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If your a parent read this; and comment; need opinions.
Im 18/f and I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months. I still live at home with my parents because Im a Senior in highschool. I have a job, and I've always made good grades.
What I don't understand is my parents. They say I need to learn how to make decisions on my own, and take responsibilty and what not, and I try. They don't let me. For my 18th birthday, my mom let me get a Hotel room with my boyfriend; (my dad didn't know he was staying) and for New Years, BOTH of my parents knew I was stayin at a Hotel with my boyfriend, ONLY. They didn't care.
Well, my boyfriends mom recently asked me if I would be allowed to stay the night; and when I asked my parents, they didn't even hear me out, they said NO immediately. It doesn't make any sense. They will let me stay at a hotel with NO adult, but not at his house or my house WITH adults there. Im 18 years old. I want to be treated like an adult, so I'll be somewhat prepared for when IM on my own. What should I do to make them see it from my point of view? I see it from theres because they don't want me to get knocked up or whatever, but Im not. Im smarter than that. My life is about to begin, im not going to screw it up now. I know the real world isn't easy, But I'd rather get just a lil taste of it now, than go head first, on my own, clueless, ya know?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I'm sure you have heard your parents say to you; "As long as you live in my house, you live by my rules." I know I did; I must have heard my father scream that at me a 100 times and each time I swore I would never say that to my children. Right, this is the parents favorite line to end all conversations when they have no good reason for drawing a line in the sand on any issue. I found myself using it and so will you.
It is a parents job to raise their children to know right from wrong. This job begins on the day we are born. We want to teach our children to become independent and that is where the problem comes in. For our entire lives as children we have been dependant on our parents. If our parents have done their jobs right we are very respectful of them and ask permission before doing something. As parents we have become accustomed to this relationship we are comfortable with it; it is safe. To put it another way child and parent have become co-dependent.
Now I am not suggesting that since you are 18 and legally an adult that you just do as you please; that would be disrespectful. What is happening with most parents is they have trouble letting their children spread their wings or let loose of the apron strings.
What I suggest is that first you sit down with your parents and have a very adult conversation with them. You start by telling them how much you love them and how you appreciate what they have done for them. Then you tell them that you hope to go off to college where you will be on your own without them there to support the decisions you make. You would and need to test what they have taught you with them close at hand to in a sense pick you up if you falter. They need to allow you to make some of your own decisions; if they see you making a very wrong one they should stop and discuss it with you. Otherwise they should allow you in a sense to get bruised up a bit so you learn from your mistakes with them close by.
You should of course use your own words. My son said something very similar to me when I tried to restrict him with under my roof spiel when he was your age. It worked well. Yes I still worry about him and I have good reason as he works as a paramedic/firefighter, but I trust him and I trust him to follow his training. But as a parent I/we will always worry about our children. This is what makes us parents who turn out great sons and daughters like you and my son.
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I can relate to what you're going through. I'm a parent, but my kids (10 and 6) aren't to that stage yet, thank goodness. The reason I can relate is because I remember being a young adult, living in my parents' house. And yes, it is awkward. I used to stay up there (I had a room to myself upstairs) with a girlfriend until quite late, and then the next day there were all these awkward looks, and strained questions, and it was just awful!
The fact is that they're just feeling their way here, just like you. The thought of your sex life makes them uncomfortable, just like the thought of THEIR sex life probably would make you uncomfortable, if you really had to think about it at all. As far as a night at the boyfriend's - they probably want to project a more cautious, straight-laced-parent image to your boyfriend's parents. And that's understandable. They gave you a gift of a hotel night with your boyfriend. Give them a gift back by (for now) delaying a night at your boyfriend's house.
All this silliness is only going to last another year or two at most. Be patient with them, and let them know - one adult to another - that you sympathize with their having to deal with a daughter who's suddenly on the verge of being independent. That attitude will help them relax faster.
Best of luck to you AND your parents!
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You're right. It doesn't make sense.
As a mother I'm guessing that your mom thought she was being an understanding 'friend' to you by letting you get a hotel (I have a feeling your dad wasn't really excited about the new year hotel, but mom convinced him), but after new year, they both started having second thoughts. When you came to them to stay over at your bf's place, they probably realized that they had started a trend, and now they're backtracking. Its not fair and its not right. They really should have NEVER let you get a hotel in the first place. Now they've changed the rules on you and that isn't helpful at all. You need to sit down and talk with them. tell them just what you said here. You don't understand why they were ok with it before, but not now. And try to understand where they are coming from. Its not that they don't trust YOU, its just they don't trust other people that may be around you. Sit down with them and see if you can work out a plan that will help you feel more independent and help them worry less about your safety. But keep in mind, as long as you live in their house you will never really be able to be fully independent. Their house, their rules, so do your best to get out there on your own as soon as you can, so you can really start making your own decisions, and dealing with the consequences on your own, as an adult.
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