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I thought I would be happy, but I still get really down
Hi I'm 17 and female. I recently got my first boyfriend, and he has made me feel so happy. He came at a time when I was really stressed and sad, and contemplating suicide. He pretty much saved me and no one knows it. But now that sad feeling is back, and its making me even more upset thinking that not even this great guy who I really love, and who really loves me, cant make me feel better about life and about myself. I just thought that after a life of neglect, having someone finally love me would make me happier, and it hasn't. Although my mood has really improved and that overwhelming sadness dissappeared for a little while, it came back to me yesterday, and I am feeling it right now. Its this strange, empty feeling that weighs me down. I just become so upset. Today I saw my boyfriend today and I was ok, still a bit sad though. I felt really disconnected from him and all our friends. And when I came home, I just felt like an idiot. I dont know why, but I just began to hate myself, I felt a horrible empty feeling, like I just wanted to die right at that moment. I hated myself for not being better to my boyfriend, for being sad at a time when I am supposed to be happy. The annoying thig is that I don't know if something is actually wrong with me, or if I am just PMSing ( it is that time of the month, and I usually get really sad because of the hormones :\ ). I have thought for a while that I might be bipolar, as I tend to have these really depressed stages, and then every now and then I am hyperactive and happy to the point that I disregard safety and don't really care about anything, like rules, or if I am annoying people, or if I might get myself into trouble.
Anyway, is it unusual for me to feel so sad when I should be feeling like Im on top of the world? Do you think there is something wrong with me? Were my expectations too high?
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As an earlier comment suggested, you might have depression.
However, let's step back and try not to overthink things.
Indeed, that is the trouble with all women, especially teenagers. They pick at themselves endlessly due to their native insecurity and brood themselves into an emotional pretzel. You need to stop this because it will undermine your life.
The first step is to look at things simply:
1. Do you have friends? Yes, which puts you ahead of quite a few students on your high school campus. That is because your friends found something in you that they believe is worthwhile or they wouldn't bother. Pretty cool, right?
2. Your boyfriend thinks you're the bomb. Also pretty cool. There are a hell of a lot of kids who never had a boyfriend or girlfriend their entire teenage lives. Now if you're depressed, how do you think those left out kids feel? Be happy that you're so lucky.
3. You were born in the USA. Even though this country has a hell of a lot of problems, you are still miles more comfortable than literally half the people on the planet. You gotta be grateful for that.
4. You don't really say what kind of messages you are getting from your parents. But it actually kind of doesn't matter since it is your life only and, at some point, we all have to take control of it because only we as individuals know what makes us happy. If the general environment of where you live is a bummer to you, start making plans to move away to college and then making a life for yourself beyond that. Focus on that only and don't deviate from it.
5. Part of your self loathing is that you don't feel you measure up to other people you are acquainted with. Welcome to life! No matter how smart or accomplished one is, there will always be someone who can top it. It is inevitable given how many people there are in this world. All you can do is your best, be moral, be ethical and enjoy life on your terms without trying to define yourself through others. They are not you and you aren't them. So don't worry about it.
Incidentally, a lot of really high powered people often feel that they are frauds because they get too caught up in comparing themselves with people they envy or admire. That is totally counterproductive, though it does tend to keep one humble, which is a good thing. So you are not alone, believe me.
So keep your thinking simple, when you start to overthink, stop and just say to yourself, "uh yeah, like that was a constructive thought" and keep moving forward.
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It sounds like you are suffering from depression. I'm not a doctor, so I can't diagnose whether or not it is bipolar, or depression, but I do suggest you speak to your family doctor, and tell him everything you said here. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, I suffer from it myself, but it is serious and should not be ignored or go untreated. Good luck to you, and please, if you feel the urge to harm yourself in anyway, call a suicide hotline, or even go to the nearest ER.
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