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How do I stop feeling so ashamed and move forward with my life?
I'm sorry this is so long. I just got carried away. I just want you to really understand who I am and my situation, and I didn't know how to be concise about it. I greatly appreciate all help, you don't even know how much
How do you get over that shame and insecurity? I still feel like hiding away from everyone in my own bubble, when that isn't productive. There were periods where I even had suicidal thoughts, but they the cons always outweigh the pros. I just don't know how to get out of my funk. I want to actually experience good things in life, I don't want my life to be ended before I do so
I just finished high school and I just feel really ashamed that I didn't live up to my potential at school and outside of school I hardly had friends, I suppose because I didn't try to conform to anything I didn't like, despite me being moderately physically attractive and being nice and nonjudgmental to everyone. I still don't understand why I couldn't have that teenage experience with a first boyfriend, best friend you have sleepovers with and can share your deepest thoughts, or even get invited to a few parties and other gatherings. Every year I thought this could be reached, but I feel like every year just became worse and worse, since 5th grade. Is it just because I allowed it to, or was it out of my control? I feel like it's mainly my fault
I started going to a therapist but I still don't understand what I did wrong, and I hope college will be better but I'm afraid if whatever I'm doing that's repelling people will continue. The therapist said she didn't see anything wrong with the conversations we were having, so I'm so confused. I don't know if my race had anything to do with it, being black and living in towns that were diverse, but with mostly white and asian people. I don't know if race was important to other people because I don't think that way about other people, and had a few "school friends/acquaintences" of various skin tones. I feel like the best friends I had were in elementary school, which is the only part of my childhood I still feel the most fondly of, and my best friends were Italian, Chinese, German, and a few family friends
I don't know if race was a factor some kids had with who they invited to hang out, as people began to get older, or idk. Anyways, so yeah now I just feel like a mess and don't feel like connecting with others and I spend a lot of time on the internet, too. My mom is concerned and tries to now block computer time (which I hate intensely), but I don't drive, so otherwise my home feels pretty much like a prison, since nowhere around me is in walkable distance. I've basically grown up online, since I was 8, and supposedly that's why I have social issues? I don't know. I don't think I'm socially inept; I think I notice social cues. I love meeting new people and I'm friendly.. but I've rarely felt such a deep emotional bond with others, to where I feel I can just share anything with them. It's easiest for me to do that on the internet, or to a therapist, because it's confidential. I'm like afraid that if I tell people my insecurities it will just give them more reason to abandon me, or look at me with a negative light. So pretty much last year I'd act like everything was fine in my life when I was basically allowing things to crash down. But I didn't want to give people who didn't like me something to look down on me for, so in the end, when it crashed and burned people must of thought it came from nowhere. but then again, why should I care what they think when they weren't my friends? well, because I wanted friends, unfortunately. or at least one. i wish i could have just been like a robot and been really efficient but no, I let stupid feelings destroy me in high school
It's like I'm now afraid of getting close to others because I've been friends with many people who over time, seemed to lose interest in me and stop being my friend. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'ts not like I'm a boring person.. I feel like people first are excited to get to know me and then the interest fades. Am I supposed to be inviting them to things first? It's so frustrating. I once invited a girl to something we both wanted to see, and even paid for her ticket, but I never heard from her again except her on a few rare occasions, acting like we were friends at school and saying a comment to me.
So I feel like all these years have been a waste and I can't even stand watching sitcoms about teenage life anymore, when it 100% hasn't been like that for me. Teen shows seem to be in some completely different reality. I don't even understand myself, much less other teens. I don't understand why I've been so cruel to myself by doing things against what will truly make me happy.
But I want to succeed in life. Perfectionism has also contributed to my downfall, because it's caused me to procrastinate a lot by going online (for comfort. since I'm not getting invited to social events, it's how I feel connected to the world) in lieu of schoolwork (which is really hard for me because I take very long to do it "perfectly", and have since a very young age). So I just feel like I've let everyone down; teachers, parents, and myself. And I don't know how to come out of it. I really want to make a difference in this world and people have gone through far worse than me and achieved such great things. What are their secrets? How do I get willpower? Cause I feel like I want to do things but then something stops me, and then I just feel guilty and hate myself for it and not even basically crash and burn than doing my best and getting a result that I feel is "less than my personal best".
