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Boyfriend stressed and distant. Help?
So, everytime my boyfriend is stressed or dissatisfied with his life, he goes into massive escapism mode. That means I can expect him on fanfiction or video games when he gets home till we go to sleep. We always end up not having sex during these periods, and when he'll express a lot of interest in doing just that, he'll bail out or I will because its apparent his mind is elsewhere. I dont know how to get him to focus on the present instead of constantly being dissatisfied with what he dosent have. He wants to make more money, hes stressed about finance. I am too, but I also know that if you live in the future and the past you will destroy the present, and never be happy. I'm tired of his constant dissatisfaction with his life when I give him everything I can. I don't want to have to complain, and he rarely wants to properly talk about it. What to do?
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You need to talk to him.
Determine whether you think this is a deeper issue like depression or whether you have a boyfriend who just really likes to pretend he's single and living at home with his parents where he can just check out for the night with amusements and has no responsibilities to anyone else.
Get him help or dump him as appropriate.
If he's incapable of coping with life any other way than escapism then you need to at least tell him it's time to compromise on exactly how often he checks out of the world and how often he makes sure that there is some time left for you during the course of the day.
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I know it sounds cliche, but it sounds to me like your bf might be dealing with depression. The fact that he goes into "escapism" mode is a huge sign. I struggled with depression for a short time in my life and that was all I wanted to do, get away from everyone and everything. I spent a lot of time on the computer, or even just in a room alone, just thinking or starting off into space, not wanting to be disturbed. He may feel dissatisfaction with his life, but I'm willing to bet it goes a bit deeper than that. Its hard, because it affects you too, but there is really nothing YOU personally can do about it. In fact,the more you try the worse it can get for him because then he also deals with the guilt of not being able to be the person you want him to be and its stressful for you as well because you are feeling that you have to do something. You have to understand that the problem isn't yours, so it won't be solved by you. Not that you shouldn't be there to support him, but you may want to encourage him to get some outside help. I eventually sought therapy. Yes, it cost money, but I sacrificed because I knew I wasn't going to get better without help, and I was making my family suffer. A good place to start is with a regular doctor visit. He should let his doctor know he thinks he may be struggling with depression. The doctor can recommend a therapist and/or other treatments to help. But please encourage him to get help. Don't nag him, just encourage him. Tell him you are worried this is more than just feeling a little lost and you want to see him feel good again. And he may need help to do that. There's no shame in getting help. The shame should be in making the one's you love suffer because you are too proud to seek help. In the meantime, make it clear you are there if he needs you, but also start trying to do more outside of your relationship. Meet with friends, go out, enjoy some hobbies. By keeping yourself busy you will have less time to get sucked into his situation right now, you'll feel more fulfilled instead of waiting on him to make you happy, and you might even inspire him to get up and get out as well. Good luck.
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So what this boils down to is a guy who isn't there for you emotionally or physically.
So you're continued attraction to him is what exactly?
Do you have a father who also wasn't very available to you emotionally or maybe not at home that much or at all? Women tend to repeat in their intimate lives their relationships with their fathers. Therefore, he's being like daddy becomes attractive to you because this is what you know and all women want their men to be their daddy anyway.
My solution: dump him, learn from this, really do some introspection as to why you put up with this nonsense, and then move on to someone who will be healthier for you to be with.
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