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boyfriend cheated???? need advice asap
im 21 years old...and heres my story , sorry if its short but i really need advice ,ok so i have a boyfriend who ive been in an on and off relationship for the past months, there was one time where we broke up for good like the other times we used to say we were broken up but kept comunicating and eventually got back...we were back now for good and things where better than ever, but i noticed there was a girl who has been trying to contact him like calling nonstop and texting alooot and he never replies to her messages he didnt wanted to tell me the complete story and kept giving excuses, today he had finally told me the truth, he told me during that time we were really broken up which was like 2 weeks... which is the only time i really felt we weren't gonna get back together, he told me he hooked up with this girl and they kissed , and thats why she's been trying to contact him cause she never felt like that with anyone or whatever, i dont blame her cause she didnt knew i existed , my point is..should i still be upset about this? it did hurted ALOT cause even during that time i was thinking we were gonna get back together and we kept speaking during that time but not like suggesting getting back just casual speaking, so i really dont know what to do now, please i need an advice i really gave my heart to him and eventho he tries to justify it by saying we were broken up, i still feel he cheated , cause we talked about this girl and he said nothing happened, and he told me he hasnt hooked up with anyone ever since we started dating which was february,
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Hey,
I'm sorry you feel that way for starters.
Basically, it's completely understandable and normal for you to feel hurt by this, but you have to realise the truth of the matter was that you both did split. It doesn't matter how long for or anything, it's just that you broke up. Which is permission go separate ways. I read you say, that you're relationship was on and off? Just think, why was it on and off? Why not just "on"? It means it wasn't working right from the beginning, and even though you must've broken up a couple of times, you went straight back to him. To him that indicates that you're no longer a challenge. That he can hurt you whenever but you'll come back all the time. If the relationship is on and off all the time and you kept going back shows the damage of the relationship is doing nothing but bringing you back each time. So he probably thought that it's not that serious that you both broke up and that he must've got bored with the same routine and hooked up with some other girl while you both were split up. If YOU feel somethings not right then go with you're sensible instinct and end it, before you get hurt even more.
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He didn't cheat.
I know you may feel betrayed, but, honestly, the guy didn't do anything that was truly bad. You have no reason to feel like he cheated because, honestly, you two had made it clear that you weren't an item any longer.
You two were broken up. You acknowledged the break up. He acknowledged the break up. Even if -you- -felt- like you two were going to get back together, things just weren't final yet. Nobody had kissed and made-up yet at that point.
It's like this:
You FEEL like today should sunny and beautiful with a light breeze and birds chirping but when you step outside it's rainy and dreary.
While you can be disappointed that what you THOUGHT should happen hasn't, you can't really get mad over the situation. You had no agreement with the weather so you can't get angry.
The guy may be as faithful as they come, but when you break up then you're broken up. He has no obligation to remain "yours" when you two have called it quits--even if you called it quits 2 days before the incident. Break-ups are suppose to be permanent things. They aren't suppose to be thrown around lightly and done when you get a little angry over meaningless tidbits of life.
You can't get mad for a guy going out with another girl after you two have broken up. Toying with a relationship where you break up, knowingly going to get back together again, is just asking to be hurt. It's asking for more drama.
If you start realizing that break-ups are a final end to a relationship then maybe things would go a little smoother. Right now you're in a limbo. What is the guy suppose to think? He says, "Break ups are final...but she never seems to let them be final...but it's what break-ups are suppose to be..." Confusing!
A break-up is like the dating form of a divorce. You have realized you two are not compatible and there is no saving the relationship so you end things just as a married couple decides that the marriage isn't right for them. If a couple got married and divorced each other 4 times in 1 year everyone would look at them like they were crazy. Dating isn't marriage though so a break-up once or twice in the duration of the relationship is fairly acceptable.
So, while you may have decided you wanted to wait around to see if you two could get back together, he may have understood the relationship to be finally over and had tried to move on so he didn't dwell on the past. You can't really blame him. It's what people do. Some people will dwell and mope and be sad about the loss while other people cope by moving on, moving forward, and trying to keep their minds off of the situation.