I just hate being alone. I'm so relieved high school is finally over, but especially last year, for my senior year, I was achingly lonely and music and the internet were where I went for comfort, but I can't go to a dance with an Animal Collective record. I can't go with an internet friend, who lives hundreds of miles away, to a movie. I need to make real friends and FIX my life so I don't repeat these same mistakes in college (and in middle school I thought I wouldn't make these mistakes in high school.. I thought I'd take the smart approach to high school, ugh) and I want to just do things that actually make me happy and will very much HELP my future instead of just screwing over my high goals through my self destructive attidude, just because I didn't have "the teenage experience"
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Realizing you have a problem and desiring to fix it is a massive first step. I like the fact that you're talking to a therapist but ask yourself how much of the session is them listening to you rather than giving you the keys to turning this around?
You aren't crazy and need not be to visit a psychiatrist. You need to see one so they can find the issues as to why you cannot relate to others, have friends, or function like a normal teen and actually give you the tools to turn it around and work on your social skills on-top.
They can also do something no therapist can and deal with the depression and heartache you feel and medically treat it. That would clear up a lot for you.
The thing with people at school is that they truly didn't know you, your inner-beauty, talents because you were scared and didn't know how to act. They backed off of you in a big way because they could feel there was an issue with confidence in the way you acted with them.
When it comes to people just treat them like you would a relative and talk about things that interest you and likely them and relax as they can't bite you.
College has TONS of clubs for every interest under the sun and student government. You should join both as it forces you to get to know people and make friends. It would be foolish not to. Also, see if you can join an improv class or drama class in town because that will open up the world to you with dealing with all types of people and having fun. Doctors advocate that.
Next, I don't buy this nonsense that you can't get out of the house because you don't drive. I want you to go online and learn the local bus schedule plus one into the nearest city as well as subway map and get a weekly or monthly pass.
Look online for cooking, acting, self-defense especially and other courses you can get to by bus as well as theaters and concerts and start filling your days and nights with that and you'll surely meet people.
If your parents who sound too overprotective and shouldn't allow what has happened all these years worry about street-smarts they need to be told not to. As long as you have a cell-phone you are fine and start out taking the bus or subway 1-3 stops first and get off and have them meet you at that stop until you feel A-1 with it.
When it comes to the computer you need to be off of it and social media as much as possible. It may be hard at first but limit it to going on right when you wake up for an hour and right before bed for an hour. Sounds hard but isn't.
In the time in between I want you totally out of the house at all costs. It doesn't matter where you go, what you do and doesn't even have to cost anything but go out daily for walks, to the mall even to walk around, library anything outside or doing something away from the computer.
Now, you are probably asking how do I get to go to all those movies, concerts, classes, plays etc I'm talking about? What you need to do is ask your family for a monthly allowance say of $200.00 and use that for all meals, clothes, CDs whatever and get a chequing account at a bank.
They would provide this until you land a job. I want you to actively pursue that and try places like McDonald's and the movie theater as they hire people constantly for work there. That will teach you responsibility for your own self and to deal with others better.
Next, NONE of these problems have to do with race, religion, culture and can change. You may think life so far has dealt you a bad hand and perhaps it has but you have to take the shit from the past, forget it and push it aside and use it to propel forward as illustrate above.
One thing is for sure your therapist is not a doctor or mental-health specialist. What you need is a psychiatrist as a lot of what you are dealing with is a mental-health issue of which all of what you illustrated are the byproducts of. If you see a psychiatrist they can make drastic changes to help you especially if you are depressed and lonely as stated.
I'm also NOT letting you off the hook. I'm looking for you to connect with me as much as possible on your progress as I want to make you my project until I see your life is starting to change. And above all show mom and dad you wrote this and the response. I've been in your shoes and wouldn't tell you all of what I did if I hadn't made it out the other side myself.
