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So lost
Hey guys. I really need someone to talk to and I have no one. I don't even have one person. So, I hope that maybe someone out there will here my cry and give me the advice I need. I appreciate first of all that you are reading this. But, I really need practical advice. Not just someone telling me to talk to my mom or something like that. Because obviously, I wouldn't be at this point if I didn't "talk" to her. I have sat her down and talked to her about this. But, my mom doesn't listen. Not only does she not listen, but you never know what kind of mood she's in. She may say ok and the next day she goes and does it again.
First of all I'm 20/female. I live with my mom and my grandparents. My mom and I have good and bad days like any other family. Sometimes we fight. Other times we're friends. But, it's gotten to a point where I've lost all my energy and I think I'm starting to get sick over it. About two years ago, I suffered with anorexia and bullemia because of the stress. Now, I feel like I just get sick all the time because my immune system is suffering.
My mom has been a very "obsessive" person from the time I was very young. When, I got into my teens it became a problem. She was overprotective but not in the sense that she wouldn't let me do anything. She would let me go out, but back then when there was myspace, she would go into mine, read my messages, check my e-mails. She had all my passwords and if I changed them, she would throw a TANTRUM. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm talking about the tantrum of a small child. Like crying. So, I would have to give her the passwords. If I didn't, she would threaten never to speak to me again. She would sit beside me when I was on Instant Messenger and tell me what to tell people. I had absolutely NO secrets from her. Like, not even a secret a friend told me would be a secret from her. She would find out. It made me really upset but I thought it was a small price to pay since she would let me go out and stuff. There are some kids whose parents don't. So, I thought I was lucky in that sense. I knew I had freedom I only craved a TINY piece of privacy, like having my own private e-mail account. But, like I said. I thought it was a small price to pay.
So, fast-forward. When it was time to apply for college, she really wanted to me stay here. She didn't want me to leave. At this point, I was just starting to get over anorexia and bullemia and I felt like I needed her and like I needed my family nucleus. But, I may have been wrong. The day after graduation, I was contemplating just doing summer here where I live and transferring in the Fall to a university in the state but outside my city. The day after I graduated, my mom dropped a major bomb: I'm adopted. I don't think after I heard that news, I was ever the same again. She didn't sit me down and talk to me. She didn't take my hand and say that she decided to adopt a baby. This is how it happened. I was crying because I was really upset about the school situation. I was crying hysterically too because the night before I had a fight with her. I was mad for a variety of reasons. But, I went to a very small school. 75 people in my graduating class, all girls school. These were the richest people in my city. I wasn't rich, but I've always been content. However, everyone in my class drove to school senior year. I was the ONLY senior who didn't drive because my mom was too afraid to let me drive. I just wasn't where I wanted to be in life and I was so angry at her because of the night before. So, she woke up really upset and so did I. She pretty much told me while we were fighting that she wasn't my mother and that my dad wasn't my father and that his kids really were and those are the kids he lives with. Every time I think about being adopted, it's really hard to think of it as this loving, beautiful thing, which it is. But, because i found out that way, I associate it with fighting and people leaving and it's just something I'm not comfortable with.
The day of my orientation, I couldn't even sleep over at the dorms (which some students due at orientation so they don't have to drive back the next day), and I couldn't stay there. I went into this really big depression. They were talking about fraternities and sororities and all the clubs offered and I was nowhere near listening. My mind was elsewhere. The same day of orientation, my biological mother had e-mailed me back. That same day, I had a relapse and went back to my eating disorder until February of last year.
I can only imagine how much better I would have done in school, all the things I would have joined, all the friends I would have made, if I wouldn't have found out that way on that day. I know there's never a right time but there is a right way. And it's not shouting at someone and telling them in an argument. If she had held that secret in her for 18 years, in all types of circumstances, why now?? She claimed that the reason she spied on me all those years was so that someone would not tell me. She wanted to delete the myspace message before someone sent me a message saying that i was adopted. There were people in my school who knew because they knew people in my family. I swear I had no idea before that day. I look like my parents. I'm their daughter. But, I'm so upset because they don't understand what I'm going through and they don't want to understand.
All my mom does is fight with me. She makes a mess out of my room and has no respect for the fact that I just need my own little space to study. She really doesn't care. I have talked to her about it before, but she continues to throw things around my room, on my desk, etc. She doesn't log into my facebook account anymore, but she got her own. I made the mistake of telling her who the guy that I like is, and she looks at his facebook day and night. That's not about protecting me anymore. It's about being a nuisance. I'm TWENTY! I'm not trying to say I know everything about the world. I know I'm young. But, I think I'm past the stage where my mother has to spy on me to get information about me. If she wanted to know more about my life, she could start gaining my trust and i would tell her.
Even when I have friends or go out with new friends, she ALWAYS has something bad to say about them. It's more like she wants to be my only friend. I don't know what it is. But, talking hasn't helped and I've lost all sense of how to take care of this situation.
