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Boyfriend Problems
17/f
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 20 months now. We havent had sex yet, but we have been talking about it recently. I love him to death but I am really upset right now and am not sure how to talk to him about it.
More or less, our relationship is great. Hes everything I could ever want. However, it seems whenever he goes out with a few certain friends that he does whatever he can to upset me. Last night, as a joke he randomly texted me (after not talking to me all day) "So Im going to go get drunk with A and B and go to a strip club. Love you. Bye" Hes just started university so I understand he may want to try new things (drinking is fairly new to him too) but I was just a little hurt by the blatant wording. A half an hour later he told me it was a joke, but by that point I was already a little upset, and I feel bad for getting so upset over something so stupid.
Then around 1am, I get a message saying that he was sorry he couldnt talk at all cause he was playing video games and watching movies with his friends. I was a little annoyed, being woken up for that, and replied back that i understand but with some sarcasm.
He then swore and said he fucked up enough tonight. I was kind of confused, and just asked if he was simply refering to the lack of communication and the mean joke. All he replied was "Ive been a terrible boyfriend tonight..." So I asked him again, and for the next 3 hours I pretty much ended up being worried and upset, asking him to explain. Everytime he did text me back (about once an hour) he sort of changed the subject.
I love him, and I very much doubt he cheated on me or anything. Im more hurt that he could tell I was upset and scared and seemed completely unphased and couldnt be bothered to tell me he just meant cause of the joke and such. I feel asleep around 4am or so, I didnt really hear from him after about 3am, and I told him to let me know when hes awake so I can call him.
I dont want to get into a fight, we dont fight very often, but Im just really angry that he let me stay up and be upset for so long and still hasnt answered my question. How do I tell him this without getting into a fight? I just feel as if when hes with those friends, he tries to say things to upset me, and its getting to the point I really cant take it.
Sorry if this sounded really stupid and childish, I just dont know what to say to him...
Thank You
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There's no way around it, but to openly talk to him about it. You can word things differently, to not sound so accusingly. Make sure when you talk to him about it, it doesn't sound like you are accusing him of things. Because if he feels like he walking into a battle field, he might most likely back off and not answer your questions and start a fight. But you do deserve an explanation. His friends does not seem like a positive influence on him. But, please whatever you do, do not start a sexual relationship with him now. It seems like your boyfriend do not know what he wants. He seems like he is confused.
I hope for the best. Best of luck. :)
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The way to talk to him about it ... is to talk to him about it. I know it's hard, but since this is obviously bothering you, you should speak to him about it in a calm, non-confrontational way. You don't have to pick a fight with him, and you don't have to create drama. If this were me, I would say (IN PERSON, not via text): "Hey, you know the other night when you texted me to say you'd been a really bad boyfriend? That confused me; I didn't know what you meant, and I'd like to understand what you were trying to tell me. Can you tell me more about that?"
You don't have to be accusatory; you don't have to make him feel like he's walking into a minefield. But you do deserve an explanation.
It also sounds as if the friends he's with aren't the greatest influence on him, and it seems to me that the texts he sends you are confessional in nature rather than a deliberate attempt to upset you. However, if you are feeling that you are reluctant to trust him, and that he may be seeking new and different experiences which will negatively affect your relationship, please don't start a sexual relationship. That will make it more confusing for you, and harder to end the relationship if it becomes clear that he's not a good emotional investment. You need to be sure you are standing on solid ground before you take that next step. And that means initiating a conversation with him about your concerns. His response will tell you a lot about who he is. If he belittles you, or doesn't take your concerns seriously, you need to consider what you're getting from the relationship. You're only 17, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't make the mistake of getting further involved with a guy if he doesn't respect your feelings.
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