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Dependency :[
Okay so lately me and my ex boyfriend(we are basically back together but I keep telling him no because my family or friends arent ready to accept him back into my life) have been growing kinda distant. Its not my doing and Ive been getting really emotional over it all. He just moved a few states away but weve done long distance for more than a year. Its like the more I try the less he does. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me for a really long time but im just not feeling the love really. He says its all in my head and nothing is wrong but I just dont know. For example, last night I tried talkiing to him about it and telling him that I was upset and asked if we should see other people. He was like do whatever you want. And I got upset and was like wow do you even care if I leave? And he said that he does and he still loves me but hes tired of me asking the same question over and over. But he doesnt call very much and barely texts me back. I know hes always been bad with the phone but we are back to long distance so he should be dying to talk to me like before. What Im scared of is pushing him away by being too clingy but I dont want him to forget about me either. If anyone knows a way that I could win over his heart again or feel better about this because maybe it really is in my head. I mean it is the first few days of him living away from home but when I first moved away last year I loved talking to him and telling him about my adventures.
Another problem is that I feel completely dependent on him. I really want to fix it. It might be the main reason we are fighting...because I keep wanting more and more. I just really want to be loved and feel like I still make him happy. Hes so focused on boxing and stuff that he seems to always be too tired for me. I know for a fact he isnt cheating on me because hes not the type at all. I really want to feel okay and not so freaking pathetic without him. Please someone help me and give me some good advice about all of this. I dont want to lose him but I dont want to keep being upset.
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Well,first of all, I don't know what he did that created the distance in your relationship or has you so emotional. Nevertheless, there is hope for you.
The first thing you have to do is start creating a life for yourself that includes fun, friends and anything that can uplift you. That includes your appearance, mind etc.
You can start working out, joining a group etc.
Hang out with friends and actually enjoy everything that you are doing.
The next thing you must do is stop worrying so much about the relationship with him. Stop putting all the weight on him to love you. When a man loves you he does what he can to make you happy. Let go of the pressure and lighten up a bit. It is comming off to him as desperate and needy. No woman wants to be seen that way to any man. It's a sure sign that you are insecure and that translates to a man that he doesn't have something special or sought after.
Enjoy your life and you also don't need his permission to date. Go out on dates and have fun. I am not saying to go out and have sex, but go out and enjoy the company of others. Deep down inside you would like for him to tell you not date other guys and step up and show more interest, but that's not going to happen if you don't actually do it.
Your life should not revolve around him and that is what is turning him off.
I will let you in on a little secret about men. They always want to feel like they are trying to get you. They love a challenge and if he has a needy, desperate woman, he will move onto the next woman who is more elusive and mysterious.
One tip for you is to never tell him about your dates, never try to brag about your new life. Do it because you enjoy doing it and your new, carefree and confident aura will start to make him interested and he will wonder if he is making a big mistake by loosing you.
Make this man work for you honey!!!
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Ok so clearly you are feeling very insecure in this relationship. People being clingy can obviously be annoying BUT your BF seems like he could care less about helping you resolve any of your issues regarding your relationship. In my honest opinion if he really wanted to be with you he would do anything and everything within his power to ease your fears. All he has to do is call you and reply to your texts and he can't even do that? It sounds like you're always begging him to reassure you that everything is ok and he may TELL you that it is but he is doing nothing to prove it. Stability and to know that someone truly wants to be with you are not things you should constantly have question. But since you are, he should be going above and beyond to show you he loves you just as much as you love him. He sounds like a jerk and it kind of sounds like your willingly being his doormat. Considering that you said your family and friends aren't ready to except him back in their lives again sounds like they think he treats you like crap..? Just a guess. Being insecure is extremely unattractive and men especially don't like their women insecure. This might sound harsh but if you haven't already I feel like you may become that girl that no matter what he does to you or how badly he treats you, you still stick around. Girls like that usually become a joke amongst him and his buddies.
I know its hard but you need to stop! Stop calling, stop texting, stop everything. He'll start to wonder what you're up to. If you want him to miss you and make him realize what he has you need to give him the space to do so. Keep yourself busy to try to keep your mind off of him. If he really cares about you he'll reach out to you and if he doesn't then there's your answer. You do not need to beg for a man to give you the attention you deserve. The longer this goes on the more you're self esteem is going to dwindle away. I'm sorry about the novel I wrote you but I just really feel for you. You deserve better. Let me know how it goes.
