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How do I talk to my boyfriend about sex?
I'm 19. He's 18. When we first started going out (over a year ago) and started rounding the bases, he'd try to initiate sex. Like we'd be naked and making out on his bed, and he'd just give me this look, and we both knew what it meant - but I always shot him down because I wasn't ready at the time.
Then, last summer, I didn't turn him down. It didn't happen, however; he lost his erection about two seconds after he put the condom on.
He hasn't tried since. Once I took the initiative and asked if he wanted to do it, but still nothing happened 'cause he didn't have a condom (sigh.). And then he said something along the lines of "I don't have one 'cause I thought you wanted to wait 'til college". I made it clear to him that I was ready.
Well, we're in college now. And still, nothing's happened. I just want to know why he's stopped trying. Is he worried about a repeat performance of last summer? Is HE not ready? (We're both virgins) Is it me?
I want to ask him all this, but I don't know HOW. One time, I decided I'd just bluntly ask him, but the time came and I couldn't get the words out. I don't even know why. Yeah, talking about sex makes me uncomfortable. And I'm basically a girl asking for sex, that makes it worse. Not in my eyes, but in society's eyes, in which it's okay for guys to want sex, but if a girl does, it's whorish.
Anyway, sorry for ranting. So how does a shy, awkward human like me even START on this topic?
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This is not a conversation that you two should have in bed, but is a conversation that you two need to have. Performance anxiety will wilt an erection faster than anything you can think of. The reasons for this happening are many; to put it in a nutshell it is the result of realizing something you he has wanted and then fearing failure or even hurting you if you are a virgin.
If he is a virgin, regardless of how often he has masturbated, been the recipient of handjobs of blowjobs, his first trip into a vagina will be uncontrollable and it may be over even before it starts.
If you two can discuss these things before it happens and both of you understand that this is normal, then you can remove the anxiety for you both. When you get past the first time, young men recover extremely fast, change condoms and have s a second go.
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You need to get over your idea of how society perceives wanting sex. It's fucked up that you think that's true, it's not. It's understandable but it's not something you need to have fettering you as an adult.
You need to have some conversations without the pressure. Hell, if you need to, write him a letter. Get your thoughts out on paper and give it to him, and sign it "I want to talk to you about this, but I don't know how to start. Come talk to me when you're ready"
There's no easy way to step outside your comfort zone and have an awkward conversation. You've got to go for it, stuttering and being awkward the whole way. The second conversation won't be nearly as bad.
He's self conscious. Plan a day together naked in bed. Watch movies, play games, do whatever and entertain yourselves. Have sexual contact with each other, let him know it's ok to touch you and you want him to, and ask him if it's ok for you to do the same. Be sexually intimate to whatever degree comfortable, and have a condom ready for whenever the mood strikes. Make it clear that sex doesn't have to happen, but you both want it to and create an atmosphere of trust and fun openness that will let you both come to it as you're ready.
One of the biggest issues for young insecure inexperienced males is the perception that sex has to happen, that it's expected of him to perform. The same way your concept of purity or virtue is tied to whether you feel like a whore, his concept of himself as a man is tied to his ability to perform like one.
The best way to handle this is to find ways to take the pressure off. Let him know that you can be sexual, be intimate, be in sexual contact, and that there are no expectations other than enjoying each other's company.
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You need to be blunt with him. Talking openly and honestly is really important in a relationship, especially about issues like sex.
He's your boyfriend. You should be able to talk about things like this with him. You don't have to sound like you're 'asking for sex'. You just need to tell him what your feelings are on the issue and find out his. Take a deep breath and just say 'I want to talk about sex'. If it makes it easier, you could choose an intimate time (i.e. cuddling after a heavy make out session) as the subject is likely to be fresh on both of your minds. Of course it will be a little embarassing and awkward to begin with but you'll both appreciate the frank conversation. It's really important you both know where you stand on issues like this.
It could well be that he's worried about repeating what happened last time or it could be that he's changed his mind about being ready. Until you speak to him, it's all speculation. I'm sure he's feeling just as awkward as you are and he'll probably appreciate you initiating the conversation.
Remember though, if he isn't ready for it then don't pressure him or make him feel bad. Everyone matures at different paces and it's okay if he doesn't want to have sex with you at the moment.
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