When you were really hurt and emotional, haven't you done something you later regretted? It could even be something like this. He could have thought the relationship was probably over, was a bit emotionally hurt, and ended up doing something stupid. We all have times where we say or do something stupid when we're hurt.
Talking, unfortunately, is just talking. If you want to get back together then stop beating around the bush. Having a few phone calls and conversations isn't anything firm so you can't expect the guy to be a mind-reader and think that things are going well when you haven't SAID, "Hey, I think the break-up was a mistake and I'd like to mend this." No matter how much you feel he knows you, he isn't a mind-reader.
"Casually speaking" is just friendly. It doesn't mean you will get back together after a break-up. If you want your feelings to be clear and understood then you have to say them and take the risk of him saying, "I don't want to get back together."
It can really hurt when you find out your ex moved on really quick after the break-up. It doesn't mean they're cheaters at all though. It doesn't mean they've betrayed their ex-partner. It just means they're coping differently and understand "break-up" to mean what it was intended to be--a "end" to a relationship. It can hurt and feel like they didn't care, but it doesn't mean they've done anything bad.
You need to sit down and talk with him about the lying part of the situation where he said he hadn't done anything with the girl. That is the problem here. The problem isn't that he actually kissed her (or anything else that may have happened). The problem is that he wasn't honest and upfront when you asked him about her.
Talk with him. Figure out why he didn't tell you the truth right away. It could have been an innocent thing where he thought kissing "didn't count" as anything. It could be something like he was afraid it would hurt you. It could be that he was just lying to you for kicks. The only person who really knows is him, and once you figure it out you two can work on breaking those barrier so that the next time something like this might happen he can be honest and upfront right away when asked.
Talk about break-ups with your guy and what they should be versus what you two have been using them as. If you need space, then take some space, but if you're going to remain each-others then a break-up is entirely the wrong term to be throwing around.
Explain that you were hurt because you thought you two were getting back together, but that it was your own fault because you hadn't made those feelings very clear with him when you two had been talking.
Communication is absolutely the key to making any relationship work out. If you play guessing games then that's all the relationship will ever be. You have to say, "I am hurt because of x, y, and z," so your partner has a chance to say, "I didn't mean to hurt you but a, b, and c."
Lastly, your boyfriend needs to talk to the girl who has been hanging onto what she thinks will become more. Just like you, she thinks that them talking is something more than just a friendship. It hurts, doesn't it? He needs to call her and say something nice but firm, like, "Hey, I know you've really been wanting to talk but I've gotten back together with my girlfriend and I really don't think it's appropriate for us to be friends. It's just too uncomfortable for me and my girlfriend. I'm sorry if you felt there was more connection between us than there was, but I didn't purposely make you feel that way. I'd appreciate it if you stopped calling so frequently because it's worrying my girlfriend and it's making me uncomfortable too. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner but I wasn't really sure what to say exactly." He may have not said anything to her because he's embarrassed over the entire situation or is afraid she'll do something emotionally uncomfortable (crying, screaming, etc) and make him feel terrible for being honest about his feelings toward her. You need to encourage him to confront the situation with clear, direct information.
So, forgive and forget this sort of thing. He didn't cheat. He didn't betray you. Your feelings are what has gotten in the way. A break-up needs to be CLEAR and FIRM when it happens. If you intend to remain faithful to each-other then use a different (DEFINED) term with each-other. Talk all of this over.
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I would think long and hard to whether the relationship is worth being in for several reasons
You've been on and off for several months, Here you two have been rocky to begin with.
You're boyfriend said he kissed a girl while you two technically took a break from one another for 2 weeks. Guess what, Kissing her is all you know do you know for sure that it wasn't anything more than that? I would assume so by the desperate attempts of trying to get a hold of him but again lets not jump the gun just yet
Has your boyfriend told her to stop texting him?...If not then I would wonder why he hasn't after all he is in a relationship with YOU. The truth, You may never get the truth out of your boyfriend only your instincts can tell you what the truth may be. I would suspect your boyfriend isn't exactly telling you the entire story. Think about the relationship, Is an on and off what you really want?
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