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Its true that college is a new chapter,something i might need,but in my past i tried reaching out only to end up with more scars.so this time i'm just gonna stay put and let life take its course,if there is someone out there that can make my emptiness go away,someone who hears me well then who's to say university won't bring me closer to that person,but i choose to be realistic,life isn't a story with twists and turns and happy endings,it's one big test filled with trials and tribulations,its a series of unavoidable events to direct you to your destiny and as fate would have it,the sun can't shed it's light on everyone's,i don't know how many times i have to make myself bleed to realise this truth.do you have any idea what it feels like to go by everyday seeing people smile and see the life in their eyes in doing so,their freedom?,i just want one day like that,to be that alive.what does that feel like?,. .i am from south africa,(i'm white,just for the record).again,thank you for your interest,i'm a very strange and confusing person so thanks for sticking with me for this long
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Hi there I got it I just wasn't online :)
South Africa wow I presumed you were from the US like many on here. Don't thank me I like to help in whatever way I can
I find your way of thinking and looking at life fascinating.
I'm Lucky so far in my life I have been a very lucky person. I have great parents..and two sisters that I love very much. I agree with you on the unavoidable events but they are not all bad.
But I agree not everyone is fortunate enough to find happiness and life in life..if that makes sense.
I'm not going to lie there are days when I love life and I laugh almost everyday thanks to my amazing group of friends who I only found this year in school. But my life isn't picture perfect. No ones ever is. It look me a long time to find true friends for some its longer some it happens straight away. I was a push over with controlling people for a long time far too long because I was simply too nice. Always trying to keep these people happy even if they hurt me. It took me a while to see that I had to stand up for myself.
I was lucky enough to meet and fall in love with my first boyfriend last year. But I have experienced painful losses in my life death loneliness insignificance frustration anger and pain.
I have felt the way do the only difference is mine has been temporary. I get anger over insignificant things like money for instance. Times are really hard for everyone at the moment and there is a lot of things I have to sacrifice in my life and it used to make me resentful towards other people who had it so easy,but then i remembered lifes path is different for everyone. I had to accept mine in life and be thankful for what I did have.. clothes on my back a great family a roof over my head food to eat friends and the opportunity to get a good education. Some people have nothing. To feel alive to me and to smile is just being thankful for those things there are some days I feel like laughing non stop in thanks for that. But i'm not naiive. I know any of that could change any day like you say trials and tribulations;.. maybe one day I could be unlucky enough to be involved in a tragic accident? loose my ability to walk like so many.. maybe In the future I will be among many women who cannot have children.. maybe my boyfriend will break up with me? what happens if I get no job if I don't pass my exams? loose friends family?
I don't allow myself to think about these types of things the cruel events and aspects in life that could bring me down. I take each day as it comes.
You say you see life in peoples eyes thats because they are hiding their pain also. Every single person in this life has pain they just do their best to focus on the good and to smile and laugh. Everyone has a story everyone.
You say in coillege your not going to reach out.. but then how are things going to try? you have to keep trying to reach out or you will just stay this way..sure you might get burned again and again but isn't it worth knowing you didn't give up? that way you will know well I guess Im definitely not meant to find that someone to make the emptiness go away.. but if you don't keep trying your letting them pass you by? that's how I see it.
being realistic is great but being pessimistic isn't no matter how bad things get. Thats the difference in those that feel alive and those that don't in my opinion. Your not confusing you just have a distinct way of viewing life and the world everyone is different. :)
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