|
I feel like my parents don't trust me
Alright... There are a lot of things that go into this. I'm a 17 1/2 year old Senior in high school. I am a little overweight and have some very deep personal insecurities. In August 2010, I met someone on an online game and started talking to him. We got together in December of that year, and just passed our one-year mark. I've never met him in person, mostly because he's 22, and he lives across the country. For this Christmas I asked for a plane ticket. Yeah, I know what you're probably thinking; I'm crazy for wanting to do that. Granted, I've heard about the stories, and I'm NOT the kind of person that jumps into everything. I won't do something unless I have full confidence in it. I know he's not like those horn dogs people always talk about because he's just not like that. I know for a fact that he's different because of how he talks to me; I've talked to 'those' kind of guys before, and I knew not to get involved with them because I knew what was on their mind. But he's different. The things he's experienced in his life has made him mature and the kind of person that didn't lie and was a fighter. Ever since 7th grade I've been dreaming of having a boyfriend. I've never had one, never been kissed, literally nothing. I've thought about how my parents would feel and I acknowledged them on that, but they won't even try looking at my side of the situation. They don't know how much I've been hurt over the years or how deep my insecurities really go. I know for a fact that if I was able to fly out and visit him that I'd be much happier. I wouldn't stay there because I know now is not the time to do that. But if I could just see him, just for a couple days, they don't know how happy that'd make me. I practically poured my heart to my mom last night crying and telling her about how horrible I've always felt, and also that since I've met him just talking to him has helped; unlike them. They don't trust my word that he's different. I know I'm still young, and I really do appreciate how they are feeling, but at the same time I want to prove to them that he's a good guy and that I can do this. I know a lot more than they think I know and I'm a very thorough person when it comes to important matters like this. They will say one thing, I'll give them proof why they're wrong, then they switch to another excuse until it comes down to "There is no reason; It's becasue I said so!" Really, I don't ask for things often because I've only ever wanted one thing; and like I said, they aren't even willing to consider my point of view. I understand their concerns. But I want to reassure them that it's ok and to give him a chance and trust my word that I trust him, because I know I can.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
As someone old enough to be your grandfather let me give you what I see as what your parents might be seeing.
The first thought that comes to mind is the almost 5 year age difference between you. For you that may not be a big difference, for us as parents that is a big warning bell.
The next thing is that I don't think it is your parents don't trust you. They are probably thinking as I am. If this guy is thinking as you are; that it is time you two meet why is he not getting on a plane and flying out to meet you. This worry only increases the sound of the alarm bell I'm hearing.
My feeling is your parents do know how you feel. That you are for the most part a very mature young lady. That your desire to be loved and held by another other than family is coloring your good judgement and perspective to the point you are not seeing things as maybe you should.
Suggestion: It cost the same for a plane ticket to send you to him as it would to bring him to you. My thinking is your parents are concerned that in your going to him you could be hurt or even harmed. Ask your parents if they would be more comfortable with him coming to you. If he can't afford the ticket or needs help with the cost of the ticket would they help out as a present to you. If they say yes this eliminates financial reasons for him to say no.
If he comes up with other excuses for not coming to you then you will know he is more of a pen pal than boyfriend. I'm afraid the hurt will be the same but instead of being on the other side of the country you will be at home where your parents can comfort you.
Your parents and I can be very wrong though between the three of us we have seen a lot of life. We have reason to be leery of this situation. You parents are not being mean. They love you and are trying very hard to keep you safe.
Talk to your parents about my suggestion. It is not only a good compromise but it will allow for your parent concerns to be addressed as well as to find just what this guys true intentions are.
]
Know that you can NOT always trust your own judgement- something you most likely haven't learned yet because you haven't had a boyfriend. I've known guys in person that I truly trusted, thought they were great, and they turned out to be lying, cheating jerks. The guy I thought I was gonna marry ended up breaking my heart in the worst way. That's just how life is, nobody is perfect or knows everything.
I understand wanting, even needing to know what's gonna happen.
So if it's so important, and he really is such a great guy, why don't you have him fly out to visit you instead? You could split the costs and have him stay at a hotel or whatever. Get to actually know each other (bringing a parent with you the first time to be safe), have a first date and so forth.
If he really cares, he'll understand your parents' concern and do that for you. It's safer and a better option.
-Krista, 21/f
]
You know what, even if you are right, even if he is the perfect, wonderful guy you hope he is, even if you would be so happy to see him and everything went smoothly and wonderfully it would still not be worth the risk to do what you’ve proposed. It wouldn’t be worth the risk if you were thirty years old.
When I put myself in your parents shoes, no matter how responsible and sensible I think my 17 year old daughter is, no matter how certain she is, no matter how she begged or suffered, I would NEVER willing send her across the country where she knew no one but a single, adult male, stranger. If she thought that was a good idea, I would not be able to trust her judgment on the matter. They can’t trust you when you make such a glaringly, unwise suggestion. If I couldn’t make my daughter understand why, no matter what she felt, that was not an acceptable thing to do, I would have to pull the parent card and say “No because I say so.”
I’d be a lousy-ass parent if I sent my 17-year-old daughter to stay with a stranger she meet online. Fuck. Such a parent should be jailed for neglect and endangerment in my opinion.
I am twenty-six myself, and if I guy I meet online, even had an extended online relationship asked me to travel across the country to meet him and stay with him, I would say “No. Not worth the risk. You can come here, and stay in a hotel. I’ll help pay, but that’s the deal. I’m a single woman living alone, I do not compromise my safety for anyone, and if you love and respect me, you’ll understand why this needs to be done this way.”
I can respect your point of view and your feelings – it’s possible your parents do as well – but they still feel they must pull the parent card on you, because the choice to travel, alone, across the country as a young woman to meet a man you’ve only interacted with online, is not a sane choice. Not ever. Not even if you are absolutely, 100% right about how wonderful he is.
You would have been far better off suggesting they contribute too or buy him a ticket, and invite him to be a guest in your family home. That would be have been a much more sensible approach.
Maybe it's not too late to discuss him coming to you... That would certainly be a suggestion deserving of more trust and respect from your parents.
]
More Questions: |