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This is one very long question, mostly heartache because you feel your friend problems are all your fault. Believe me. if you could get your school class to talk honestly about how they feel about their friends, most of them would say much the same as you have. There are many kinds of teenage experiences and yours is common, from what I see and hear in real life. It can be difficult finding friends, wherever you are, however you grew up. I know that probably won't help you much but I think it's true, whatever people say. So if we accept that your life has been s*** up to now, does it have to stay like that for the rest of your life? ONE person can change it - YOU! What do you like to do? What music, reading material, hobbies do you have? Make a list and then look up online if there are any groups in your area that match your list. Talking to people who have similar interests to you is a good way of finding friends. Are you interested in charity wprk? The current economic crisis may mean many people are looking for friendship. If you like sports, look for a sports club where you can join in swimming, playing badminton, netball, football or whatever. If you feel awkward talking to new people, remember - so do they! Make an effort to ask questions about them, be interested in what they say. You'll make them feel more relaxed and hopefully, you'll forget about your anxious feelings. I really hope this helps, let me know how you get on? Best wishes X.
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Hi,
Every teenager has their own reality.
Try to strive for progress, not perfection. This will make a huge difference in how you take on your life. Those negative thoughts will become replaced with positive ones. Negative thoughts can cause less brain activity as opposed to positive ones. Think about what your thoughts are doing to your health and the detrimental effects they can have on your life.
The kids that go to parties, have friends, and have a fun teenage life, don't have 'it' any more than you do. Just because you spent a lot of time alone sitting in front of a computer doesn't mean you don't have the same social abilities as those who have been spending time out of the house. Yet, the more time you spend away from people, the more weird you can get. You may not be fully aware of how you come off to people because you are not in touch with their way of thinking.
Many people avoid others that can appear to be a little off. Try talking to yourself in a mirror to get a picture of how you appear to others. Replay a conversation you had earlier that day. Or you could try recording yourself on camera for your own eyes only. Watch and see your body language and think about what message it gives. Do your best to avoid negative thoughts on yourself. Think about improving the message you give to others about you.
Do not fret about failing. Every failure is a step towards success. You have the power to reach success and all those failures on the way aren't even going to matter. Failure can be embarrassing. It can be an embarrassing reflection of you but it doesn't have to be. You have the power to decide what can have an effect on how you appear.
Life is 20% what you make it. Life is 80% how you take it.
It is very important for your mental health to exercise. Start by walking everyday or go join a gym. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
-see the effects of exercise.
I suggest these websites to learn the detrimental effects of negative thinking:
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[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Go buy a personal journal and take notes day-to-day. Write down your negative thoughts, write down things you just can't stop thinking about, write down what you would like to change, write down how your thoughts got in the way of what you were wanting to achieve, write down how it can change your outcome if you started having faith and positive thoughts about yourself, and write down anything else that you believe would help you in your progress.
You may have a little social anxiety due to your lack of social interactions. Think about how easy it is for you to make friends online and look at how well you are at socially interacting with people. These skills you can use outside of the internet world. Your emotions when you are around others develop into the atmosphere. If you are comfortable, it is easier for others around you to feel comfort. Look at how others react to what you say. Emulate people that you feel have it easier making new friends.
A lot of times friends grow apart. It happens. Just accept the fact that when you make friends, they may or may not be forever. The lack or change of common interests may cause the parting of a friendship. A lasting friend is rare. When you find a friend that you would like to keep, always try to maintain a connection with them.
You have what it takes. I wouldn't say that if I wasn't certain. You probably heard that acceptance is the first step to getting better. It is. It is key to accept yourself and your imperfections. Strive for progress, not perfection.
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parsimoniousdino
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Seeing a therapist is a start.
Also, Only YOU can fix your life. Nobody can do that for you, Not even a therapist.
When I was in High School, I also did not party, I did not have a large group of friends nor did I date right away. In fact if I recall I actually starting dating someone beginning of my senior year.
You sound pretty normal to me to be honest. Maybe you didn't live up too your fullest in high school but you CAN change that. If you want friends then you have to be willing to try and meet the right people. Reality is, High School and College are much different. People grow up, move on and most of us grow out of being immature. High School is full of drama and peer pressure.
Anyway, You could be experiencing anxiety due to being fresh out of high school and soon to be entering college. Honestly? Completely normal.
In the meantime it's summer and you could try to start with finding a part time job to save money. You may even make friends who knows but you really should start setting some goals to for yourself. Even if they are small goals like trying to make new friends, Plan out how you want to enter college. If you go with a positive attitude then you are more likely to succeed
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