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Friday hangout <<< Previous Question
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Should I break up with him or not. if i leave him will i be happy or regret it?


Question Posted Friday February 3 2012, 12:15 am

ive been with my boyfriend for 14 months now. and im completely confused. i have so many mixed feelings. we were so happy in the beginning we were perfect, hes my first everything, and im so comfortable with him its crazy. i love him so much. everything he does is cute and he does everything for me. pays for me puts me before anyone will walk in the freezing rain 3 miles to come and see me. hes the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. but heres the issue. we started breaking up and making up ever since the middle of summer. when we fight its usually over jealousy or him getting mad at me because i ditched him or whatever. but when we fight they are huge. he gets so angry and yells and freaks out he alwaysflips out. im just getting tired of all of it. and i see my friends having fun being single and i just wanna be happy again. im not happy. me and my boyfriend always are fighting and now im starting to reject him and hes freaking out even more sayin gi dont love him or care about him or anything.... and he thinks i want someone else which i dont! i cant take our constant fighting and breaking up and making up anymore cause i feel like he just pushed me away cause he freaks out over a lot of little things. but im confused..... if i leave him will i be happy or regret it? am i supposed to break up with him? cause i love him so much and he does everything for me... i dont wanna take the mistake of dumping him cause what if we were supposed to be together in the end........ im just so confused and i need some help :(

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gr8fruit answered Saturday February 4 2012, 3:09 pm:
Hi,
It sounds like you've come to a point where you need to talk to eachother. The way I see it both of you are wanting to be heard, but since nobody can listen over the screaming and yelling, nothing is actually getting worked out.

First things first: breaking up and getting back together several times is never healthy for a relationship. Obviously, since you broke up, something was not working and then when you got back together, whatever wasn't fixed in the first place still never got fixed; this causes a repetitive cycle until you just break up for good. If you two have jealousy issues, you have to explain to eachother that 'so and so' is just a good guy friend and you wouldn't do anything with him or visa vera. That way you can understand how this guy/girl fits into yours/your bf's life. Otherwise we all tend to assume and you know where that gets us. Also, if your guy thinks you are ditching him, you could explain where you are going and say you'll be back in ___ minutes, so that when you do come back, he doesn't have a reason to yell at you.

When he freaks out and says you don't love him, your natural instinct may be to tell him 'oh yea, I don't love you..' but please, don't say that. Simply tell him that you will always love him and you always care about him. If he continues saying you don't care, just remind him you love him, try to hug him, then simply walk away calmly. It's hard to explain how you feel to someone if they are all wound up in the moment sometimes. So once he takes a few breathes, tell him again. It is not your fault that he says you don't love him either. He is doing this out of anger only and the only thing you can do in that moment is help him realize you still do love him by being strong. If he thinks you want someone else, you've got to tell him he's the only one! Otherwise he'll keep thinking what he wants without any answers.. kind of like you right now. You need these answers.


None of us on here can tell you whether you will be happy or regret leaving him; only you know how you will feel if that were to happen. What I can tell you is that you may regret it at first and then end up feeling happier once you are out of this situation. It's all up to you. If you were supposed to break up with him, you would of had an ultimate reason why you couldn't stay with him. Such as, he yells to much or he makes you feel bad.. Or you turn around and just keep trying to see if it will work out together. Give it another week or so and then make a decision. Who says when you break up with someone it will be forever? <3

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Xui answered Friday February 3 2012, 5:35 am:
EDIT: Um, I actually did read your question. I posted my answer, If you don't like it too bad! I don't sugar coat and I'm not going to beat my way around the bush because you can't handle the fact that your relationship is obviously unstable. So, Call me what you want because if you are smart enough to read between my lines........I don't give a rats ass.



Jealousy will get you nowhere in a relationship, You both need to trust one another.

A relationship is basically a partnership, In order to make it work you need to both be committed and learn to mutually respect one another. While fighting is normal, It's not normal to do it constantly.

Fighting ALL the time in a relationship will eventually drain you, Overtime it becomes almost unbearable and the stress puts a strain on bother parties. You both need to learn to chill, If you think it's best then stop spending so much time together. It is never healthy to always spend 24.7 with your spouse as the time you take apart is what will keep the flame going. Nobody can tell you if you will regret leaving him as this is a choice only you can make. If you both care about one another then learn to trust, Take time apart every now and then for a few hours because in the end it will only do best. If you smother each other then you will continue to have arguments.

