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My Mother
I am 64 yrs old. My mother is 91. I come from a very Italian background. My mother has 1 daughter (me) and 1 son. She lives 8 minutes from me now. Always been dependent on me and needy. Next year my husband and I plan on retiring. Our goal is to move to Florida. We have no specific plan other than to sell our home and wing it. How can I ever make such a move and plan on taking my mom at some point in time. She occupies a condo and lives alone. Pretty self sufficient but I do talk to her just about everyday, visit once a week and whatever else she may need. How can I make this transition as easy and with a minimum amount of stress. I have only touched the surface of this but I see it as a huge problem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Romy
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You and your husband have the right to live your own lives as does your mother.
You say mom lives on her own and is and is "pretty self-sufficient". You do not say if she is in good health or in need of continuing medical care and transport to different doctors. This is important as it may impact what she may want to do.
The older a person gets the harder it is on them to pick up and move. They are comfortable in their surroundings, they know where everything is and who to call if they need things. When you move people your mothers age the impact can lead to confusion and even shorten their lives.
I would suggest you start by discussing with your mother that you and your husband plan on retiring and that your plans are to move to Florida. Ask her how she feels about your plans and what she would like to do. If she isn't sure be prepared to both explain and show her what her options are.
Explain to her what a Senior assisted living center is. She may confuse it with a nursing home which they are not. She would have her own apartment/condo and depending on her needs you can purchase the assistance she would need that you may have been supplying.
Most have Nursing care that range from full nursing care to just dispensing of medication. Then there are different meal plans that are available, laundry service and cleaning services. The activity centers offers a full range of activity based on the ages of their residents. Many have emergency Medical Technicians and Paramedic ambulance service on site for when and if the are needed. Transportation to her doctors is generally also a service that is available.
Mom of course can also move to Florida with you into a similar Senior living center. I would not, based on your thoughts of just "winging it", ask mom to move in with you. You need to do what is best for mom.
Telling mom that she has to move to Florida is in my belief not what is best for her. Whatever friends she has, her doctors and everything that supports her is where you are now, that is her comfort zone and I believe that is where she is going to want to stay. You need to be prepared to help her if that is her decision.
I of course could be wrong and she many say she want to move with you. If so be prepared with brochures for Senior living centers near where you and your husband plan to use as you home base for "winging it".
Just in passing, my parents left my grandmother where she was living when they moved to Florida and everything worked out fine. Even though she developed a form of Alzheimer's towards the end she hung in there for more than five years after my parent retired. We never knew grandma's true age as she came from the old country without a birth certificate. The doctors told us she was somewhere between 95 and 98 when she passed away.
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You are in a tough spot
I partly agree with the columnist below me, It would be wrong to secretly move away without informing your mother.
If you plan on moving to Florida with your husband then what it all comes down too is you can give your mother the opportunity to go with you, This does not mean that she has to live with you and be permanent what you could do is have her go with you and seek a assistant living home for her down in Florida. You could even look online and make calls ahead of time and see if you can make possible arrangement before hand that way it will all be arranged before you move. I am not entirely sure on what to say because again this is a tough situation but if it were me I would offer her to come along and I'd probably see if I can make arrangements before hand. You don't want to leave your mother high and dry..
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Well you can't plan all of this and move behind her back without knowing.. right?
So I suggest you go over there and tell her that you've been thinking about having a change in your life. You and your husband will retire and sell your house and move to florida. Insist that she comes with you. Its very polite and I'm sure she would love it, considering she is a mother who is in need of her daughter :)
If she has a problem with it, then calmly talk to her about it and figure out a solution. Perhaps she could stay there with a nanny or care-taker and you would visit her every so often. Maybe you and your husband could talk about it and come up with a different solution, like moving somewhere closer rather than Florida. Communication is key.
Good luck!
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