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(Advice from Adults only please) Need help on Fizziling Sex Life
I am 23 and my boyfriend is 24, we have been together a year and 4 months, we really love each other and have a great relationship. Were both really close and comfortable with each other and tell each other everything. He is like my best friend and my lover. But here within the last few months our sex life has been diminishing. We used to do it probably 3 times a day or once a day at least, Now we hardly ever have sex. We have sex like once a week. He has a hard job and works 40+ hours so he always says he is too tired, or is feeling sick all the time and has lack of energy. I am always the one that instigates it and tries everything I can to spice it up and get him motivated and "in the mood" But he always stops me when I try, and even when I go down on him which usually guys wont turn down, he will even stop that! It's getting to the point where it is insulting and I start thinking if something is wrong with me. I don't think that sex is everything, but It definitely plays a role in a healthy relationship and I am not satisfied at all and I just do not feel happy. I don't feel like he wants me at all. It makes me doubt myself and his faithfulness. I start thinking if he doesn't want to do it at all with me maybe it is because he has found someone else, perhaps someone at work where he spends most of his time. One morning I was feeling frisky and started rubbing on him down there and he immediately stopped me and closed his legs together like a girl would. I asked him what his problem is, I know he isn't much for morning sex because he usually wakes up feeling really tired and unmotivated, but I was really getting my feelings hurt. It made me feel bad that my own boyfriend is rejecting me. I had a conversation about it with him and started crying because I got pretty emotional, he really hurt my feelings. He told me that it wasn't me that he just does not feel in the mood for sex anymore and that it doesn't mean that he thinks im not sexy anymore, it is just because he is tired and just does not feel like it. He said that he doesn't have energy anymore and never feels like he wants to do it. He even said that he dreads doing it! That comment hurt my feelings pretty bad. I don't understand what is going on, I mean he is only 24 and it's almost like he is going through some early stages of men's menopause! He said he would try to have sex with me and he did try and we had sex, but it just didn't feel all that great, because we werent really connected emotionally. I felt like he was just caving in to get me off his back, I didn't feel like he actually wanted to have sex with me! I mean, I don't get what he expects me to do, because I am not happy or satisfied and I cant make him want to do something he doesn't want to do, but I have needs! I mean what am I sopose to do? Get a sex machine or something? I cant just rely on my vibrator all the time! I would never ever cheat on him, I would feel so guilty and would not be able to go on knowing about what I did, it would just eat away at my conscious. I`seriously would not be able to even go through with cheating, I would probably break down and start crying and say I can't do this, But I am just saying, If I did cheat on him, he couldn't really blame me really, because he doesn't want to have sex with me! Most girls these days would cheat on their boyfriends if they did not satisfy them, because people cheat when they are unhappy! I am unhappy but I would never do that, but he is a great boyfriend emotionally! But he lacks being a great boyfriend physically! Please help give me some pointers and some tips! I don't know what else to do, I really love him but I am just so unhappy right now with our sex life.
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There are a number of valid reasons you bf could be reluctant to have sex.
You say he works hard, 40+ hours a week but not what he does for a living. Could he be under a lot of stress at work. While sex is often thought of as a great stress reliever. Stress is probably the number one libido killer there is. If it is stress at work try and find out what it is and see what you can do to help him relieve that stress. Talking it out at home may be a big help ans he may be reluctant to burden you. Pushing him for sex at this may only be adding to his stress level further killing his libido.
It is also possible that he has a low testosterone level and from what you've written he may be suffering from depression or both. You need to get your bf to his doctor and have him screened for depression as well as having his testosterone level checked.
Stress is the major cause of clinical depression. Clinical depression is a medical problem, unlike bipolar disorder, aka manic depression, in that the body is no longer secreting or is not secreting enough of one or two chemical's to the brain that controls moods. This is usually easily corrected with medication and a little talk therapy.
My advice: Get your bf to a doctor.
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I have recently come across the same situation. I love my boyfriend and our sex life has suddenly come to a hault between my stressful life and his own because he worries so much and hasn't been in the mood. We used to have sex 5 times a week but lately I have been lucky to get one or two a week.
Sex isn't that important when I look at what is going on in our life right now. I just moved back to my mum's, he's got to live with his seperated wife who is a total nutcase and is trying to prevent his parents from finding out certain things.
I think to start off with you need to work on that emotional connection and really make the effort. Most men I have been with love it if they see a change in underwear or dress sense like a favourite colour and go from there or as the saying goes 'be gentle with him'.
It might take time and I agree that forced sex is a bit of a pain unless you are into the whole 'just sex' thing. My boyfriend is 34 so I don't expect miracles anyway and understand the need for him to relax and he often says that I should have met him in his prime.
I hope some of this helps and good luck.
(I am 20/f)
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Honey, when me and my boyfriend first had sex we did it practically three to 4 times a week. we are both 20. We both live with our parents for now. Lately reason for the past month and half we only have sex once a week, simply cause his mom is around or we both at school or hanging out together but with other in the room. But trust me we get our freak on with other ways. He always kisses and sucks my neck and nipple (hella turns me on) while I massage his thing. when his mom in another room, while his mom is one his dad watches tv we turn up movie while he was turn on from earlier or if we both start touching each other we have sex then. My advice is maybe you guys dont actually have the actual sex cause of time, but once or twice a week now satisfy us now because we have pleasure time every now and then. My advice is why don't you guys make out, do something maybe once a week or every other day when you have chance that you guys want each other. Life is busy, there's always time for love making. The long 1 hour love making once a week is worth it :) and maybe one or two quickies are good too. just keep in mind that there is time for sex and relationship is more than that. Most time we cuddle
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