[ Xui's advice column | Ask Xui A Question
]



DangerNerd answered Friday February 3 2012, 2:42 am:
(EDIT: The answer below mine is excellent, I just wanted to add this to point out something that wasn't addressed.)

Hi there,

It feels like there is something missing from this question.

You have a guy who:

"hes my first everything, and im so comfortable with him its crazy. i love him so much. everything he does is cute and he does everything for me. pays for me puts me before anyone will walk in the freezing rain 3 miles to come and see me. hes the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for."

... and yet:

"...him getting mad at me because i ditched him or whatever."


Now, if he is the best everything, ever. Why are you ditching him?

That would cause any guy to freak out on you.

Think about it from the other side:

He is doing EVERYTHING for you... and the only thing you said you do for him in this question... is ditch him. Think about how that makes you sound. :-(

Should he get as upset as he does? Nope. Not even for your benefit, but for his own health that is a mistake. So why does he? Simple: He doesn't have the skills to cope with something like this. Most people don't.

An anger management class would do him a world of good. A counselor he can talk to about this, would change everything.

In this entire question, you never once mention his happiness. You just tell us that he does everything for you, makes you feel wonderful, and you repaid that by ditching him... then you don't know why he gets mad?

In a relationship, it takes two people who make each other happy. The only way this works is if you are as concerned about his happiness as he is with your own.

I am sure you just weren't thinking when you wrote this, but you made yourself look incredibly selfish. Read the question back and you will see that it is all about you and YOUR happiness, and not one word about his happiness.

If that wasn't a mistake, and you really are only concerned about your own happiness, then you would be doing him a huge favor by breaking up with him.

There is no future with a selfish spouse... and I speak from vast amounts of experience on this.

Some people give and some people take. If you have a giver and a taker together, the giver always ends up with the worst of it.

When the taker has taken all they can, then they move on to their next person they can take from.

The giver, is left as an empty shell with little left to offer anyone else. Very few people, men or women, ever fully recover from this.

So, if you really did mean this the way it was written, and you are a taker, then please let him go while he still has a chance to find happiness with someone who doesn't take all his love and then "ditch" him.

If you didn't realize what you had written here, then WAKE UP and realize what you are doing. Start giving something back, and watch how quickly the fights fade away.

If you want to make this work, then please consider going to couples counseling to help work through the things that have been built up to date.

You ask if you would be happy if you left him:

Well, at first probably yes.

Guess what will happen next, though? You will have the same issues over again.

People only have so much patience, and so much to give before they realize they are with a "taker" and then the problems start.

The only reason your boyfriend didn't dump you right there on the spot when you "ditched" him after all he did for you, is because he loves you.

He knows he is better off without someone in his life who takes, and doesn't give anything back... but because he loves you, he won't admit it to himself.

So, if you want to break up with him, you certainly can, but unless you fix your issues about selfishness, you will poison your next relationship as well.

Unless he gets help with impulse control and de-toxing from being taken advantage of, he probably won't ever be healthy enough to have a good relationship either.

If you have ANY doubt that he is feeling taken advantage of and used by you, then you let him read this answer and you see what he has to say about it.

Lastly, you mention that you feel he is pushing you away because he freaked out... that is NOT true.

He is most likely freaking out because because he doesn't know any other way to get you to listen. Try going through what I wrote here WITH him and see what happens.

If you are willing to make it work, and he still wants to try, which he obviously does, then get some help.

Anything can be fixed if the two people are willing to selflessly give to one another.

The minute selfishness comes into it, there isn't much hope.

Good luck to the both of you. I know this is hard to hear, but the truth is worth the pain.

If you two don't fix these things now, you will both have to fix them in your next relationships, or the ones after that.

If you have any questions about getting help, please write again.

[ DangerNerd's advice column | Ask DangerNerd A Question
]



nascarfan1987 answered Friday February 3 2012, 2:32 am:
The fighting is normal. Not all couples are perfect. No one can tell you if you will regret it or not. Thats something only time will tell.

Personally, 14 months is a long time. You've been with him the same amount of time as I have been with my boyfriend. Trust me, we use to make up and break up all the time. I'd get mad, and break up out of anger, and he would get mad at the smallest things and just flip out.


You need to take some time apart from him. Give yourself some breathing time before making a decision of leaving him.

Thats what I had to do. I was in the same position as you are. I'm 19, and ALL of my friends are either pregnant or single. I won't lie, I miss being single, but I realized that being single does nothing for me. Yeah going out and partying is fun, hookin up with random guys is fun, and not having to worry about hurting someone you love is great. But at the end of the day, those things didn't matter to me. I'm committed for the long run, ya know?

