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Hey there. You answered the question for me about my mom and our relationship. I really appreciated your input and would like to consult you on the following matter. I currently wear hair extensions because I lost a lot of hair from and eating disorder, I've been wearing then for 15 months. I am now fully recovered and my hair has grown back a lot. But, my mom gets very angry at me when I tell her I want to take them off. She says that they are the life of my hair and though she may not realize it, i am hearing that I am not beautiful and need the extensions fo be beautiful. She lives through me and she doesn't understand the hassle of the extentions. Since I have had them, she washes and brushes my hair. I think she uses them as a way to manipulate me and control me, as crazy as that sounds. But, it's true. I want to run my fingers through my own hair and be able to wash it myself. Can you give me any advice as to how I could go about this?
Thanks!
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Wow... you have had quite a few hurdles to overcome in your life. It does not surprise me that you have struggled with an eating disorder. Its the one thing you could control outside of your mother. Here is another area where you can do nothing more than stand your ground and refuse to be manipulated. It is YOUR hair. Does that really need to be said? Maybe it does. It is YOUR hair. So take out the extensions. You worked hard to overcome your disorder and get healthy. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor, a healthy head of hair! So take them out. If you aren't brave enough to do it with her knowledge, then do it when you are alone, or go to a friend's house or the bathroom at school or wherever, and do it without telling her. When she pitches a fit, don't even argue. Just say these words "Its MY hair"... every argument she throws at you just say "Its MY hair, Its MY hair, Its MY hair"... say it over and over again until she quits. Until she gets it. You are not the person she always wished SHE could be. You are YOU. You are special, unique and good and its not fair for her to try to make you be anything other than who you are. It is so incredibly selfish its sick, but I think you realize that. Have you been to therapy? I hope so. You need support. Also, do you have friends, good friends? You need to start spending as much time as possible with other people that you like and trust. I know your mother loves you in her own weird way, but at this point, the more time you spend away from her, the better off you'll be, at least for now. I know its so hard after a lifetime of this abuse (and it IS abuse), but you have to find a way to not fear her anger. You don't need her approval to live. You don't need her approval at all. Love and approval are two different things, although your mother has tried to convince you they are the same. They are not. You mother will always love you, no matter what she says. I'm a mother and I know its impossible not to love your own child. But her approval is something different,and while its nice, you don't need it. Try to remind yourself of that when she gets mad at you for making your own decisions about your appearance. Write yourself notes if you have to. Ask your friends to remind you when you start feeling upset. Start finding ways to make little decisions apart from her, when she's not around. There's not much she can do after the fact, which makes it a little easier. So do what you want to your hair. DO IT! You deserve it. You are not a bad person for wanting to be... a person! You are a good person, and you have a lot to offer the world. The more time you spend out on your own, the more excited you will be about what you have to offer and what the world has to offer you. Good luck. Don't forget - don't be afraid of her anger! Its just an emotion, its not about love, its about control. She can't control you.
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