Help!
xoxo
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I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this. There seems to be alot of issues going on here and most of them sound like they are your mom's. I see a mother who is almost deathly afraid of losing her daughter and who knows she is loosing control so she is acting out in order to maintain that control over you. It sounds like alot like emotional manipulation to get you to stay home. You may want to sit down and talk to her as one adult to another and find out where her fears and anxiety are coming from. this may not be easy to do because most people don't like to admit deeper rooted emotions and situations but it may be beneficial for her to talk about it so she can move forward. .whether or not the talking works you need to set some boundaries with her. It sounds like she wants you to stay home, yet you probebly want to move across the country right now. Tell her that you are willing to stay home while you finish school with the understanding that she needs to respect your privacy and allow you the freedom to be an adult. She will not be willing to let go easily and may throw a fit over it, but if she understands that the other alternative is you leaving and that you are serious about it, she may calm down enough for you and her to work out a compromise on the rules. But you need to set clear boundaries with her and follow through with what you said you would do if she crosses those boundaries, if you plan on staying home for a longer period of time. The other alternative is to make arragngements to move out. Let your mother know your plans, and let her know that you still love her but it's time for you to be out on your own and live your own life. Again, this will probebly make her angry for a time, but once you leave and have shown her that she is not forgotten , over time she will probebly begin to accept the new change. It's important to take control of the situation regardless of how she acts about it and to let go of her control over you. She loves you way to much to disown you or never speak to you again. But you cannot allow the tantrums and fits to control what you feel is best for you. You may want to seek counciling for the eating disorder's. , even if you are not doing it now, it sounds like a coping mechanism that you turn to when you are really stressed out. A councilor can help you work through these emotions and help you find more effective coping mechanism to deal with stress. Once you set the boundaries in your life and feel more in control, you will feel more control over your life and be alot happier for it. I wish you the best of luck.
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hey. first of all, i'm so so SO sorry you had to go through with all of this :( i'm only 18 but i can't imagine what it must have been like to be in your shoes. Another thing, i'm always here if you need someone to talk to ok? always.
Considering you're 20... you're legally an adult.. why don't you just move out?? sorry if it comes off in a rude way, but seriously.. i'm graduating in 3 months and going to college this fall. i'm 2 years younger than you and i'm already a step ahead of you because i'm moving out and you're still stuck with your mom.
I know it may seem like a bad thing to just leave, but in all honesty, if i were in your situation, i'd just pack my stuff and leave. you're legally an adult, you can legally do that. even if your mom throws a fit over it, id just leave to get away from all that drama. of course i would still keep in contact with her just in case there's an emergency and she needed you.. but its YOUR life. YOURS. not hers.. you're the one who is going to be living it in the next few years. YOU make those decisions, not her. at this point, she can only give you her opinions and advice, but she cannot tell you what to do. yes she will be mad if you move out, but you know what? don't you just want to prove to her that she can't control you anymore??
seriously. stop "talking" to her about it. stop "fighting" about it and JUST DO IT. telling her your feelings is not getting you anywhere. she may listen or not listen, but there's no way she will officially understand how you feel unless you TAKE ACTION AND DO IT.
moving out sends the message to her that you're a mature adult and ready to take on YOUR OWN LIFE. if you just talk about it, she won't believe it. but if you actually go ahead and do it, she will finally realize that you're serious about it and understand it more clearly.
you're 20.. you shouldn't have to deal with this anymore.. i can't believe you're still stuck in this situation. if i were you, i would have left the moment i knew things were getting out of control and just prove to her that this is my life not hers.
there's nothing really else you can do either.. i mean you can't really "talk" to her about it because it wont solve anything. the only thing i can really think of as a solution is to just move out and live your own life. get a job and get your own apartment and live your own life. soon enough, your mother will realize that she needs to let go and let you grow up and be an adult. you ARE an adult. you don't need to go through with this anymore. you and your mother need to face the truth.. 20 years old means its time to move out and start your own life.
hey dont be afraid to inbox me if you have any more questions ok?? i'm ALWAYS here to listen and help if you need anything ok? :)
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The bottom line: your mum needs help. It's not just a case of an overbearing parent anymore but it's that because of how your mum treats you and your relationship with her that is making you ill. You developed an eating disorder becaue of it and you relapsed because of it. It seems that you have done well to try to be a good daughter and you have exhausted every option you can to try to come to a compromise with your mother. Her behaviour isn't healthy and this is impacting negatively on you. It is time to do something about it.
I would urge you to present your mum with the oppertunity of speaking to a professional. Similar to marriage counselling, couples therapy deals with siblings, friends and parent/child relationsips. It gives you a chance to try to deal with your situation with the help of a neutral professional. It would be an excellent chance for someone to observe your behaviour and dynamics of the relationship and from there come up with an appropriate strategy to dealing with this. But it does take time. People and relationships do not change over night.
I also think it may be time for you to move out. Is there a chance you can move to a uni campus next semester? I think it would be much healthier for both you and your mum to have some time apart and find yourselves as individuals. And for you to move onto the next chapter of your life. University isn't just about dgrees but its an atmosphere of personal growth and change. It helps us find who we are as independant people and guides us to the start of the rest of our adult lives. You will be in a healthy environment.
Your mother will most likely be thoroughly against this, it doesnt seem she ever wants to lose her grip on you. She may throw tantrums, become hysterical, make threats. But this is where you have to be brave. You need to understand that you are not leaving or abandoning her, or being a bad daughter for wanting to move on with your life. You will still be apart of eachothers lives and you can visit, keep in touch and she will also have your grandparents and other family members to support her. But this seems like something you have to do and as a mother she has to let you go out into the big bad world some time.
Both of these routes will take much strength and bravery on your part and you have to be ready for what omes with that. But you are facing an adult decision here therefore you need to face this situation as the adult you want your mother to see you as. Think it over and bear in mind al factors of this situation and what really is right for you. You've got tough decisions to make. These are the responsibilities of being an adult.
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