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Should I dump my friend? Or is it me?
Truth to be told, I realize that I don’t have much true friends. I mean, friends I have plenty. But true friends, you know the ones who supports you, and are brave enough to tell you that what you are doing is wrong, and that you better change, I only have 1. Is that sad?
I recently found out that my high school friends (I have known them for more than 15 years) have a totally different concept of what friends are! Is it normal to “ditch” your friends who you have known for a very long time?
For myself, here are my thoughts about a true friend:
1. If I regard you as my friend, you will always be my friend. You don’t have to call me every day to “show” that you are my friend and vice versa. HOWEVER, my high school friends view it differently. They think that I have to call them every week (or something like that) to maintain the relationship. I don’t have much time for this, and I think it’s very needy.
2. I usually call my friends for absolutely nothing, just for some idle chit-chat or catching up session. Usually, I do have a friend (let’s call her A) whom we email each other during office hours to complain or make some hilarious comments about things that happen instantly that we absolutely have to tell each other. We do not demand each other that we have to meet up every week because we understand that we are both busy! AND if we have to deal with our family issues or work issues, we will just cancel the meet-ups, because we usually prefer to meet up with both of us are do not have any issues that we have to deal with urgently. We meet up to have fun and de-stress. And we understand that if we meet up when we have work issues or family issues, the meet up will usually end badly for the person (e.g. we must go back home to work). It is also about being responsible for our family and work. We are very responsible people. My high school friends view it differently. They feel that if we arrange to meet up, and there are sudden work / family issues, I should not cancel it because it is not respectful to the other person. I think perhaps, they are in denial that family issues or work issues have to be dealt with, and hence are always on higher priority than meet-ups-for-fun. I think they have issues about responsibility for their lives.
3. We all have to handle our lives, and friends are there for us to have fun with. When we are in trouble, we should first try to handle the problem ourselves before asking for help from friends because they probably have their own stuff to handle as well. I think it’s like a respect for each other’s time and energy. My friend A and I will only ask for advice when we feel that we need a different perspective and we are always opened to listen to each other's view. And usually by that time, we have probably exhausted all possible solutions that we have thought of ourselves. We see each other as a mirror and we ask very intrusive questions (e.g. why do you feel this way? It seems that what you feel and what you say are not really in alignment. Why is that so?). However, my high school friends prefer a listening ear (which I don’t have the time for. Usually I can only meet up for a maximum of 3 hours, and once every 2 months if I am not that busy). And usually, it is easily solved. They just want someone to listen to them! And when I give them advice to solve their problems, they think I am being arrogant. I think it is a waste of time! I don’t have time to listen to these problems that are easily solved! And if it is easily solved, why not just solved it and move on!
4. I will usually share lessons that I have learnt from my bad experiences only if I feel that there is something that the other person can learn from. Other than that, I don’t enjoy talking about the bad experience as I do not want to be in that space again. My high school friends think that the more details you know about them, the “closer” you are to them. I think that if they wanna share bad experiences just to get sympathy or let their friends know how superior they are just cos they managed to get over their bad experiences, they have self-esteem issues and need adoration.
5. I think true friends are the ones who have the courage to tell you when you are in some blind spot, and they should not be asked to sacrifice themselves just to prove that they are your true friends (because it will mean 1 less friend to play with). But my high school friends think that a true friend would not hesitate to sacrifice themselves, their time, their energy and their money just to help you. I think that is very selfish of them because the only ones who benefit from these type of sacrificial friends are their friends. Also, they do not have the courage to tell you the truth when they sense that what you say and what you feel are not in alignment.
What do you think? I am seriously thinking of dumping my high school friends. I must have been in some sort of shitty space when I was in high school to attract these type of people in my life! I think they are like vampires!
On the other hand, sometimes, I wonder if I am being bitchy about this.
Yet at the same time, I think that my definition of friendship sets each other free, and there is mutal respect for each other. And I think it is a healthy relationship. I think their definition is very vampir-ish like (if there is such a word).
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
The truth is sometimes friends just grow apart, We start having different views on things and we all want different things in our lives. I, Just lost my friend of 14 years about 6 months ago simply due us growing apart and not really seeing eye to eye on anything like we used too. Sometimes it is best to not have your standards and expectations set too high, I personally am also the type that if someone wants to stick around and be my friend then at least call once a week. That is common courtesy Not calling someone because you don't have time is a little excessive and if that really is the case then perhaps you just don't have time for anyone. Your friends shouldn't be expecting you to call everyday but you should can't really blame them for wanting to hear from you once in awhile. If you feel you all need to reevaluate then you could sit down and express your feelings but don't come across as you are picking out their flaws nobody likes to feel attacked. Just calmly express how you feel and what you would like to work on.
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