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It's been almost a year. Why is he still getting in the way?
Hey, I'm 23/f. Current guy (Jeff) is also 23.
So, way long story short, I left an abusive man with my life, most of my health, and my cat, back in October. I've gotten all sorts of help, including a therapist, a psychiatrist, and an incredible support system that includes my immediate family, all of my close friends, and my work family. I've even blogged about what happened and have started trying to use my experience to help other people. Basically, everything positive. (Except working out - I need to get back to that.)
Now I've reconnected with an old friend from high school (Jeff), and he's kind of an incredible guy. We've been seeing each other - no titles (no pressure) for awhile, and have known each other for years. We got a little carried away last night and got into some "heavy petting," you might say. At some point, and I don't remember what point precisely, I wound up in tears.
He stopped immediately and started apologizing over and over again, and I kept saying "it's okay, it's not you, you didn't do anything wrong," and I meant it.
This is my first time getting physically intimate with another man since leaving the abusive one back in October. I know it's normal to be a little apprehensive, but - really? This long?
Jeff has been really understanding. I even avoided him for a good four months after the first couple times we saw each other, and he just kept messaging me - eventually I started messaging back again, and I'm so glad I did. I really like him...I'm just terrified I'm going to push him away, or cause him to run away, with all this baggage. What guy wants to deal with a girl who cries every time they try to get intimate?
I'm not this weak, vulnerable person, and I'm disgusted with myself right now.
More than anything, I'm angry that I feel like my ex is still ruining my life, even while he's not in it.
But, I'm not sure I can blame it on him. I'm scared, and that's the reality of it.
A friend told me it's normal for my body to remember that intimacy = my ex, but how do I disassociate the two? Just keep going with tears rolling down my cheeks? That doesn't sound right. Do I stop and succumb to the fear? That doesn't sound right either.
Does anyone have any idea what to do in a situation like this? Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Thanks.
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whether or not you can still file charges will depend on the laws in your state. Depending on the type of abuse you suffered will depend on the type of charges you can file. If your ex forced you to have sex against your will, this would include the type of sex, then this is a rape charge and most states have a five year statue of limitation. If he used you for a punching bag this is domestic violence and the statue of limitations vary from state to state. If it has been less than a year I would say you still have time to file charges for this type of abuse. The best thing to do is talk to the police or sheriff's department in your town and follow their advice.
No don't give into the fear. The fear is still natural at this point in your, will call it recovery for now. You need to return to your therapist if you are not still seeing one as you still have unresolved issues; intimacy being one of them. Again I believe this is within the norm for what you have been through.
Talk with your therapist about his. Ask your therapist if Jeff can join you in some of your sessions. If yes ask Jeff to join you. If he is the man I believe him to be he will join you in therapy. By doing so he can learn how to help you become intimate again.
You have not said what your ex did to you. What type of abuse he perpetrated on you. If it was physical in any way and you have hospital or doctors reports to back it up you might consider filing charges against him. The filing of charges may bring the closure to that portion of your life that you need
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You need to take this to your therapist. You need some reassurance. It hasn't even been a year yet. YOu may feel that is long enough, but really, it isn't that long at all. I'm sure you've done a lot of work with your therapist about what got you to that terrible low point in the first place. It most certainly did not happen overnight. Recovery will not happen overnight either. Give yourself permission to feel a little confused over it all and try to remind yourself that you are in a process. Definitely go see your therapist, even if its just for an extra one or two sessions. You need a bit of extra help to navigate through this. One day it will all seem normal but for now, you are healing. The scars are gonna itch for a while. That's just the way it goes. Good luck.
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You are being too hard on yourself, It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Abusive relationship leave behind emotional scars and sometimes it can take a long time to overcome bad memories. Everyone is different. For some women it may take years, months, weeks etc. Getting help is a great thing but we also have to overcome the emotional part of it and that can take time. It isn't wrong for you to cry again it's normal. Abusive relationships can be quiet traumatizing and sometimes memories can be our worst enemy. If you need to slow things down with Jeff then do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Just remember new beginnings are possible and when you are ready you will eventually heal.
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