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Virginity, Cheating and Lying
For four-five years i have been in a happy relationship with a man, lets call him Bob.
However last year, I did the wrongest thing someone could do, I slept with someone else, lets call him Will.
I first met Will properly at someones birthday meal. I was sitting next to him. I told him that i was a cheerleader just in convosation and his eyes lit up. At this point he began to brainwash me. For the next 3 months he groomed me.
Bob at the time could see this (At this point we were a long distance relationship) and warned me against him. I did not listen.
Will would say things to me like "your such a freak, but your so cute" he'd convinve me to stay up late for him, he even convinced me to dump Bob.
Will tried time and time again to get my pants off me. He would come to my house to watch a film kiss me a bit and before the film had finished he would leave. he was grroming me from the start to always want more. Until eventually, he looked at me and said to me "Shall we just do it" he said as he undid my jeans.
I dont know what I was thinking, but I said okay and we had sex. We had sex another time after this too. He texted me to come round and i did, like a fool.
Will controlled me through the time I knew him. Brainwashed me, to the point he dumped me a week before my birthday and I still invited him to my birthday celebration.
All throughout this I was still in a realtionship with Bob. I didnt tell Bob untilafter it happened. Although I lied throughout to Bob and myself about what was happening.
I am still with Bob, and Will I no longer speak too.
A year on I've realised that I'm still under Will's control, I still wont say a bad word about him. Even though I think he is a snake (and a mix of other profanities)I want to break this bond, for mine and my boyfriends sake.
S few things need to happen:
- he score needs to be equalised. Will needs to feel the exact same humiliation that Bob felt, the feeling of helplessness.
-I need to break this bond i have between Will and I.
-I need to speak out against Will.
Bob should have been the one to get my virginity, not Will. Will really is nothing to me. and I want to prove this to Bob. Im just looking for some ideas, opinions. Bob is an amazing guy, he has taken me back but continues to remind me of what Ive done and the connection between me and Will. Im desperate to show him I am not under Wills control.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
use you imagination. you both need to like go on the most romantic date or trip ever, and if you really love him, let him know it. i dont mean give yourself to him, unless that's what you're already thinking, if that's the case, then still go on the trip, and then, let that lead to...other things ;) he really likes, maybe even loves you if he's still with you, that means something
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You need therapy.
You don't need revenge or equalization. That's a myth of the movies. It doesn't exist in real life, because you can't control the emotional lives of others. You cannot make Will feel the same humiliation as Bob, because Will ISN'T Bob. Will might be such a manipulative narcissist he simply can't experience what Bob can, and even if he can - you wont be able to induce it in him. Nothing you do will hurt him as much your sexual affair hurt Bob. Accept that, and let go of the revenge fantasy.
Sure, you need to 'break the bond' between you and Will. Or more accurately, you need to end your obsession with what took place. Will doesn't have anything to do with it anymore really. Since you haven't managed this alone, get your butt into therapy. Remember that you are not 'under Will's control'. You never were. You got caught up in a fantasy and in lust. Will is a manipulative asshole, but brainwashing is science fiction. Maintaining this connection and obsession in the way you have is your way of making it all about nasty, evil Will, and not having to truly take responsibility for what you did.
When you stop blaming Will for EVERYTHING, and acting like he the dark wizard that cast a spell on you, you'll find it much easier to speak out against him and the things that he definitely did do wrong. If you keep thinking of him as though it's all his fault, then you'll have trouble speaking against him, because in your heart, you'll know that it's not true and that you share the blame for what you did.
Go to therapy and work on yourself. Explore the reasons you made the destructive choices you did, and how you can avoid those missteps in the future. Once you do that, you'll find it much easier to let the obsession go, and to hold yourself (and Will) responsible for the mistakes made.
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You can't show him you're not under Will's control if you honestly still are.
The score will be equalised eventually. I personally don't believe in revenge and all that, that retribution will come to everyone for everything. Perhaps not in the same way. Will may feel utter humiliation and helplessness some time in the future, but not necessarily in terms of a relationship (especially since he seems to play it like a game). It doesn't seem like there's anything you can do to even the score anyway (please don't do anything drastic).
Good on you that you no longer have contact with Will. It is not such a bad thing that you won't say a bad word about him because you know that you think ill of him which should be enough unless someone you care about is about to fall into his trap. At least you know for sure to avoid him at all costs. And anyway, it's commonly construed that always saying bad things about an 'ex' sort of person in a 'he sucks he sucks he sucks' way just means you're not over them.
Will seems like a very manipulative guy who's only looking out for himself. He is seriously not worth your while.
If you really want to sever all mental/emotional ties, just focus on everything bad about him and what he had done.
If you are definitely not under Will's control anymore, your actions should be able to show it. It isn't nice of Bob to keep bringing it up like that, unless you're on that topic in conversation.
Tell him to stop reminding you of it because he is just slowing down that process of 'forgetting' Will, he is bringing the hurt back on himself, and putting a lot of guilt on you which is unfair. Unless you feel no guilt at all... because you did have a part to play in this.
Take responsibility for the fact that you did not say no, though Will shouldn't be playing you like that.
Do you love Bob? It might be time you reflect and think deeply about this because if you really, truly are in love with him, you wouldn't be under Will's spell and would have found the strength to say no. You are very lucky to have an amazing man who will still take you back after that and who loves you.
I hope this helped to clear some things up. Just let Will be, wherever he is. Focus on yourself and Bob.
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