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confused about what to do
19/f
I am so confused on what to think or what to do. I recently got out of a 13 month relationship. Him and I have had a lot of fights in the past and this time it was bad. he broke up with me, then regretted it and wanted to take me back, but i said no because i was just fed up with all of the drama and fights. Then a few weeks later I meet this other guy named Kent. well kent and I had a great time together. we both go to the same college so we usually just hung out in each other dorms and watched movies. Then we started liking each other more than friends and decided to have a thing. we wanted to make it official but i didn't want people to think i was moving on so fast or i was just using him as a rebound (which is not true at all). so we kept it a thing for about a week and everything was going great. until he started having doubts and now he's telling me he wants to just stay friends for a while. when I asked him why, this is what he said- I have a lot of issues going on right now (depression, his friend died 2 years ago, and some other stuff he hasn't told me) and I really dont want you to see my bad side. I need to get things straight with myself first and clear my issues before we start anything because I dont want you to see my bad side. And we had a huge talk about this and I told him that all relationships have to deal with bad sides. you can't prevent that. and no matter what I say to him right now, he won't listen to me. I told him I will always be there for him. For some reason he has this idea that when I find out his issues that I will hate him.. I told him thats not true because I dont hate people, especially people like him. He's just stuck with this idea that he's not good for me and that i'll eventually hate him and leave him..
I'm just so confused on what to do.. I really really really like him.. but I dont understand why he's pushing me away and telling me that i'm going to hate him and he has issues. What should I do? I've tried talking to him multiple times but he just tells me he has to go and doesn't want to talk about it and needs space. So i've tried giving him space but i'm going crazy. What is your advice on this?
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I'm going to tellyou the truth.
You need to give this guy his space and maybe think about seeing someone else. if a guy really likes you, he'll be with you and make every effort to be there for you. This guy seems to be coming up with excuses and you shouldn't wait around for him. I know you may like him but he sounds like he has a lot of baggage and you don't need that right now. Leave him be and move on!
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Wow, that has to be a huge disappointment. You kinda had the rug pulled out from under you. You also feel shutout of his life because he won't tell you his problem. Guys, though, are raised to kinda just bull through things without complaining. Also, men tend to be dominance oriented and thus hate showing weakness or vulnerability.
I had one phase of my life where I was, at the same time, having a bad time at work, with my girlfriend as well as my family and I had just started back to college and was feeling kinda overwhelmed. So I decided to jettison my girlfriend, which turned out to be an ace move and soon after I changed jobs, which ultimately proved to be an excellent move. The family issue eventually worked itself out.
So maybe he feels that by starting a relationship he was biting off just a little more than he could chew at the moment even though he does want you.
The taking two years to deal with the death of a friend is kinda weird to me. I have to wonder if maybe he's bi and the "friend" is a former gay lover? I don't know, obviously. All I can do is guess from what you wrote.
Any signs of OCD issues or anything like that?
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By the sounds of things he is, for whatever reason, not ready to start something with you right now. It may be that he has all this stuff going on and he thinks you will hate him if you find out his issues.... OR, he has some other misgiving about dating you but he doesn't know how to tell you so has made up this other story to spare your feelings.
If he has already decided that he doesn't want to date you then harassing him about it is not going to change his mind. However if he does really just want his space, give it to him - but let him know you are always there if and when he wants to talk i.e. be there for him as a friend and don't push him on anything more than that. He will probably come to you when he is ready. It's tough but you just have to wait it out.
If, in a few months' time, he still hasn't come around, you should make it clear that you are still interested, but you will not wait forever.
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