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It's really difficult for me to know if he does love you and is just getting frustrated at you always asking, or if he is growing distant. But I think it's probably the first reason.
I know how it feels to be dependent on someone, and it's hard to not be when you love them so much. The problem with being dependent on someone else is that you don't understand when that person is hurting you, and you run back to them every time you break up.
Honestly, he sounds like a nice guy. But think about why you two broke up before and if those problems have resolved. These might be what's causing friction.
Okay so with the dependence part. The only way I learnt to be independent and not so needy was by being in terrible relationships. But the good thing about my terrible relationships is I can tell you what I discovered without you having to go through the same thing!
I realised that what's most important is me. You have to always remember that. You come first in your life. That doesn't mean that everything is about you, or that he should be perfect to you, it means that your primary focus should be your education/work/career. What I mean is that you should enjoy your life and work hard to get wherever you want to be. You should hang out with friends and spend time with family. Yes he's important, but there are a lot of other amazing things in your life that you should focus on too.
To stop the clingy-ness, just put things into perspective. He's not perfect, and no one is. You shouldn't expect him to be. In fact, he's a boy, and boys never live up to girls' expectations. You should be less hard on him. He's not intentionally avoiding you or trying to upset you, he's probably just trying to deal with a new place and a long distance girlfriend, both of which are difficult. This is what makes me less clingy with boyfriends, understanding that they are human and they aren't perfect. They make mistakes, say the wrong thing and they will never do or say what I hope they'll do or say. But the more understanding I am with them, and just the more relaxed around them I am, the more they want to be around me.
Also, make sure that you can financially and emotionally support yourself on your own. It doesn't matter if you're 15 or 25, having a job and being a strong, confident woman are important. I'm 19, and my last boyfriend made me realise how much I love being financially independent. I like working, I like earning my own money, I like putting that effort in and getting something back for it. I like paying for myself and paying my own bills. Just being able to take care of myself makes me feel more independent and a lot less dependent on others. I don't have a huge group of friends, but I regularly see my closest friends. Some only once a month, and others once a week, but having other friends gives me emotional stability. I'm not relying on my boyfriend constantly for his love and support, because I have others as well which makes me less dependent on him. And with or without friends or boyfriends, I still feel smart, special and beautiful with how I am. You should remind yourself that you're all of these things with or without your boyfriend every day.
The reason why he's probably being more distant is because of how you're speaking to him. Why would he want to talk to you when all you do is question whether he loves you or not? Think about it in reverse. Would you want to talk to him if he kept asking you if you loved him? Even though they're boys, it hurts them to think you don't trust them and believe them. Especially when they really care about you. Just back up a bit and try to be more positive. Don't be so worried about if he loves you or not, just enjoy talking to him whenever you get the chance.
If you really don't think this guy likes you, then maybe you should consider letting him go. If you decide this though, it has to be definite. You CANNOT go back to him. Because you're really dependent on him, this can be really difficult to do, so you have to have a lot of will power to stop yourself from going back to him.
Long distance relationships can work, but it takes effort. Even if you don't speak to each other every day, there needs to be a lot of trust, which is lacking here. You don't trust him, and that's putting pressure on the relationship. It's hard to accept that he loves you, but just give it a shot.
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Here is what you said: " I dont want to lose him but I dont want to keep being upset. "
You barley have him, This guy pretty much told you he don't care if you stay or leave. Reality is, Long distant relationships are hard as hell to maintain and take 5X more commitment to make it work and many times it just simply never works out. You said it yourself, Your not even sure if you love him. Distance sometimes will cause love to fade and slowly we begin to move on even without realizing it. This guy lives a few states away, Your parents disapprove of him and you aren't sure if you still love him. This right here says you should move on, As long as you cling to the little you have the more you will prevent yourself from meeting other people. Someone once told me long ago "The more you live in misery, The longer you prolong your own pain" You are miserable and will likely be until you move on. The sooner you begin to realize this guy is a few states away and the spark died long ago the sooner you can start to take the steps towards moving on.
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