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Overbearing / over emotional mother?
I am a 20 year old, semi-independent college student. I live with my father across the country from where I originally grew up. We moved when I was in 7th grade, and while the move was tough on me at first I quickly started feeling perfectly at home in my new state. I am now in my second year of college and would say that I definitely have a life here that I am not going to leave. The problem is with my mom's emotional well-being. I understand that she misses me, but it is her fault that I had to move away in the first place. We're on good terms now and we talk often enough (a couple texts during week days, sometimes a phone call every once in awhile). She has this unhealthy fixation on me moving back in with her though that makes me really uncomfortable. She'll take any opportunity to ask me to come back, and I'm at the point where I just don't know what to say to her any more. In fact, I flew over to see her last year (for the first time in over two years) and it was really a terrible experience. She was off her rocker the whole time (not drugs or anything) and just really depressed and she gets irritated over everything. I'm the kind of person who doesn't let nasty little remarks go so I usually escalate the situation.. basically we got in a fight (mind you... first time seeing her in years), that got to a point where she demanded I get back on a plane home and that's precisely what I did. ANYWAY. It used to be every time she'd get like this I'd explain to her gently that logistically it just wouldn't work out because I have a job, a girlfriend, a network of friends, I'm going to school, and there are a lot of opportunities where I am at, etc. But now I just ignore the texts because if I go down that road it's just an emotional rollercoaster where she tries to guilt trip me. I got a text from her just a couple nights ago that says "I had a dream about you you were just a little boy again and I was taking you to school. Okay that's it pack your bags u comin home!" Does anyone have some advice of what I can say to her (if I even should say anything to her)? Maybe I should change the way I think about the situation but what I really want is to stop seeing my mom getting all depressed I don't live with her. If she would stop brooding about it all the time it wouldn't be such an issue for her.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Your Mom sounds like she's feeling sad and
unwanted, her family have gone and whe isn't needed anymore.
My mother has similar problems. I ring her once weekly and we talk about anything and everything, family news, tv, politics, whatever comes up. She really wants to tell me all bout her health problems, which is fine, but self-limiting as I don't have all the answers!
Could you try ringing her regularly, let her know what's happening in your life, any harmless gossip etc.? If she's online, you could email her, send her jokes, news items etc. that you think she might be interested in, anything really to reassure her that even though you don't live together anymore, she's still an important part of your life.
Jppe this helps, let me know how you get on? Best wishes.
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My whole family is pretty much the same way, I moved from Colorado to DC, and my mom lives in California now because her and my dad decided to separate. My sister is always telling me that I should move back to Colorado because my dad is alone, and my mom just recently got a job and is saying how great it would be if I moved out there, I could get a job as well and we could rent a place together (lol) The funny thing is, I live with my boyfriend, we're planning on our future together, I have a job, and everything is going well for me.
It's not that she wants you to move back, yes, she missing your physical presence, but she missing being able to be close to you like when you were little even more. If you slowly start talking to her more and more, send her pictures frequently of your day-to-day life, such as you and your girlfriend, your friends, your school, where you live, ect. ect.. it will be a lot better for her to cope with her feelings and instead of
"oh my husband(/boyfriend idk..) and my son left when he was so young, I miss when we were a happy family"
It could be,
"wow my son is in college in a different state, I've made an album (whatever she does with the pictures) so when I miss him, I can look at them and see how good his life is."
it won't be over-night, and she'll always miss her little boy, but it's better than not being in contact and making her think you don't love her at all.
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I understand what you are going through. It sounds like your mother is having a lot of trouble letting go of her little boy. I suggest that maybe you let her fly over to see you. Maybe when she sees how you live and what a great life you have where you are right now she will feel better. Always let her know how much you love her. She might feel like if she's losing you because of how grown up you are. No mother ever wants to feel unwanted or like if she's not needed by her child. Make sure that you really show her how much you love her. She just might be in need of a little love and appreciation from her son.
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