'm not like other girls-so they probs wouldn't be interested in me. This is the mindset of many teenage girls, and results in a lack of confidence, which is a catch 22 situation, becasue tehn no guy would be interested in that.
However, theres this western view that guy prefer extroverts and thats it, if you're the quiet one that'd prefer to read in stead of party, with 5 friends instead of 50 then boom you'll never have a love/social life.
This isn't true. The minete you can accept yourself for who you are then thats a good start. If you'd rather be alone, like thats just you're personality, you can't help that, and also many guys may prefer this in a girl.
Sure, it's harder to find a bf if you're not in their faces, but, as I found out if you're yourself someone will appriciate it. About the nervous thing aswell, just remember that if you can accept who you are, then the guy also accept you for who you are. SO you're equal. If he didn't like you then he wouldn't want to kiss you.
Most kisses arn't like the movies you just have to get what you're given. But I guess my main advice here is to not stress about having a love life like most teenagers do these days. You're young, enjoy youth! And when you're enjoying friendships, careers and hobbies, the right person will then have to fit into your life rather than you shaping yourself to fit into theirs.
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I'm not a psychologist but I once was the new kid in school and you have been the new kid three times. It is my thinking that most of your trouble stems from constantly being the new kid on the block and in school.
It has been a very long time since I was in High School but I don't think much has changed. New kids are generally teased and ostracized by the others. They have all been together probably since grammar school and have long standing relationships. You have been to three schools in four years putting you in the position of constantly having to form new relationships.
You probably do not realize this but having to do so has most likely caused you to put a fence up around yourself to keep from being hurt. The fact that at clubs and activities outside of school you can form some type of relationship proves this to me. Why do I say this.
We get letters from kids going off to college wanting to know how to form new relationships. One of the things I always recommend is to join clubs or look for activities that interest them. When there is a common interest there is the opportunity to form relationships. Good relationships are formed when you have something in common. High school only provides school work as a common interest. Generally speaking this is not a basis for forming a relationship. This is why you have no problems out of school, the common interest factor.
As for boys it is my belief that as much as you want to have your heart broken, call someone baby and be social. The wall of protection you have built up around you at school is just to solid to break through. At least that is my take on things. Too many schools and not enough time to form friendships have caused you to form a defensive parameter.
As much as I would like to help you. This form of communication does not lend itself to it and I just do not have the education needed to do so. You need the help of a good therapist, someone you can confide in who will keep your secrets and help you breakdown the barriers you built.
My recommendations is that you seek the help of a trained therapist. Your family doctor should be able to help you find one. My feeling is that there is nothing truly wrong with you. Your a normal teenager suffering the troubles of to many school changes. Talk therapy with a trained therapist will help you overcome this.
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In the future, you're going to have to do things that you just flat out do not want to do. Like for example working with someone you don't like and being forced to be nice. Or cleaning out bathrooms. It's the same thing here. School, is preparing you for the future. It's okay to be shy. It's okay to be shy around boys. But, I would say it wasn't okay to lie. You need to have some respect for yourself and that is the first step I need you to work on. Step on respect and love yourself. Put some make up on. Turn music on in your room and dance around like an idiot. You work first on making yourself happy. Next, once you have some confidence, which you can easily fake, and then later aquire, be social. It is okay to talk to new people. People do get shy and that's normal. If you want friends, be social. Be polite. Compliment someone on somethhing. "You have cute shoes." "You're really good at drawing." Start up a conversation. Don't overdo it, but be friendly. Eventually, once you open up you'll feel the shy feelings slowly leave.
Boys. I am PROUD of you. It is OKAY to not be rushing with boys. Stay innocent as long as you can! Just becaues everyone else is doing "it" doesn't mean you have to as well. Do remember, that sex was meant for making babies. It isn't a fun activity that boys like to do. Well, it is, but that's not what it's for. You don't want a baby right now. I have two children and I am 19 years old. And I've struggled since I got pregnant. It's challenging, terrifying, intimidating and time consuming. Hold on to your youth with a tight grip and don't you dare let go.
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