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15 with cancer
Hi, I read your response to my cancer post. I am for suree a christian.! I go to church every sunday and wednesday! I am saved and going to heaven but I love everyone here and still dont want to die. I hate to tell you this, but whats inside of me is growing and is so bad that uhm... im not gonna live another week. I can BARELY have the strength to get on this computer! I have the choice to keep fighting or I can give up any minute and..die. I dont cry much but I am now. I would love to keep in touch.
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Hi! Thanks for writing back, I am really glad you did!
I am SO pleased that you are a Christian and know you will be going to Heaven! Even though this is a tricky time for you, it will be so good there, with nothing to worry about! With that time when I had drowned and died, I had such a sense of happiness and even though I could think about my mum, it was like it was actually impossible to worry, because worry doesn't exist in Heaven!
That can be hard to understand now, because it is so easy to worry on earth, but have hope that it will be awesome there for you!
In saying that, a lot of crying and worrying now is normal! What you are feeling is normal! Even now, after I have gone through all that, and do belive in Jesus and going to Heaven, I still have times when I get worried about dying too. Especially the idea of leaving my family behind, and how weird it is that you are alive on earth one minute and not the next. But, YOU don't die, just your body. The real you, your spirit will carry on! For me it was like I could still hear my voice in my head, the way you do when you are thinking. And I still felt like the same ME just without anything bad like pain or scaredness or things like that.
I totally understand that you must be so tired, so if you don't write back I'm okay with that, and if you do that's awesome too!
What type of cancer do you have? And what part of the world do you live in?
I live in New Zealand, and it is really beautiful here, but we have had a rough few months with really big earthquakes damaging our city. We are totally okay though, which I really think is God's protection over us.
It must be such a bizarre and difficult thing for you to deal with, the idea and reality of expecting to die soon. How are you feeling? Is it a painful thing, or just tiring?
I saw this movie called My Sisters Keeper. It was very intense and I almost wished I didn't watch it because it is very sad, but in it it had a girl about your age who had cancer and died. The girl made a really good scrapbook before she died that had photos from her life in it, all the things that made her happy, and things she wrote about people, like how much she loved them and how much they mean to her. It showed her mum reading it after she had died and it was really meaningful to her and made her really happy.
I'm not sure if you have done anything or even have the energy to, but maybe someone could help you to do something like that? or maybe you could make letters/emails to people to tell them what they mean to you? Or a video diary/message?
But don't worry if you are too tired, cos the people you love all have amazing memories of you that will keep them happy for years. I know this is true because even when my kids are sleeping, doing nothing at all except lying there, I still get the greatest joy in the world, simply because I can look at them and they are mine, and I think about how much I love them and the fun stuff we have done together.
I hope you are okay. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so.
I know it sounds wierd, but from experience, being dead felt nice and I was happy. I guess you would be if you are in God's care, which you are!
Jeremiah 29:11
For i know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.
You are just about to come into God's awesome plans for you!
Don't worry about your family as much. God will take care of them too. They will grieve and be sad, but that is normal, but eventually they will come right too, which is good.
To show how God protects our family, even when we are not there, i will tell you a story that happened to a friend of mine during the recent really bad quake we had in our city.
She (Clare) has two girls, an 8 month old, and a 2 year old. She had put the baby to bed, in her cot with a special large piece of material/velcro that wraps around her tummy to stop her rolling around in the cot. Her other daughter (the two year old) was sitting in the large chair in the lounge. This chair has a huge window behind it, a really tall computer desk just beside it with a big heavy computer and loads of books etc all over it. On the other side of it is the couch and then a wall with a logburner and chimney.
My friend was on the toilet at the time of the quake! the water came all out of the cistern and poured all over her! She had her pants around her ankles and was trying to pull them up, but was being thrown around by the quake. She had to get out of the toilet, past the laundry, past the back door, through the kitchen (which was SO messy, cos of all the cupboards opening and everything falling out everywhere) and then into the hallway. All while the quake was violently throwing stuff around, her included! By the time she got to the hallway it had stopped.
She checked on the baby first. Miraculously, the babys room was extremely unaffected! The only thing that had moved was a little paint/black board, that had tipped, and as it was about to smack into the cot, a blanket fell off the top of a cupboard, and caught between the blackboard and the cot, so it didn't even make a loud bang! The baby was safe as it had that thing wrapped around it to stop it rolling around!
The house was a complete shambles, but when she went into the lounge, what she saw really showed her God's protection for her family. The little girl was still sitting on the chair (that itself is unusual as she is a busy wee girl). The huge window behind her chair had shattered. The computer desk had tipped and everything fallen off it/moved around. The logburner/chimney wall had completely smashed up and the whole wall had broken, but fell outwards! The lounge was very messy, but the best bit is that the chair that the wee girl was sitting on was completely clean and protected! Not even one shard of glass from the window had gone on it! The girl was safe!
And because the baby's room was clean, the girls had somewhere to play while the parents could clean up/organise the house! What a blessing!
God has got everything in his control and everything is planned. Even if it doesn't make sense for us, it is all good, and we can rest and relax into knowing that.
Ecclesiastes 3
There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to rebuild.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance
A time to scatter stoneds and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak up.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Isn't it interesting how a time for peace is the very last one.
You can have peace, and you will have peace.
I love writing with you.
I hope you are okay today.
xxx
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