I don't care if I miss out on parties. I don't care if I can't do some of the things my friends do. At the end of the day, I'd rather be snuggled up to my boyfriend that waking up with a hang over, or whatever.


I hope that makes sense to you? I hope it didn't bore you, but I was trying to make a point. Your age and your boyfriends age can also have a big impact on what should be done.


Like I said previously, you need to sit down and think about whether or not you really want to be without your boyfriend. Sit down and talk to him, if you feel like crying, CRY. But you need to let him know that you want a couple of days to yourself, and let him know that just because you are taking time apart doesn't mean your doing anything your not suppose to, and it doesn't mean you guys aren't together. Let him know that you are going to think long and hard about your relationship with him because the making up and breaking up is becoming too much. Tell him you want him to do the same thing. Tell him that you guys aren't going to see or talk to each other for a couple of days and while this is going on you want him to think about his relationship with you.


I know it seems like a lot, but please trust me. I promise you it will help.

Than on Friday, or Saturday- go out. Just the two of you. Go to dinner, and than to a movie. After going a couple of days without seeing him or talking to him, than you should find yourself missing him. Once you see him looking all nice, it'll feel like it did when you first layed eyes on him.

If the two days go by, and you aren't thinking about him, or missing him than that is a sign that you aren't interested in him anymore.


During those two days (or however many days you wanna take off from him) do NOT hang out with friends. Don't do anything. Sit at home, go to work, school...whatever- so you can be isolated and figure out what it really is you want.



After those days are up, take how you feel from there. If you feel like you really missed him, at dinner discuss what it is in your relationship that needs to be fixed, let him know what it is that is going on in the relationship that is bothering you. Let him do the same. Try not to put all the blame on him either. Try to look at it from his point of view. Word it like "Our relationship hasn't been the best lately, and its because of both of us, but something that has really been bothering me is the breaking and making up.../ how when I do something stupid you blow up and when you do something stupid, I blow up"

That way he doesn't take it offensively.
See what you guys can BOTH do to make it work. A relationship takes two people, not just one. 14 months is a long time to just throw it all away. Make sure it can be worked out first before you call it quits. Personally, thats the only reason why I've ever had regrets. I left a guy, without working it out, and realied that it could have been resolved, and than I always wondered 'what if'.


If it can't be worked out, or it isn't getting any better. Bring it to his attention. Things won't change over night. If you see no progress, and you feel like its doomed; than leave him.

Danger Nerd gave me a couple of more ideas that could benefit you.

If you do leave him, you may be happy at first, but after a few weekends of going out with your friends, you'll realize the 'fun' gets old. You'll think back and maybe wish you had someone to cuddle up to on a rainy night, or even when your friends start to get boyfriends, you will think back on this guy who gave you everything and anything just so you could go out.

You know, you could always bring your boyfriend along. Have your girlfriends bring some guys and go on a double/triple date. Or schedule a girls day, and have him go out with the guys. Keep your self under control and don't cheat. It's just to let yourself breathe and him too. One of the worst things anyone can do is ditch someone. If you have orginially made plans with your boyfriend and than you cancell to hang out with your friends, thats pathetic. You would get mad if you had plans with your loved one and he ditched you for his friends. Would you not? Sometimes you have to think outside of the box, so problems can be resolved. One major thing that I have learned from being in a relationship for 14 months is that sometimes you have to put your feelings aside and focuse on your lover's feelings. Its tough because you will start to get upset or offended, but its a part of love. It's a part of sacaraficing *sp*

Another thing that I learned from my current relationship, is that you aren't going to be happy 24/7. He will do things to piss you off, just like you are going to do things to piss him off; you guys are going to yell and going to fight, but its the fact that you guys keep making up that is amazing. It shows real love. It shows that you guys can make it through everything as long as communication is used properly. Without communication, a relationship is nothing. I kind of wish your boyfriend was on here asking a question so I could get it from his point of view. I wish I could talk to both of you to figure out what the real problem was, so I could help you guys. I see hope in your relationship, but you have to see it to, girl!

I also agree that you need to let your boyfriend read your post, along with DangerNerd & my post; that way you won't have to explain alot and he can get a better understanding of what is going on.

Follow your happiness. But as of the whole having fun thing, I wouldn't really care about it. Than again, it depends on your age as well. When you get older you realize that something just aren't all that there made up to be.


Good Luck.

Sorry its so long.
If you need anything else, I'm here to help. Just inbox me.

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