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humorist-workshop
I can't feel any emotion anymore...
Hey guys. I'm jordan, I'm 16, I'm female, and I don't feel..
My life has been a little more than rough and I slip in and out of depression on a regular basis..
When I was only 4 or 5 my parents split... My father was mentally, physically, and verbally abusive to both me,my sister, and my mother. He also cheated on my mother pretty much every other day with a different girl and my mom stuck it up, just so her kids could have a father in their life. It was all fake and pitiful.
When I was 6 my mom got a new boyfriend named John. John was more than a father to my family than my actual father ever was, and we all loved him very much. Although, when I was around 10 I noticed that John started to change. John was addicted to percription pain killers... The first time he was arrested the police came to my house when I was home alone with him and I answered the door and watched them take him away. As much as I was screaming and crying and begging the police not to take him away, they took him anyway.. Long story short, John has been in and out of prison ever since and I never see him, I believe he's back in now.
But that's only the beginning. When I was in preschool I had a best friend. We thought alike, looked alike, but we were completely different people. I was ... Me.. A crazy dressed, guitar player punk, and she was a preppy, rich, well dressed, normal girl...
Like most friends,we fought, allllot. But would always make up no more than a week later.
Around 2nd grade we met two more girls that we added to our two man clique, we all got along and we're good friends up until 7th grade.
7th grade... Has hands down still been the worst year of my life and I think that's when I lost it.... All those feelings I had... All those feelings that i knew were there at one time.. Allhose feelings that I'll never get back..
In 7th grade my best friend stopped talking to me. She spent her time with the other two girls and I was always the one they never invited to stay, or to the movies. since my family was a wreck and my mom was in great depression, my friends were all I had... Then.. Before my eyes they were gone.. Just like that.
I ended up feeling lonely a lot... I felt as if I was unwanted everywhere I was. I never spoke. I went 2 whole years without saying a word... I severely cut myself everyday, but no one ever knew that. After I started cutting is when I realized it was the only thing that made me feel human. And after a few years of that it didn't work anymore.. And that really scared me.. Cutting was my friend.. And it left me. Just like everything else...
Now Im 16 and I feel....nothing... When I laugh I feel forced. Like Im pushing it out With tons of effort. And I don't feel sad anymore. Or lonely. Some nights I just feel like I should cry.. Maybe thats what i need, a good cry. But when I try to All that happens is my eyes water... It doesn't feel like crying.... Right now writing this... I'm not even sure why I'm doing this... I guess I just want to know if I'm the only one who feels this way? Because everything seems pointless.... I hate to sound like I'm craving attention, but ending my life sounds like the right thing to do at this point... By the time you read this ill probably be gone... So you guys .. Stay strong.. Stronger than me... I'm sure it gets better. I just don't think it will for me. But you hang in there....
Stay strong you guys.
-Jordan .
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Illnesses?
I do not believing suffering makes us better people, or the 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' line of thought. True, cause-and-effect is an un-arguable law of nature but that is a world away from the idea that 'everything happens for a reason.' That our lives are following a pre-destined path laid out for us. By whom? So no homespun platitudes from me. Does this sound gloomy? Hope not. Because there are no curses, you are not cursed. Because there is no destiny you are neither destined to be happy or sad, succeed or fail. You cannot influence events external to yourself. No human can or ever will. But how you react to them is, and will always be YOUR CHOICE. You have the one gift of all humans. The gift of free will. Your life is yours to make or spoil, as you choose. Our lives are, at any point, the sum of every event we've experienced, every choice we've made. And next week, next year, whenever this will also be true. So start making good choices now. Suicide is no real solution. I don't know if you subscribe to any faith or religion. It doesn't sound like it. I do not. For me death is simply the ultimate negation, the end of all further possibilities. Sure, it's an end of anxiety, an end to that horrible alienation you're feeling. So what's life anyway? Just a sequence of random events to a man of no spirituality, or religious conviction like me. But aren't you curious about those random possibilities, just a little bit? I am. Don't you want to stick around, just to see what happens? I hope you do Jordan.
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Dear jordan i understand your feelings ive had my share but ending your life isint a good way out. i am not really good at typing in a way im a good talker and i just want that oppurtunity to have a 1 on 1 conversation with you. there is people out thater that care for you we might not know each other but i for one care. i want you to message me on this email level956@gmail.com, and ill send you my number when you tell me its you, u can call me private if you want i dont care. i just want to see if i can help in any way if you think i am just another adult i am not im 16.. i understand looking for help is stupid but us as young adults we need to help eachother. just consider the offer its always there if you need it
Sincerely. Rey Rincon
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