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Where can I turn from here - Crossdressing/Gay Husband?
Ok - First ever question that I have ever posted, please anyone, your opinion/advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just over a year. We had a good sex life to begin with then it dwindled to nothing. The last time I had sex with my husband was July 2010.
About 18 months into our relationship I discovered that he was into cross dressing, very upsetting and hard for me to take, automatically jumping to conclusions about his sexuality, especially coupled with the fact that he had become less and less interested in me sexually. After a lot of talking and research I concurred that he wasn't gay and that we could carry on as it was not a huge part of his life. It can be said that my husband is a bit of a recluse, doesn't engage in activities outside the home with me or with anyone else. Then all of a sudden he will. I have suspected for a long time that he has some bipolar type mental issue too. But I digress. Yesterday I took in a parcel and opened it (don't know why) and it contained butt plugs, an anal simulator thing and lubrication. When I challenged him he said he wasn't gay, wasn't that sexual a person thus explaining his lack of interest in me but was keen on jerking off hence this purchase. The website that he bought the items off is a gay website. I am in tears constantly as I don't know what to do. Can anyone out there help? I am not a prude, enjoy anything sexually and am very open minded. I am from England.
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Hi, I am one of the older advisers on this site. Probably old enough to be your grandfather, definitely old enough to be your father. Hopefully the wisdom that comes with age will be helpful to you.
Let me start by saying I agree with what ruthwithscissors wrote; especially about anal sex and the anal sex toys.
For someone my age I have a very liberal view of sex. To be very basic about it; I believe what happens in the privacy of a bedroom between two consenting adults is their business and no one else's. I do no consider anything they may do to be weird or anything else as long as both consent. The key word here is CONSENT.
Now that you understand my thought process when it comes to sex I can move on with my advice. You said that you "concurred" that his cross dressing did not mean he was gay. You suspect he may have a bipolar problem. Now anal toys have come into your home and you are confused and upset (paraphrasing) as your husband says there for his use in masturbating.
Taking things one at a time:
Cross Dressing: Concurring and approval or consenting do not have the same meaning. If you approved or consented to your husbands cross dressing you could involve yourself in his fantasy and help him dress up by helping him buy cloths and under garments. Help him with make up and even finding wigs. Your involvement in his fantasy if you were consenting and join him might lead to a better sex life with him.
Possible Bipolar disorder: This is the most serious of the things you have written about. It is also the one thing I can't help you with as I am not a doctor. The only advise I can offer is if you suspect that your husband suffers from this disorder he needs to be screened for it.
England has a National Health System. I'm not quite sure how it works but I believe in order to see a specialist, which this disorder requires, you need to first see your primary physician. If you can't get your husband to go then you should talk to the doctor for him.
Anal Toys: Here again anal sex is a widely accept form of sex and sex play for both men and women. While anal sex may not be your thing could you consent to anal sex with and to your husband to enhance your sex life with him. The anus has many nerve endings an many men find it exciting to have there anus fingered or even penetrated during sex.
There are men that like to have their female lover use a strap-on to have sex with them in both the doggy position and the missionary position. In both these positions it is possible for the male to masturbate or be masterbated while having anal sex with his female lover. While allowing a female to penetrate him anally. Most if not all of these men would never allow a male to penetrate him with their penis.
As far as what your husband is doing to himself sexually your acceptance and consenting of it plays a big part in how your sex life could improve. I would suggest if you can be accepting of it but have trouble consenting then marriage counseling with sex therapy would be helpful for both of you.
More important is the fact of your suspicion your husband suffers from Bipolar disorder. This is a serious problem that could lead to him hurting himself. You need to have him checked for this disorder.
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This is the kind of emotional issue that warrants more than a question in an online forum. I strongly advise you to seek personal or relationship counseling.
Sidenote: anal stimulation isn't just for gay men. Plenty of heterosexual men AND women use butt plugs.
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This doesn't sound like an issue you can handle yourself. You need some help. Ask your husband to attend marriage counseling with you. Whatever is happening, you both need some clarity, and you'll need a professional, impartial third party to help you do that. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. You need help with this.
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