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How can I get my wife to open back up?
For the last 9 years my wife and I have been going down a rocky road for our relationship. I was a selfish prick to her and my two daughters. I would go off and go drinking with my buddies, I would refuse to help her in any way shape or form, and I would take full on advantage of her services. I felt that since I was the sole provider then I can do what ever I want. About two years ago she had an affair and it was a huge wake up call for myself. I started to turn myself around, quit drinking, and be there for her more. Then one day, something snapped inside of me. All I could do is think about the affair, every time I looked at her I would get so angry at her I couldn't even stand it so I would go to the bars with my buddies and go drinking to drown out the anger. I did this for six months straight with now break. During this time she was working real hard to make things right but I would simply ignore her. I got so tired of her trying to make our marriage work and I got so tired of being angry that I told her that I want a divorce. Well after I said that I went out of town on business and that gave me time to think about what I said and what I really want in my marriage. I contacted her and I told her that I have been doing some thinking and that I want to make our marriage work and turn our situation around. Well its been almost a year and my wife still is shut off from me and she keeps telling me that if she opens up a little she feels I will go back to my old ways. I have seen the errors of what I have done and I truly love my wife. She is my everything. I would love it if I could get her to open up, but everything that I try gets shut down, she turns me down for dates, she refuses to touch me, she refuses to talk to me. I figured she would just up and leave but she hasn't. Is she punishing me for what I have done? Is she feeling guilt for the affair? How do I get my wife to open up after nearly a year of her being shut down?
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I don't blame her, I understand where you are you coming from but I also see where she stands also.
You've burnt her, You have been married for 9 years and you have chosen to put yourself before your wife and your children. Your wife had a lot of time to sit on her own anger and frustration that she took matters into her own hands and began to seek what she wanted through in affair.
If you want to fix things, Then I would sit down with your wife and try to talk to her about seeking help through marriage counseling. If you can't afford this then you could try going to a church that would offer free family/marriage counseling to you and your wife. Second, If you have a drinking problem I would also discuss trying to get yourself into rehab. In order to make this work you and your wife have to come to a mutual understanding and likely your wife needs some serious convincing that you want to make a change in your life. This can happen but it will take time. Talk to her and come with a plan and take it a day at a time.....Anything is possible but you need to communicate.
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You could try asking her what she wants to do. I know it sounds simplistic but perhaps she feels it's all been about you and what you want in each stage of this story.
Mefiation might help, if you can find such a service - a neutral space where you each have a chance to say your piece without interruption. It often becomaes quite an emotionally charged meeting but lots of unsaid, old resentments and grievances can be aired and sorted out.
I also think you need to work on your reactions to stress; in two phases of your life, your fall-back sireaction to being true self has been to turn to drink. This does a lot to numb your pain and distort the situation but achieves nothing towards resolving the problem.
SO my advice is to sort out your tendency to drink under stress and ask your wife if she'll try mediation with you. Both sides have to agree to do this, so I hope it works for you both.
Let me know how you get on, keep in touch if you feel I can help further. Best of luck.
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To answer your questions first. I think a little of all the above and who would blame her.
As to getting your wife to open up to you; What you two most desperately need is a neutral ground where both of you agree what is said their stays their. Something like a trip to Vegas only more structured.
This will work if both of you want to save your marriage. The neutral ground I speak of is the office of a good marriage counselor. Going in you both need to agree, in front of the counselor that you will be open and forthright. That everything said their stays their unless the counselor says otherwise.
You've taken a big step here by admitting to us you are mostly responsible for the problems in your marriage. My question is this; have you ever told your wife this? If not find away to tell her as this is something I think she needs to hear. In fact it may be a good lead in to asking her to go to marriage counseling with you.
The thing is we all make mistakes in life. If we are sincere, and I think you are. Then we can usually find away to correct those mistakes. It appears you may have seriously hurt your wife in a form of abandonment. She then sought comfort where she could find it. You found out about the affair and turned yourself around for awhile. Then as you say something happened, this is when you should have sought counseling.
Your wife has every reason to reject your offer. I believe though if you go to her with a sincere offer and apology for the past, she will see the sincerity. If she does then hopefully she has enough spark left that she will join you in saving your marriage.
Good luck.
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I don't blame her. You disrespected her and now she doesn't trust you. You nee to work to get her trust back. Do you think ahe wants to ignore you? Do you think she has to? She doesn't want to be with you when you left her for other things and now she feels useless and isn't going to make that mistake again. So be careful what you say or do and earn her trust and show her you love her by making breakfast, being nice, cleanng ect.
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