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Who is the abuser, and what should I do?
I'm the idiot that got married young and fast. We got married in July of this year after being together for 5 months. When we got married, everything changed. It was what seemed like the perfect relationship. Everyone was in awe of what we had, and I couldn't believe I snagged such an amazing guy. After being with a couple of a**holes he seriously was a breath of fresh air. I fell completely head over heels. We were such a good couple, with next to no problems. Yet. I know nothing stays "perfect" forever, but we hardly had any issues and if we did it was little things that were easily solved. Then he met a guy who soon became his best friend. This best friend if his says he's my best friend too. Which is total bull, I'm not an idiot. He got involved in every disagreement we had and made it worse. Soon he got married too, and I was automatically pressured into being her friend. I never liked her from the start, but I did what I thought I had to in order to make my husband happy. I was okay with her, until she started getting involved too. They soon teamed up on me and would twist everything I said and did around to fit whatever it is they wanted to hear or see. One of my breaking points was when I was vulnerable and trusted her with venting about my husband. Just little things like "Man, he kinda pissed me off today" or "He's been on my nerves for the past few days" and then explain why I felt that way. This was through text message. She showed my husband my text messages to her. I told him I felt betrayed. And that I always felt left out, and that they always just talked behind my back for no reason slowly turning him against me. It resulted in me crying and pleading for him to understand that any time he and I have a huge argument they're somehow involved. He said I needed help because of how emotional I was and gave me an ultimatum on seeking the help or he wouldn't speak to me or see me until it happened. So, of course, I went the very next day to see a psychologist. The man told me he didn't know why I even came and that he didn't think I needed mental help. Maybe someone to just be there for me and listen to me, but not for mental problems. I went a head and forgave her. Again, for the sake of peace. I was sick of not seeing MY friends so I decided to see my best friend. Who, unfortunately, lives an hour away. So, I drove there not thinking anything of it since my husband had said before it was fine to see my friends. We had an awesome best friend day, we went to the beach, she bought lunch and I bought dinner, and we called it a night. On my way back my husband called and I told him what I did that day, excited about it because of how much fun I had. He instantly got upset and not even a minute after we hung up I got text alerts on my phone saying that all the passwords and PIN numbers had changed on our bank account. I called him back and explained how I thought it was a little controlling that the one time I go do something for myself he flips out and cuts me off from OUR income. He said I was irresponsible and that he was not controlling me by doing that. We started arguing more, and of course he'd go tell "our friends" about it. Inevitably causing him to drift away from me without him realizing it. About a month later I had a good two hour talk on the phone with my husbands best friends wife, and I actually felt good about it. She vented to me about things and so did I. I felt kinda close to her for once. Until she did it AGAIN. She not only told my husband every little thing I said, but twisted it around to sound worse. It caused probably the hugest fight we've ever had. I immediately cut her out of my life. Never once have I interacted with her since this incident which makes it awkward because my husband still does. She kept sending paragraphs to my phone and I just ignored them. I told my husband how high school I thought it all was and that I didn't want any part of it. It continued. And I kept getting pressure from her husband to make up with her and I refused. I stood on my own two feet and said no she's a fake person and that I didn't want someone like that in my life. It's toxic and stressful. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I told my husband "I'm not saying you absolutely can't be friends with her, but I am saying she makes me uncomfortable. I can't stand knowing you still talk to her after everything she's done. She has ruined so much about our relationship, yet you continue to speak to her. I honestly prefer you don't be friends with her because you're my husband and our lives are one now. If I don't want her in my life, but she's in yours that means she's still in my life. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to do the ultimatum thing. I won't deal with it, it's too unnecessarily stressful." Which set off a frenzy of hate. They have told him I'm abusive and controlling and that he should leave me because I'm dictating who he can have as friends. THEY CAME INTO THE PICTURE AFTER WE WERE TOGETHER. How is this even going on? How are they more important than me? I don't understand. He plays the victim all the time now. He says I changed when we got married, which I told him I felt the same way. They have changed him so much. And he doesn't realize it. I try so hard to be happy for him and do sweet things for him and put this behind us. But since he has people in his ear telling him he's the victim he has become a complete douche bag. Always snapping at me with an attitude for no reason, ignoring me, becoming explosive, etc. it was driving me crazy. So crazy that I did something I've never done before, and I regret it it will never happen again I felt so bad. I checked his phone :/ not because I think he's cheating, he's not that kind of guy. I had this overwhelming feeling that he was saying one thing to my face and another to everyone else. I was right. I literally