Recently lied to my boyfriend... How can I fix it?
Question Posted Friday April 22 2011, 12:08 am
Hi, I recently lied to my boyfriend and I don't know how to repair the damage I have done. I lied about my sexual past. I have always been told never to reveal how many sexual partners I've had because it will make a man look at me differently. Well, I admitted it and my friends were right. My boyfriend can't look at me in the same way and went as far as to call me a slut. I told him that I had my fun back in college, but when I am in a relationship I have always been faithful. He hates my past and every once in a while brings it up again. Sometimes he looks at me in silence and I'm always wondering whether he is imagining me with other men. Anyway, I also lied to him about ex-boyfriends writing on my wall on Facebook. It was my birthday recently and all my exes posted birthday messages all over my wall. He asked me all day whether I had gotten messages from my exes. I said no just because I didn't want him to get upset. It was a white lie. He gets so jealous and sometimes I feel like whether I am honest or giving him a white lie he will be pissed. Anyway, he found out I lied to him because one of the messages was from an ex who I had mentioned in the past. Now he thinks I am a liar and can never trust me again.I apologized to him and I told him how much I love him. The past is the past. I can't help it that exes write on my wall. I don't respond to them. He thinks that because they write to me that I am still communicating with them and interested in them. I am not! It makes me so mad. I ended up dealing every single ex off my facebook so he would realize that I don't need my exes in my life. I only want to be with him. His ex-wife cheated on him which has probably left him jaded. Anyway, what can I do to fix the lies? How do I explain to him why I lied? Should I apologize profusely, give him a card? Do you think he will trust me again? How do I rebuild the trust? Please help...
I have a significant number of partners and my wife couldn't care less. She isn't burdened by insecurity because of her past and she doesn't wonder about me. I talk to whomever I want, I have more female friends than male friends, and she trusts me because she's let me prove it to her that I'm trustworthy.
This guy doesn't sound like he's going to let you prove it. It sounds more like every time you fuck up (note: fuck up in his eyes) you'll add to a list he'll keep to bring out when he's feeling insecure and wants to feel better or manipulate your behavior.
Do you want to spend your life trying? Worse, do you want to be with a guy who resents you and the world for his past and your own and end up wanting to cheat on him yourself?
And maybe it's just me but I kind of look down on any other guy who can't handle a girl who's been with a decent number of people. What a shock, when we stop making female sexuality a dirty evil thing we find out women like sex as much as men do.
If you seriously want to give this a shot two points of advice.
First, just apologize for lying. Tell him you didn't know how to approach the situation and you made a mistake by hiding things rather than trusting him with the truth.
Second, point out that his reaction was completely unacceptable and that you can't come to him with the truth if he's going to get insecure and petty and call you a slut for it. Loving a person means accepting everything about them except the things that person doesn't want to accept about themselves.
Because only those things they don't want to accept themselves have even the slightest chance in hell of ever changing.
Razhie answered Friday April 22 2011, 12:50 pm: You asked about this issue before, but this time, you've deliberately left out many of the details of the silence in your relationship, your boyfriend's inappropriate behavoir and hypocrisies.
I'm sorry hun, all the normal advice to how to make this better applies: Talk and Listen. Apologize for misleading.
But anyone advising you would be remiss not to say that you shouldn't be groveling or dragging yourself through the mud for mistakes that were made long ago, that didn't involve any sort of betrayal or breech of trust to him or any past romantic partner. If that kind of self-abuse it what he requires you to do to save your relationship, then the relationship isn't worth saving.
You have more sexual partners than you (or he) is perfectly comfortable with. Fine. You feel and think differently now than you did a few years ago when it comes to selecting sex partners. Your past mistakes didn't include any cheating or betrayal and I will assume you are up to date on your STI checks. That means you didn't do anything wrong, underhanded or immoral. You just choose differently then.
Stop making excuses for his behavoir (or for yours own mistakes) and recognize that as much as two people may care for each other, sometimes they are simply toxic to each other. Sometimes two people just can't live together as equal, respected people.
His jealousy and shaming of you is both unfair and toxic. Your own self doubt and willingness to abuse and demean yourself for his comfort is toxic too. This is not a relationship built on honesty and mutual respect. This isn't a good arrangement for either of you. [ Razhie's advice column | Ask Razhie A Question ]
bewise answered Friday April 22 2011, 3:42 am: Hi, This is a difficult situation for you to be in, but I can see your heart is in a good place, as you are trying really hard to fix it.
I think the problem however, isn't yours as much as it's your boyfriends. When you told him the truth, he didn't treat you at all respectfully and he didn't treat you in a loving way. You were burned. So thats why you lied, because you didn't want to get burned again.
Now, I don't like lying at all, and I think it is better to get burned and be honest, as hard as that sounds. But i understand thats not for everyone.
(i'm not saying that to run you down, only to show you where my point of view is coming from)
I think you need to explain to him calmly that you love him and you want to be honest with him, but when you were he treated you in an unfair and disrespectful manner, one that didn't show you love. And explain that was why you chose to lie to him. Say you are sorry. Tell him you need him to apologize for his behaviour also.
If he can't become more mature in his response to your truths, your relationship together will be very long and difficult, and I imagine he will blame you a lot. Remember that you are the one that was honest in the first place, and the one who is trying to do a lot of good now.
I recommend letting him know that if he doesn't change his way of handling your truths, ie, treating you with love and respect, then you will ditch him.
A man with good husband material usually has a lot of kindness, thoughtfulness, understanding and forgiveness. Someone who will love you when there is ups and downs.
See if he matches up to that and then make your decision. It sounds like he treats you really poorly and that by being with him you are missing out on the nice guys out there who will treat you like a queen! [ bewise's advice column | Ask bewise A Question ]
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