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Is it possible to be sexually abused, yet have no memory of it?
I am in my 20s and have always had problems with anxiety, depression,
low self-esteem and eating disorders. I feel like I experienced sexual
abuse at such an early age that I have no memory of it. Sometimes I wonder
though if I'm just trying to find one specific reason for all of my issues
and sexual abuse seems to make sense but maybe I'm just crazy.
Here is a list of factors about myself that are concerning to me...
-bed-wetting until about 10 years old
-I was an only child and was very distant and quiet
-earliest memories of masturbating to sexual fantasies around 3 or 4
-I would frequently get caught masturbating by family members as a child
and was subsequently scolded and/or whipped
-I have memories of acting out graphic sexual fantasies with a friend around age 7
-I have a memory of being caught masturbating during nap-time at preschool at age 4
-I have memories of sexual fantasies played out by familiar cartoon characters
-compulsive binge-eating began in early childhood around age 4
-hair-pulling/trichotilomania began around age 7
-frequent vaginal yeast infections in early childhood
-earliest memories of suicidal ideation around age 7
-When I first started have sex at age 15 I experienced a great deal of vaginal pain
which continued for years until I became more comfortable with sex and my long-term
boyfriend which leads me to believe it was probably psychogenic
Even if I was sexually abused but don't remember it, should I even bother trying to remember or delve into this further? Would this make everything worse or be the key to unlocking the solution to my problems and allow me to move forward? And if it happened and I never do remember, am I doomed to suffer PTSD-like symptoms forever or can you treat those symptoms without addressing the possible root cause?
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Not only is it possible that you were either abused or that you witnessed something very traumatic to you at any early age. Other things happened to you that could be causing some of the problems, such as PTSD and the other things you have written about.
Early childhood memories aren't really forgotten as many of us think. They are just deeply recessed and can come back on us in many way.
You would do well to find a psychologist that you are comfortable with, this may take going through one or more to fine one you are comfortable with. When you do; you need to be open and honest in working with him or her to get at the cause of whatever is bothering you.
This type of therapy can be troubling at first as you will need to dredge up some uncomfortable thoughts. In the end it will be worth it for these are the thoughts that are the root cause of your problem and once properly dealt with you will have a better life.
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I think it is worth looking into. I lost my virginity by being raped and was raped twice after that and was in an abusive relationship as well my ways of dealing was crazy sex with my husband doesnt like rough sex and i would get terrible night mares and night sweats. Id wake up screaming and crying and I still do. I have post dramtic stress. after I have a child (ive had 2) it gets so much worse because I get really bad post partum depression once i take medicine for the post partum depression and its not so often the bad dreams I dont see a theripist any more because my oldest child sees 3 of them and working full time I just dont have enough time during the week but I think it would be very helpful to you. remember this though its hard to find a theripist you are comfortable with it took me 3 before I found one i really like and now shes one of my sons. so dont settle and get fustrated.
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I think you could investigate this further and find out the truth... but it will be EXTREMELY hard because you were so young and have no memory of it happening.
Plus, let me ask you this. Lets say you find out the truth. How is that going to help you "move forward"? can't you just move forward right now? Lets say you find out that you were sexually abused and you find the person who abused you... well how is that going to help you move forward? I dont think it will.. besides the fact that you've got sweet revenge and solved the mystery. You can still move on from it right now, even though you don't know the honest truth.
Don't get me wrong, you can find out the truth if you really want to. You can try hiring a P.I (Private investigator) and crack the code. But it will take a lot of effort and time. It's really up to you if its worth it or not.
As for your PTSD symptoms.. have you thought about seeing a therapist or psychologist? they can prescribe you medicine and really help out. Think about it. I think it would really help you.
Sometimes you don't need to know the truth in order to move on.. Sometimes the truth will only do worse (aka you'd be obsessed with the thought of this person and trying to figure out what happened that night). Sometimes its best just to move on without looking back.
But it is your call. Good luck and i'm sorry to hear about your past. Inbox me if you need any help!
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I don't think anyone on this site can answer your question for sure.
What I will share is that I witnessed a couple having sex when I was probably 2 or 3. It was such a traumatic experience that I still remember it to this day. I didn't understand what was happening... I thought he was hurting her and I think that upset me more anything. I don't know if that is what happened to you, but it's something to consider.
I will also tell you that some of the things you listed are more common than you think they are. For example, babies and young children can get frequent yeast infections and sex has nothing to do with it. I experienced vaginal pain for a number of years after I lost my virginity. Also, around 7-9 years of age, a lot of children will experience something akin to a type of sexual curiousity. When I was around that age, I would often strip, sometimes with my best friend, and lay on top of stuffed animals. My mother didn't know how common this was and often over-reacted to the situation. I was also a distant, quiet, only child.
What concerns me is the suicidal thoughts at age seven. Whether or not you're having suicidal thoughts now, I would consider under-going some type of counseling (especially if you're really worried about this). In my opinion, counseling can only do good. It may be emotionally exhausting to dig deep and find the root of the problem, but I think you'll be better off in the long run.
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