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need advice about relationship with teacher
I just turned 22 years old very devoted Muslim. I am married with a wonderful husband. He works in IT and I am a stay at home mom who is on the internet much too often. I was raised in Jordan. We went to a very good school and Quran school. I learned to memorize most of the Quran at a young age. This is the first time I am opening up about this and REALLY need your advice/
My parents sent me to this Quran boarding school for girls for 3 months out of the year every year since I was very little (I was the only one accepted out of my family. my brothers and sisters leaned from the Mosque). I learned a lot. You see I lost my father when I was young (12 years) and the man who headed and taught the school and his wife where very helpful in helping me heal in ways no one ever did!! I loved my father, he was the greatest man I ever knew. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister all younger than me.
But Abu, the school mater, that trained me—he and I were very close, even sexually in that school. It sounds strange but we kept it secret. He was a very kind man who really knew how to teach well –whatever. His wife was the one who gave me birth control pills to save my family and myself the shame. She said she did it for other girls to. I am very grateful to her for being a mentor and confidant. We kept our sexual relationship till until my family moved to the UK. But this is a shameful thing in my past I don’t talk to people about it but now I have to because it is killing me inside. If my parents found out I would be dead DEAD. I learned ALOT about my body and sex and i am grateful to have learned these things from Abu. it was an amazing sexual experiuence over all. When I got married I lied to my husband like many of the girls I know to say I was a virgin. Otherwise I would never get married. The strange thing is that it has not bothered me or haunted me like I hear on Oprah and others who had these experiences. I do not have ill feelings toward this man and his wife. They are people I still respect because of how ethical and kind they have treated my family through out the years. They paid for all my education and my brothers and sisters as well. They provided meals for us when my mother did not have enough, etc. When we see them as a family we just pretend this stuff never happened. I never bring it up and he or his wife never do. . I asked around if anyone else had my experience and no one would talk about it. It is a very shameful thing for a Muslim Arab girl to talk about these things!! But my aunt, who is about my age, opened up to me and told me she had similar experiences with this man. She is also married now with three children and wants to leave the past in the past. She begged me not to tell anyone about him and to just leave things as they are since we both went through it and we turned out “OK”.
Her daughter, Cameron, my niece she is now in Jordan with my family and they are sending her to the same school to learn the Quran. Abu is still teaching there. My sister said it is best to not talk about it and let her experiernece life and sex and everything else like we did. My friends tell me to expose this man. It would be devastating to our family to bring this news out about what he did with me and the other girls because of the shame factor. I would never bring that kind of shame on him, my family or my religion. I respect him. Am I weird and crazy?? But I don’t know what to do because now Cameron is there and my family did not think twice about sending her to that school because it has such a good reputation. My American friends tell me to make my sister take Cameron out of that school as soon as yestersay. I feel so mistrable because of what they tell me I am wicked. But my experience was good over all at that school. But they make me feel horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am depressed about this. I really want Cameron to learn from this very good school and Abu, but I don’t know what to do!! Please help me from going crazy…I don’t know what to do..i need help to think about this.
PLEASE respond to jjordan2011@mail.com
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YOu are experiencing what we call here Stockholm Syndrome. You identify with your abuser. Heres a website to read up on it. You may recognize some things about yourself in there.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
But make no mistake, this man crossed a line, and broke the rule of any civilized society. A man does not have sex with a child. If it was not wrong, why do he and his wife go to such great lenghths to keep it a secret? The fact that she is aware he molests young girls is very disturbing as well. You think you were a willing partner for him, but in reality you weren't. You were young and impressionable. He took advantage. His treatment of your family sounds more like a bribe than true caring. He'll care for you and your family as long as you keep quiet. What do you think would have happened to him and his wife if you had become frightened and told someone? They wanted you to be quiet. It was part of the plan. Your niece is in danger there. She may not be so "pleased" to be this man's sexual partner as you were. But given the cultural issues you've described, she'll have no one to turn to for help. You are her only help. You are not wicked, but you are feeling bad because of what HE did, not because your friends don't understand. They do understand. you don't seem to understand. I strongly recommend you seek some private counseling so you can talk to someone openly and privately about this. It may help you think more clearly about the situation. You do need help. And so does your niece.
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Every culture sees things a bit differently then others. There may be a culture out there that what you experienced would be approving of what happened. The Muslim culture and the believers in the Quran are not among them.
As I understand the Quran. A women that has a sexual affair with a married man is subject to be stoned to death under Muslim laws that follow the Quran. I'm not aware if there is any penalty for a man taking advantage of a student in his charge under Muslim laws or the Laws that follow the Quran. I would suspect that a somewhat progressive country like Jordan would have laws to protect children from sexual abuse.
Your Aunt has sent her daughter to this mans school knowing full well what her daughter might be subject too. Is she doing so under duress to protect herself because family and her husband are saying her daughter must attend this school to learn the Quran. This is something I feel you must know and understand before you make any decision.
The right thing to do would be to expose what is happening at this school;. To do so, as I understand Muslim tradition, would place both you and your Aunt at risk for your own lives as well as your nieces if she has been soiled by this man.
He should be exposed for what he is; a child molester. No society approves of child molestation. Many if not all developed countries have strict laws against this with severe punishments for this crime.
I'm not sure where you live, if it is outside of Jordan in the US or Great Britain. If you are in either place you could contact either the US State Department Jordanian Desk or the British Foreign Office. You could tell them about this man. They may with the help of one of the UN Council protective bodies may be able to expose this person while protecting you and your Aunts identities,
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In the United States where I am from it is an unlawful act for a student/teacher to have a relationship anything beyond education. As a teacher Abu has the higher authority of you, Basically this man took advantage of you. As your teacher his job is too educate you and be a role model not proceed a sexual relationship with his students. This man was married and he had an affair, If his wife ever found out how do you think she would feel? Any man that is willing to cheat on his wife is in the wrong. Cheating on someone is disrespectful and immoral, You stated you respected Abu and his wife. Why do you respect him? He went and took advantage of you. Even if you consented to sex, It was and is still wrong. In the States if a teacher got caught have relations with a student they would be fired as the School system has zero tolerance. As long as you are a student is not right to have a relationship with someone who is in higher power. Meaning, If you were to have sexual relationships with a therapist, teacher, counselor or anyone who is in authority it would be a very wrong thing to do. Plus this man was married!......Never go and have relations with a married man. You are now in the United Kingdom, To expose this man of what he has done would be pointless as you are half way across the country and you as a 22 year old are now an adult. My advice too you is to learn from your mistake and to move on with your life, If you are still in contact with Abu and his wife I would say to stop contacting him and leave it at that. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to tell your niece to stay away him as well, You don't have to explain your story just simply say the man is married and has tried to proceed a relationship with you in the past. Give her a warning
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