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how to know if he is the rite one
hello i have been with my boy friend for pritty much 5 years and i am 20, he has been my first everything. my parents dont like him. he takes me out on dates calls me everyday to see how im doing and tells me im beautiful all the time. He has always had a temper but has never hit me, recently he had a problem with a house he just bought and cant fix it so when he gets mad he breaks glasses and windows and cabnet doors.he jokes about hitting me and this bothers me because i dont find it funny and he does. he says he cant hold me or cuddle with me because he feels he cant breath and he dosnt act like he enjoys kissing me even tho he says he does. he cant ever look me in the eyes. i am starting to realy feel lonley but i feel i should be here for him through thick and thin and hope things gets better or if i leave him im afraid ill regret it and never be able to get him back what should i do
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Guys like your boyfriend make me angry. You're not going to like what I have to say, but you need to hear it.
My ex boyfriend took me out a lot, too. He called me multiple times a day just to tell me he loved me, and that I was beautiful. He also had a temper problem. One night his temper scared me to the point that I wanted to get out of the house. When I was trying to run away from him, he caught me by the throat. If he had grabbed me slightly differently, he could've broken my neck and killed me. He never talked about hurting me or joked about it. He only told me how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
Abuse is NOT funny, period. He should not be joking about hitting you, and he should not be throwing things around. Among other issues, that is very dangerous. What an immature thing to do...How is breaking his house further going to help him fix it?
Anyway.
You're feeling lonely here because he's not giving you what you need. Scratch that, he's not giving you anything you need. He sounds like a very unstable person. There are different kinds of instability, and his is the kind that scares me.
He's doing one of two things:
He occasionally loses control completely, thus resulting in things being thrown and people potentially being hurt. He may not be aware of what he's doing. He may be slightly out-of-body when this happens.
OR
He's completely in control, and he chooses to be destructive. Unfortunately this means he's choosing to be dangerous to you and everyone around him. He may be covering up other emotions with anger (I've known a lot of guys who did that), but that's a very immature thing to do, and he may not realize the consequences if he "accidentally" hurts you.
Now, it's sweet and romantic that you want to be there for him through thick an thin, but that thought alone is what keeps 1 in 5 women in abusive relationships. "You don't leave someone just because they're mentally ill - you support them." That's true, but only to a point. You support them when they are a mild (or even severe) danger to themselves, NOT when they are a danger to YOU. When they are a danger to you, if you are not married, or blood-related, you walk away.
You may think his throwing things around and joking about hitting you is just a joke, but I can tell you from experience that this stuff happens every day, to so many people you'd never believe it. It's real, and you're in a dangerous situation.
Please don't let yourself become a statistic. You are not stuck with him. He may have been your first whatever, but that does not mean you have to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. Even if he isn't hurting you. If you're not happy, you can leave. You HAVE the option, and you're clearly considering it right now.
Regret is always scary. I was afraid of it, too. I loved that guy. We bought a house together and wanted to get married, and everything. But, I had to leave. I needed my life back, and my safety. I'm still hopeful that my prince charming is out there somewhere. :)
There are SO many guys out there...there are even guys who agree with you on the "abuse is not a joke" thing, who deal with stress like a normal person instead of throwing tantrums like a six-year-old. There are guys out there who will be in heaven when they kiss you and love it so much they can't stop. There will be a guy who will look you in the eyes and want to dive into their beauty. This guy isn't treating you right, and you know it.
I know how you feel. If you need someone to just talk to about this, my AIM screen name is SirenCytherea.
Your prince is out there, too. The only thing keeping you from finding him is you. Be brave.
Siren
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Your boyfriend has issues he needs to sort out, His anger is one of them. It is not funny to joke about hitting someone and guess what you should be taking that "joke" as a warning.
Let me explain a few things...
There is no getting better for your boyfriend, You can't wait until it all magically goes away. This is something your boyfriend needs to do on his own and how he begins is to seek professional help and possible anger management. I was once in a relationship for several years and my spouse had an anger issue as well. I put up with that crap for 6 years until I realized I'm wasting my time. If your boyfriend can't look you in the eyes, Well let me rephrase that one..That is the least of your worries. Your boyfriend makes remarks about hitting you, You need to leave. Waiting around isn't going to make things better for you and neither is talking to him. After 5 years assuming the subject has come up on several occasions...It won't phase him and like I said he needs to do this on his own. This is not a healthy relationship, There is a reason why your parents don't approve of him. Dump him, Cut all ties with him and focus on your life. There is nothing to regret. If you had to seek advice from us then obviously something is telling you that you aren't happy in the relationship and it's time to move on.
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