|
Relationship with my mom.. kind of long
My mom and I have a really good relationship, but some things need work. I'm 20/f in college and I feel like my mom thinks I'm 16 sometimes. I'm a very petite young woman. I'm 5 ft. tall, if that. And, as strange as it seems, I think it throws her off sometimes. My mom is my best friend and I lover her so much. That's why I feel like I need her approval for everything. Not her "permission," per say. But, it's nice to have her blessing. I don't want to disappoint her not because I'm scared of her but because I want to make her happy. The problem is, that I'm not happy. We don't always want the same things and even if I do something that I think makes me happy, if she isn't, then I'm not. I think that in a way, it's kind of unhealthy.
Like, the other day I was going to go get eyelash extensions. The girl who was getting done before me was 22, goes to the same university that I go to (but I don't know her), and she was there by herself. I was there with my mom. I felt like such a little kid. While we were there, I was ordering hair extensions and I wanted them kind of brown, because my hair is light brown. And my mom was having a fit telling the stylist that she had to order them blonde instead. My mom hated it when I dyed my hair dark brown. But, I was SUPER happy! But, I changed it to please her. I HATE HATE HATE having hair extensions. Especially, as many as I have on. It looks like a tree on my head. And they don't stay straight. It's disgusting. But, if I took it off, I'd never hear the end of it. She'll start telling me how I'm just a plain jane without them and how I look terrible. She'll scream. She won't talk to me for like a week. She doesn't let me wash my own hair because SHE has to do it since their extensions and their fragile. I've had extensions on for two years and she told me it was only temporary until my hair grew. I'm so tired of it. She also made me get a fake tan membership and drives me to the tanning salon twice a week.
I'm so tired of this because it's not like I do this for myself. I know it sounds weird but she MAKES me. I know she can't really MAKE me, but it feels like she does. My mom is a really good person, but it seems like when it comes to me, she's a bit of a bully. She's not wearing the extensions and doesn't know how it feels. It seems like she's only that way when it comes to my appearance. She doesn't care about how I do in school, the awards I achieve, the clubs I'm in, the service I do. She really doesn't. She's only concerned about my appearance. And when I go out, she like wants to drive me there and I feel like a baby.
I hate this feeling. I never imagined that at 20, I'd be living in my house. But, the economy is so bad. I live with my mom and my grandparents and my grandmother is worst than my mom when it comes to me going somewhere. I know I should have left for college. But, I didn't and I had my reasons. Even if I had a job right now, I couldn't use that money to move out. Let me just point out here that I don't really have a room for someone my age. I have a desk from 4th grade in my room. I can never study here. No one respects when I have to study. They make noise, they just don't care. I have very few options as to what I can do, here, and here they are. Here are my questions:
1) What can I do to get my mom to take me more seriously? I think she thinks I'm a kid or wants to keep me that way. Seriously, what can I do? I have straight A's, I'm involved in school, I've never gotten into any serious trouble. What else is left to do?
2) If I take a job now, I have to cut back on classes, to graduate on time. If I take more classes, I can graduate early, which means I can leave for grad school. What should I do?
I feel so out of control. I have had a history of eating disorders and I feel like I'm going back to that. All I can think about is losing weight and how that might help. I know it sounds silly, but it's the only thing I can think of right now that makes me feel better. Can someone please offer me any advice?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
LOOK NO OFFENSE BUT YOUR MOM IS A VERY CONTROLLING LADY and I honstly dont think she realizes it...I know you probably have heard this a million times (I know I have lol) but your Mom just wants the very best for you:) you seem very stressed and i really WANT to help you.so number one just say look mom don't take this the wrong way but I am 20 years old now right?right. and i am grown up now right?right so I would apperciate if u would treat me a little bit older by letting me do a little bit of things on my own please? no hard feelings I am sorry if i offened you mom i didn't mean too.(warring: she probably will be a little bit mad or upset but thats normal she will get over it) number two. take more classes and go to grad school.and i had the very same problem just EXCERSIZE/WORKOUT ITS A GOOD HEALTHY WAY TO LOSE/STAY HEALTHY ALWAYS.(warring do not over due it that could seriously injur you,kill you,or put you in critcal condition.:|) but anyway i hoped i helped i gave you the best advic I COULD THINK OF
]
Hey there :)
Okay let me start by saying after reading this I got the vibe that you are an incredibly selfless person always trying to please your mom thats a great quality but you HAVE to start looking after YOU making YOU happy I know you say if she isn't then you aren't but you can't continue to live your life that way always trying to please other people! there is only so much you can do.
My own mom had to sit me down and tell me that I couldn't keep doing that before. I was quite like you not where my mom is concerned but everyone really. I would do anything to keep my sisters friends everyone happy always offering to do things for people and trying to prevent fights with my sisters so my mom wouldn't feel bad. She sat me down and told me I can't bear the emotions of other people. It doesn't mean that I can't care but I have to look after myself get tough not be a push over. People would respect me more in life too. So that's exactly what I did. I think that's what you need to do with your mom. Get tough. Say everything you have just now. Sit her down and say mom..this has GOT to stop I love you so much but I feel suffocated sometimes why can't I have my hair my way im 20 not 16. let her know you understand she only has your best interests at heart but you want to feel independent and make these choices for yourself. Tell her if she doesn't stop she is going to drive you away and you don't want that. Make sure you talk to her in a way that doesn't make her feel like you are ungrateful but that you are longing to be your own person. We all love our moms approval but for stuff like our friends boyfriend.. wedding dress.. your moms opinion is the one you will always value most in life but not for every aspect of it!
the fact that it is centered around your appearance is particularly worrying. that you are feeling so out of control you are contemplating extreme weight loss just to gain control You need to tell her this! you need to make her see your mental and physical health is suffering.
Dieting and eating disorders will only worsen your problems..you think you are in control but you're not. You won't be able to stop until you become so thin you are on the verge of death. Harsh but true. In fact its the complete opposite you will spiral OUT of control. But you already know that.. in the long run you know that it won't feel better. Don't do it out of spite to get back at your mom either. Think about it your slowly killing yourself by doing that. depriving your vital organs of energy nutrition.. your periods stop putting you at risk of never being able to have children in the future your body becomes so week your teeth rot from making yourself sick your body starts growing excess hair to keep warm. Is That worth the feeling of false control?
Please I urge you not to fall back into the trap of eating disorders.
To get your mom to take you seriously get tough. Tell her everything your feeling if she doesn't like it well tough its your LIFE. Take control of YOUR life not your eating habbits.
I would advise you to concentrate on graduating on time it will benefit you more in the long run trust me taking a job will just prolong the process. Maybe you could study in a friends or the library?again speak to your mom about people not taking your studies or anything seriously. Tell her how you feel she only cares about your appearance. She needs to be told she needs to see.
Maybe there is someone else who could help you talk to her like an aunt or a friend? although she might feel ganged up on. Have a talk to her at first if she doesn't see maybe ask someone else to help and intervene to make her see what she is doing to you.
If that fails you are going to have to just get tough and tell her to quit it. Even if it has temporary repercussions she has to see eventually I promise if she truly loves you which she does she will you your independence and freedom once you voice your feelings.
I wish you the best of luck remember your life no one else :)
think for yourself it doesn't hurt.
Any more questions please feel free to inbox me i'm here any time
much <3
Jess
]
More Questions: |