|
he is annoying
my boyfriend is annoying..
he's a year younger than me (i'm 18) and he's only been in 1 relationship prior to me. i honestly feel like i have to teach him everything. how to act, what to say, what to expect blah blah blah..
i'm a huge feminist. i believe that women can pay for their own things and i dont like getting anything without me earning it..
he always buys me things. no matter what it is. candy, water, pencil, book.. at first it was sweet, but now its to the point where i want to yell at his face like "seriously stop! i can buy stuff for myself. i dont need to depend on you for money" i've tried talking to him about it once but he keeps doing it..
another thing that irritates me about him is that he wont accept the fact that i have personal stuff that i dont want to tell him about. like just now.. he asked me what i'm doing tomorrow and i said just personal stuff. not a big deal. none of his business. then he starts accusing me of lying. asking if another guy is involved. i tell him the truth- no. i'm not hiding anything from him. its personal and i prefer not to share it with him.. he still wont leave it alone. then he starts b*tching me out about hiding things from him and how he has to know these things.. i b*tched him back out saying "its my life. you dont need to know every single thing that happens. there are things that i want to keep to myself. and this is one of them. its nothing bad. i'm not cheating on you. i'm not doing anything bad. its just something i dont want to share with you. so leave it alone." and he just wont stop bugging me about it.
its gotten so bad to the point where i told him "when you finally learn how to respect me and treat me right- come talk to me. because right now you're acting like an overcontrolling jackass"
i just dont know what to do anymore. we have been dating for about 3 months and he's very sweet sometimes and i like him a lot, but there are times when i just want to yell at his face and cry because he is so annoying and causes a lot of drama and fights..
what do i do? everytime we try to talk about it, we end up fighting. help!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You already know what the answer is...the best thing that you can do is introduce him to someone else. You seem better off in a solitary lifestyle. You seem too independant to be in a relationship, especially w/ young hopeless romantic. Why attempt to date when you're not ready to include someone in your life? You sound like a very strong woman. Was this a relationship founded on sex? Three months isn't very long to be in a serious relationship...if you're not ready to take the next step w/ him by working on your communication (and respect) then it's time to move on.
Best of luck Chicka.
]
Dump him. You are not a good match for one another.
Also, consider this: Being a feminist doesn't mean you stop acknowledging and respecting the feelings of men.
Men have just as many feelings, and just as valid feelings, as women. It's not fair to shut them out, and shut them down, without offering the opportunities to engage with you on a level you are comfortable with. You are going to keep on having this problem, if you don’t learn that men’s feelings deserve as much respect and honour as you give your own. I’m not saying you need to change your beliefs, and I'm not saying this guy is a good boyfriend for you, he isn't, but the way you have talked about expressing yourself here is your question is ungenerous and problematic.
Your behaviour here, as you've expressed it, has crossed the line from self-actualized and a strong individual, to a place of coldness and a lack of a respect for the feelings and thoughts of others. You have not mentioned giving your partner any opportunities to succeed. You have only drawn lines in the sand, and declared his failures.
I also consider myself a very strong feminist and humanist. An important part of that means that I have to respect other people and believe that other people have the same right to emotional lives and agency as I do. I can still choose who is right for me and who isn’t (and it sounds like this guy isn’t right for you) but I don’t get to tell them how to feel, or how to behave. I get to ask, negotiate and inform.
Not wanting someone to buy you things is fair. However, not realizing that they are attempting to show affection in a way that is comfortable for them is not okay. Asking them to change without suggesting to them alternate courses of action is not kind, telling a boy “Don’t buy shit for me!” is different from saying “Look, I don’t like this. I know you are trying to show you care, but this doesn’t make me feel cared for. The kind of things that make me feel cared for is when you listen to me, or rub my feet, or run up and give me a hug when you are happy to see me, or INSERT WHAT DOES WORK FOR YOU HERE.”
When you simply say NO, all the time, you are setting yourself up for a fight, because it’s hard enough to change a behaviours that comes naturally to us, it’s even harder without a suggestion of what other behaviours could be engaged in.
Same goes for “I don’t want to talk about it.” Did it occur to you, for a second, to think of something you DID want to talk about with him, and suggest it? Had you considered that instead of shutting him out entirely, saying something like “I’m gonna have a quiet day, maybe watch TV. I’ve got this appointment in the afternoon I’ve got to go too, but I really don’t want to talk about it… What are your plans?”
It would have had the same effect in the end, but without the cold lack of concern for his feelings that simply saying "I'm not telling you." has.
If you, in your relationship, start to Black Out entire days and weekends, your partner has a legitimate beef with you. You aren’t treating them like a partner. You are using your feelings and agency to beat them into the ground with a stick and deny thiers, rather than expressing yourself, and respecting their expressions.
None of this means this guy you are dating is a good match for you – he obvious isn’t. He might geuninely be a controlling jackass, but you might also be a stonewalling bully.
Don't change your stances on feminism, but take a good long look at how you express yourself in the future, or you are going to continue to get into combative relationship where respect on both sides is problem. You are not sucessfully asking for what you need, negotiating bounderies, or respecting others.
]
hey...
lol i was also in the same situation not so long ago so i know the feeling when your bf treats you like a two year old and you cant really say anything coz you scared to hurt his feelings and when you try to say it nicely u guys end up fighting...
you should tell him that he needs to give you space to do ''girly'' tings and that yourl need to respect each others space bcz he is going to drive you away. tell him dat u were brought up to be independent so he should stop being so clingy and let you have some time to yourself... tell him that he needs to understands where you coming from because its annoying to fight for every small thing.
try not to be too hard on him as you are his 2nd girlfriend altough try to hint that he should grow up abit..
if this does not work... then you need to ask him for some time out because if he cant listen and understand you now , he never will...
gudluck:)
]
More Questions: |