|
My mother is depressed and won't let me go.... HELP!
So my mother has been struggling with depression ever since I could remember. I've always been pretty sympathetic about it because I have struggled with depression at one point in my life, but thankfully I have over came it. I always ask my mother why she is sad and she never has a straight answer. I can only imagine why she is unhappy. She works at a waitress at a crappy job, she has absolutely no money, tons of debt, and she is currently the head of her pitty party. She has never really had a charmed life, but she always provided for me and my sister. I am 20 years old and my sister is 21 and we are trying to start our lives and move out. My mother is not too happy about it. She wants us to help her pay for bills and when working a minimum wage job 30 hours or less a week, there isn't a lot of money to give and not a lot of money to keep for myself. I really want to move out but my mom makes me feel terrible for leaving her. She is 57 years old and expects me to take care of her. She tells me that she has taken care of me my whole life and now it is time for me to take care of her. Mind you, I have two older sisters in their late 30s who are more than financially stable and are not willing to help her. I am only 20 years old! I should not be the one who has to support her. I love my mother more than anything in the world and that is why it is going to be hard for me to leave her. I give her all of my money and do everything I can to make her happy. My 21 year old sister doesn't care to help pay the bills but she thinks she can live in our house and not do a thing. She is moving out and my mom doesn't care because she knows she has me still. I don't want her to depend on me and I need some help. My sisters refuse to help us and I just need to get out of this situation. Should I leave and get on with my life or should I stay and struggle to make ends meat to try to make my mother happy? I just don't know what to do. If i left and something happened to her, I would feel terrible but staying home is holding me back and bringing me back into my depression. I don't want her to be unhappy, but i also do not want to be unhappy. What should i do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I'm a parent with a son about the age of your older sisters. I have always believed in the American Indians belief that it takes an entire village to raise a child.
What that means is that the parents, house, cloth and feed a child; the village instills morals and values in a child. The village asks nothing in return from the child other than they become valued members of the village. A parent should not expect anything in return from a child either.
Your mother did her job in raising you properly, helping you get what was yours from the village offerings; schooling and other things. This is what is expected of her by the village(society).
Your mother is wrong to ask you to pay off any debts she has brought upon herself just because you are her daughter. You have a right to live your own life; which is what the village expects of you, which is to live and prosper. If you are able to and you wish to assist your mother in paying off her bills; that is totally your choice.
My advice is to do as you wish and moved out of your mothers home. If that means you must stop assisting your mother with her debt, then stop. To continue as you are you will only cause you to relapse into depression and become an enabler to your mother.
]
Don't take this the wrong way, but your mother is full of shit. Her responsibility to you is to see that you become a productive member of society.
You need to move out and make a life for yourself. PERIOD. It is unhealthy for you to stay there and take care of her.
Stop paying her bills. Stop taking care of her. She is a grown woman and can take care of herself, depressed or not. If something happens to her, it would be her own fault. It would suck, and you'd feel bad, but it would be in no way your fault, nor your responsibility.
Good grief, did her parents live with her from age 20 and demand she care for them? No! She went out, made her own life, had her own family!
You are entitled that same right.
You live your life for you, not her.
]
It is not your responsibility to make your mother happy. It is her responsibility to deal with her life and find her own happiness. That said, it is not unfair for you, as an adult, to help out with the finances while you live at home. If you move out, you would have to pay rent and utilities, etc., so it is reasonable for you to kick in a few bucks for the benefits of living at home. Determine what is a fair contribution for you as an individual and do that. If your sisters don't want to help out, it is not your responsibility to cover any of their "share".
It is also not time for you to "take care" of your mother, especially with no help from other family members. If the atmosphere at home is dragging you down, then moving out is a healthy (and normal) thing for you. You need to do what you need to do to establish your own life. I don't mean abandoning and forgetting your mother, but it is unhealthy for both of you for you to bear the weight of her emotional and financial state.
When you establish yourself as your own person with your own resources, you will be better able to help your mother in ways that are healthy for both of you.
]
More Questions: |