almost threw up, she was telling him how horrible I was and that he doesn't have true happiness with me and he should leave me. He said in the texts that he was still going to talk to her behind my back and that he'd keep her updated on everything. He found out, and oh dear god. That gave them all the ammo they needed. I've never been so stressed in my life, I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach because I know something stressful will happen. It always does. And I'm pregnant. Why put me through the stress? He says he abuses his prescription meds because of how I stress him out, and how he wishes he could break his jaw so he didn't have to hear me speak. That really hurt. He says he thinks about killing himself everyday and that I'm abusive and controlling. All I do is try and be sweet and move on from this, but since he has people turning him against me it makes it hard. Who's the abuser here? I feel like I walk on eggshells, yet he says he feels the same way. I feel so lost and alone. Like everyone hates me. I never tell anyone anything, I'm very private. I don't even see my friends anymore, and I'm embarrassed to open up to my family about it. I just spend all my time with him and his moodyness trying to make him happy. Am I wrong for wanting his support? And most of all, should I resort to the ultimatum thing if this persists? All I think about is how hurtful it is that people who came along after we were together are more important than me. I can't do this forever. I just want opinions on what I should do in this situation. Should I stick to my guns, or give in like I have before?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
It's easy to fall head-over-heels for someone in the early stages of a relationship. Don't be dismayed that things appear to be falling apart so soon. You got married before you had a chance to sort through any sort of large issue, so of course this comes as a shock. If your marriage continues, you're in for a lot more of this. It takes a lot of work to make a marriage, well, work.
You're right to stop being buddy-buddy with this girl. She's not a good friend to you and you don't need someone toxic like that in your inner circle. Unfortunately, you can't dictate who your husband hangs out with. I'm not too keen on some of my husband's friends and their girlfriends, but I have to suck it up and be polite and friendly... I just don't have to be their best friends!
What does concern me is your husband's reaction to your spending. He has no right to control the purse-strings, and it's worrying that he has that kind of control... and exerts it. If possible, you should set up your own bank account and keep separate finances until you're comfortable enough with him to share your bank accounts. Go to your bank and withdraw half of the assets into your own private account and don't give him the information (you can do this if your name is on the account!). Whatever happens, you don't want to be caught with nothing. You can explain to your husband that if he has a problem with your spending he can discuss it with you instead of just trying to control you, and that until you can trust him with that you're going to maintain your own finances.
However, you are both guilty of playing control games. Ultimatums should only be used in the most dire of situations: in cases of addiction, health emergencies or abuse. They're not to be used for every little conflict or they become a petty fight for power.
Yes, this chick is a jerk. She's making things hard for you but only because you allow it. If you stop talking to her about anything beyond the weather, she has no way of twisting your words and parroting them back to your husband. By demanding that your husband not talk to her any more you ARE trying to control him: a much more productive way of dealing with the situation would be to apologize to him for freaking out, talk to him about what she's doing and ask him to take anything she says with a grain of salt, given her past. Thing is, she's been his only source of information. You've got to step up and talk to him directly when he's giving you grief. Let him know what the problem is and he can deal with it himself rather than hearing worse from others.
Your husband is an adult. He can choose his own friends and he can choose to take what they say into consideration or he can choose not to. Let him make those choices and you might be surprised which direction he takes.
Spying on him was the wrong thing to do, and you should apologize for that as well. A good marriage is based on trust. You have to trust that the other person is going to do you right. And really, it doesn't sound like he was saying anything bad, he was just being given advice (probably well-meaning) by a friend of his. He's asserting his right to make his own choices, but he's forced to go underground, and now you're blaming him for that. Step up and say you're sorry for treating him like a criminal and promise never to check his phone again. Seriously. I can tell you that I've never checked my husband's phone or e-mail even though I know both passwords. Why? Because I have to trust him to do right even when the little suspicious voices in my head start acting up.
As for things changing once you got married, of course they did! You two entered a contract to bind you for life, in theory. Everything changes once you do that. All of a sudden clipping your toenails on the couch becomes a huge deal because it's not just once, it's every week for a lifetime. What you both have is a failure to communicate. You didn't learn how to before getting married, so you've got to learn that skill now. I strongly suggest a marriage counselor for the two of you so you can work out your combined issues. Keep in mind that with a baby on the way your lives are intertwined forever now. Divorce doesn't change the fact that you'll have to be in contact for the rest of your lives for your child's sake. So try to work things out.
