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Father Issues
Okay so I haven't seen my father in years. He kicked me out and took me out of his will. I did try talking to him until I asked about my grandfather and he lied and said he was fine. My grandfather had been dead for three years before anyone told me. On top of that, in August I suffered a miscarriage and it still hurts. Now, my father is constantly sending me messages because another family member told him about it. He's calling me fat, ugly, useless, slut, and the one that hurts the most is baby murderer. Any ideas on what I can do about my father since he's being so childish?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
It is strange how so many fathers are nothing more than sperm donors. Favor one child over another and expect you to be there when they need you. Yes that will happen when he becomes old and needs someone to care for him.
In my situation I severed all ties with my father about ten years ago. In a letter I reviewed my entire life with him and told him exactly how I felt. What his childishness, insincerity and just plain selfishness has caused me. How he had hurt my wife and children and how I was not going to stand for it any longer. In short I told him where he could go and what he could do to himself.
Did it make me feel any better? Yes, for I also told him I wanted no further contact with him. He was out of my life no matter what.
Now this took place after being in therapy for depression due to chronic pain brought on by an auto accident I had been in. My father and I had been feuding for a time before the accident and he never inquired about me after the accident even though I was almost killed. That was the icing on the cake. If he had that little feelings for me I didn't need him in my life in any manner.
I've told you this for two reasons: First, you are not the first person to have this type of problem. Second, there are times when situations occur that there is nothing you can do to rectify them. You must put them behind you and move on. As an other advisor said you can chose your friends but not your family.
I would suggest you consider the following. Find a psychologist who will help you work through your feelings. I was seeing one and fought with her about going in this direction until she finally got it out of me. When she did it was the best thing that ever happened. With her help I came to terms with everything.
I would also recommend sending your father a letter which at the very least you tell him you wish not to hear form him. That he not call or write. If he does call, hang up. If he writes, send the letters back unopened.
It is hard realizing that a parent is not the typical parent we expect or deserve. In the long run they are the ones who stand to lose as they are the ones that miss seeing grandchildren grow. They are the ones that miss the many milestones that a young family has that others in you family will hopefully share with you. But as we grow our first obligation is to our own family, our children and our spouses.
Because of my father I almost learned that the hard way. Thankfully my wife is a strong women.
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You can't change your father. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose who we're related to, and you just happened to get a real winner.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on. Clearly, he doesn't want you in his life and he doesn't want to be a real father to you. Rather than beating yourself up over it, focus on finding good supportive role models outside your immediate family circle. Friends, uncles, aunts, in-laws... anyone who you trust and care about can be family to you.
I would also suggest that you seek counseling, because dealing with crap like what he's thrown at you can cause some lasting damage. You can't change how your father behaves, but you can change how you deal with his behaviour.
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