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It's not him, it's not us, it's me. I need to save my relationship. (long)
I don't know what else to do, or who else to turn to.. not that I've turned to anybody because I'm afraid talking about it is going to make it worse.
I've been with my boyfriend for six months, and I love him so much. He loves me just as much... if not, then more. He tells me he's in love with me and I'm the most important person in the world to him. He tells me I'm the reason why he's going to try to get into college. And I'm so glad I could do this much for him. I've always loved hearing this, us making scenarios about our future together like getting married and everything. We have legit plans to go to school near each other so it won't be too much of a long distance relationship.
I have never once doubted my love for him. I know I'm young, and so is he, but I never felt so strongly about somebody before. He electrifies my life. I love being with him, being at his house doing nothing but eating & watching movies, and I really like his family & vice versa.
But out of NOWHERE a couple days ago, I began feeling uneasy about this whole thing. I don't know if it's a long, committed future, or if it's that he's suddenly gotten a bit clingy (I get reminded how much he loves me dozens of times a day, and I don't understand why, because he knows I know already).
There isn't anybody else, I don't want anybody else. I want to be with him, but there's something stopping me from returning the words "I'm in love with you too", which I've already done before and I'm afraid he's going to think something's wrong.
Which I think there is. But I don't know what. I don't know what to do. He knows something's wrong but nothing this serious. I mean, it could be worse. But with the slightest doubt about ME scares me so much. I don't want to hurt him, I'm not ready to end this. I don't know what to do.
Just today, just a few minutes ago, he noticed I was a bit upset so he said, "Don't worry about me breaking your heart, okay?" assuming it was about that. I shook my head, telling him that's not what I was thinking about: I was worrying about me breaking his.
I don't know what's wrong, or how to approach it. But I need to fix it because I want to have that 100% feeling again like he does about me. But right now it's not 100%.
Hopefully this is just a phase. But it hurts me to tears. I'm scared of breaking his heart, along with breaking my own. I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I'm not ready to give up.
Any advice? Any similar situations? Thank you SO much.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First, Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Phd in physiology, not in psychology) is mentally ill, imho. I would steer well clear of anything she has to say.
Okay, that aside, what you are detecting in your guy is a self esteem problem where he tells you he loves you 18 times a day because he wants to be reassured that you really do love him. I understand what you're feeling since this can get really tedious.
Moreover, you want a guy who feels good about himself and who will be a leader in the relationship and you are wondering now if he has the courage or confidence for that. The answer may be no.
It depends where his sudden insecurity is coming from. For example, has he been getting any feedback from peers, work or his family that he is a doofus? And that then causes him to wonder if you may be feeling the same negative way toward him.
What makes this so complicated is that the hesitation you are now expressing in your feedback to him is creating an unintentional vicious cycle. The more hesitant he sees you being the less confidence he has, especially after he has made some bigtime verbal commitments to you on the tacit understanding that it was safe for him to do so because you sent the message that you really loved him to that degree.
Now there are a couple other things at work here: one, as your thinking evolves and you get more and more acquainted with the world, you begin realizing just how ignorant you are and how temporary life can be. He may also have some bigtime qualms about the way the world is running right now and what it may portend for you guy's future.
Two, you may be wondering if you have bitten off more than you can chew and perhaps, somewhere in the back of your mind, you would like more of a chance to explore life before you settle down. Indeed, if you don't have that exploratory phase you will live to regret it. There are no exceptions to that rule. You better be honest with yourself about this.
Anyway, solution: be straight with him and tell him to stop telling you he loves you 18 times a day. Also reassure him that you are comfortable with him driving the bus in the relationship. Tell him you love him to death (only as long as you feel that way.
If you are beginning to have doubts about the future of the relationship and your place in it, though, you also have to talk about that. Yeah, you're a girl and you hate disappointing people, especially since he seems like such a decent guy, but ultimately it is YOUR life and your sensibilities are still evolving and so a little growing apart at this stage is not uncommon.
Again, be dead honest with yourself. Do not stay in the relationship out of any obligation. Be grateful for the experience and what you learned from it, but sometimes changing thinking necessitates changing direction.
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Dear "It's not him, it's not us, it's me. I need to save my relationship",
YoungMommy is right. You are projecting your insecurities onto the closest person to you, and not telling him why.
Communication, honesty, and forgiveness are the key to true love and happiness. Never be afraid to communicate with him. If you are seriously thinking about marriage at 16, be prepared for hard work ahead. It takes serious work to stay together when you have so many outside influences like, work, school, hobbies, family, etc. . .
Here is a link for you my dear. I get nothing from sending you to this site. No kickbacks, no affiliation what so ever. I just happened across this lady one day, and she helped me save and strengthen the bond between my husband and I. It will bring you closer together only if you use the tools she provides.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Good Luck!
Doktor Tammy
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I once had this feeling before my hubby and I got married... But I realized that the whole thing was that I loved him so much and I wanted to be with him forever but inside I was thinking the same thing you are... But for me I got so scared of hurting him and it made me push him away... I later realized that it was infact the total opposite... I thought I was afraid of huting him when really I was afraid of him hurting me and leaving... I was so use to people hurting me it just became natural for me to push people away that I loved... you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. let him know you love him and you want to be together and the reason you have been acting odd is because you are afraid to hurt him... because if you hurt him, he will leave and you dont want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to you... Its going to be okay, dont keep your feelings bottled relationships need communication... if you talk you and your relationship will get stronger good luck
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