This doesn't really sound like a solid case of abuse to me. It sounds like two young adults both in a lot of pain trying to communicate with one another and not knowing how. Trust me, you'll keep encountering issues like this and even more serious ones over the course of your marriage, and good communication is the foundation for success when you come up against these obstacles. Be glad that it's a dispute over a friend that's your first big challenge, and not infidelity or something similarly serious.
I know most will be quick to label this as an abusive relationship, but I've experienced stuff like this before having committed at a relatively young age. In one relatively minor argument my (now) husband spat in my face. Needless to say, that didn't go over well. I really had to question whether it was an indicator of abusive behaviour or not. In the end, it was just one more step in the process of us learning how to work with one another when problems arise. These nasty arguments won't last forever if you face them head-on now. Don't establish a pattern of control games and shouting matches. Do your best now to learn how to curb the urge to throw stuff at each other and to learn how to argue productively.
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Not all short term relationships that lead to marriage develop into what yours have. My wife and I knew each other only 6 months and will be married 42 years come next July. We were only slightly older than you and your husband.
Outside influences can have devastating effects on any marriage. These influences can be friends or they can be relatives such as in-laws. Based on what you have written I would have to say you are in an abusive relationship with your husband as he chooses to believe his friends and takes his friends advice over that of his wifes. Just why this is I can't explain as I would have to know him to understand why he has chosen this way. If these people are older or better educated then you are (that is both of you) that could be a reason for his following of their advise.
I do agree someone is being controlling. From what you have written I believe it to be them over you. This is a very stressfully situation for you or anyone to be in. If every time you and your husband have a discussion or disagreement he runs to them to have it analyzed and seek their advise you never get to resolve an issue with him.
It is my belief that at the very least you need a vacation from him. A trial separation maybe leading to a permanent one. I really can't advise you to divorce him that is not for me or anyone else to say, it is for you to decide.
What I can advice is that in your present situation you cannot think straight and you need to leave to get out from under the stress you are under. First you need to see a lawyer to have your rights protected during the separation. Meaning he cannot legally change the passwords or pin numbers on your joint accounts or do anything else with joint assets. You might even want to go so far as to first open your own account in a separate bank to deposit you earnings in so he cannot touch them. That only leaves joint savings to protect. This is something you should speak to the lawyer about and not discuss your intentions with anyone but the lawyer until you have decided what you are going to do.
You can, I believe make as a condition of any reconciliation that he attend marriage counseling with you. Nothing says that he won't go from the counseling session straight to his friends but this will come out in counseling which the therapist can deal with.
To my mind from what you have written you are being abused not only by your husband but by his friends as well. This is an untenable situation for anyone to be in. This is why I am recommending a vacation from him. It just may be the wake up call he needs or it may prove to you that this marriage may have been a mistake. If it was a mistake don't beat yourself up over it as I don't see it as being your fault. An outside influence is ruining your marriage.
A trial separation is a bold step that needs to be taken in order to save your marriage. To put the marriage back in the hands of the two people that should control a marriage.
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Yes, you both did get married rather young, and sadly, after only a short time. In my opinion, unless it's an arranged marriage, you should of been together for longer to better get to know each other. With you being pregnant, the stress is NOT healthy for you or the baby. It can cause possible pregnancy complications, or worse, a miscarriage. You both sound as though you NEED to go to a marriage counselor. If that does not work, then perhaps you two should not be together anymore. Depending on the length of your marriage, you can just go and get an annulment. But this is only if you've been married for a year or less. If the relationship continues in this way, especially after the baby is born, do you really want your child growing up believing that this is how a relationship is suppose to be? Both being miserable? You want to set a proper example for your child. Either work it out, or just leave. There is no need for ultimatums. Get help, if it doesn't solve anything, leave. If you are working as well, open your OWN bank account, savings, checking, either or, or even both. Your pregnancy health as well as the future health of your child should be more of a concern than staying with someone who refuses to listen. No relationship is perfect, but this one just sounds destructive. It could end up escalating to something worse. This may not be what you wish to hear, but you have to realize, your child is more important than a relationship.
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