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Please edit my essay ASAP!
Please list any suggestions, comments on my format, and whether I used the 1st person, 2nd, 3rd, etc correctly, whether I should have split the paragraphs into more paragraphs. If so, at which line), any mistakes I should fix, should I not have ME capitalized, and are my information/sentences properly grouped together, or is my thought process scrambled everywhere? Certain information was blocked for privacy issues.
I know that it might have the word "you", etc, but this isn't for English class and it didn't specify how they wanted the essay to be so I thought I'd have it like this instead of the complex grade 12 english essays that I usually come up with.
Why Volunteering is Important to Me
As one gets older, they notice things. I first discovered the inequalities in life when I turned on the television as a child and discovered that people in Africa needed sponsors because they suffered from famine. As I have grown older, I have noticed people in need wherever I go. I see the homeless, the massive hospitals, the nursing homes, the retirement homes, the crumbing buildings, the results of disease, and people that are suffering day to day in life with their own problems. I see the sadness that fills up these areas and thought of not only what they can do to make their lives better, but what I can do to make their lives easier. From then on, I visualized on how I could turn my observations into something positive.
When my father immigrated to Canada, he and the others stayed in a refugee camp. It was volunteers of --------, Ontario that raised a petition and enough funding to pay for a house for him and the other refugees to live in. The volunteers were always there when someone needed them. They took time and money from their own hands to buy them clothes, foods, and even drove them home to and from school. My dad got to where he is today because of what the volunteers did. No matter how busy he is, he always take time off to volunteer at the Food Bank every once in a while.
No, you don’t get paid for volunteering. No, you will not get any special benefits like dental insurance. It is so much more. Volunteering is giving help, and lending a hand to others without expecting anything in return. Volunteering means being able to just make that one person’s gloomy day be so much better. It’s the feeling you get knowing that you made just a bit of a difference in someone and some peoples’ lives. I wish that one could feel the joy that I receive when I take a walk with an elderly. Or finish sorting out a pile of papers that one worker will have one less pile to sort. Money doesn’t give you happiness. The memories do.
It is always good to know that when you need someone to talk to at the hospital, there is always a volunteer to offer you the right words. Volunteering builds character, self esteem, and gives you a chance to interact with different personality types that a student like me would not normally encounter in school. It is also a great learning experience.
With my early volunteering in the healthcare field, I was able to set myself ahead of other healthcare driven students in my class. The skills I learned helped me through my first job in a healthcare setting and I’m using those skills now in my Co-op placement at the --------- General Hospital.
Helping others is really a way of helping yourself. Volunteering encourages youth to care about the world around them. Volunteering is what has gotten ME here today and has helped me greatly. Volunteerism will be a habit me mine that will lead me to a lifelong commitment to helping the community. I have concluded that by volunteering, I could work in a group, and together, we can reconstruct what it truly means to have humanitarian values. This, is why volunteering is important to me.
thank you so much!
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There was a bit of rewording that should have been done, in my opinion. The usage of "one" coupled with "you" and even "me" really doesn't "go" together at all. I know this isn't for you English class though so you might be a little slack in the sentence structure department but I did make a few appropriate changes below for you to look at and think about. You certainly don't need to use the below material but I thought if I provided you the same work that is written in a slightly better style you could pinpoint a few of your basic errors. Of course, the below work is far from perfect since I didn't want to create an entirely new essay but I do think you'll read it and get a few of ideas for future assignments like this.
For note:
Never capitalize the word "me" in writing. The word "me" is not your name or any type of formal name so it does not ever merit a capitalization of any sort (of course, unless it is, say, an abbreviation or the specific name of an organization).
Your first or second sentence of each paragraph should give a very brief summary of what the paragraph is going to talk about.
Your very first paragraph within the writing should always have one sentence (near the beginning to middle) that provides a very brief single sentence about what each following paragraph will be discussing, or the overall jest of the upcoming writing.
Your very last, final paragraph should summarize the above material again in one or two sentences.
All paragraphs should be at least 3 sentences long, preferably 5 in a well-written assignment.
It's usually the best idea to avoid using the word "me" in essays.
You usually should choose between "you" or "one" in a paper but not use both. The word "one" is more formal and generally more acceptable.
You should always write words like "it's, there's, doesn't, can't" out into two words like, "it is, there is, does not, cannot." It makes the work flow better.
You did a great job though!
Here is what I did for a few minor changes:
Why I Feel Volunteering is Important
As a person gets older, they notice many things like the value of volunteering. I first discovered the inequalities in life when I turned on the television as a child and discovered that people in Africa needed sponsors because they suffered from drought and famine. As I have grown older, I have seen people in need wherever I go such as the homeless, the massive hospital overflow, the crowded nursing homes, the influx of retirement homes, the crumbing buildings, the results of widespread disease, and ordinary people that suffer from day to day struggles. Sadness fills up many areas within myself and the thought of not only what someone can do to make their lives better, but what a single person can do to make their lives easier becomes an attainable goal. I began to visualize how I could turn my observations into something positive.
When my father immigrated to Canada, he and others stayed in a refugee camp. It was volunteers of --------, Ontario that raised a petition and enough funding to pay for a house for the refugees to live inside. The volunteers were always there when someone needed them. They took valuable time and money away from their own hands to purchase clothing, food, and provide transportation to and from school. My father's achievements stem from the care the many volunteers gave so freely to him. No matter how busy he is, he always take time off to volunteer at the Food Bank every once in a while.
Volunteering is giving help, and lending a hand to others without expecting anything in return. A person does not get paid for volunteering, or receive any special benefits like basic dental insurance. Choosing to volunteer means being able to make one person's gloomy day be so much better, and this concept helps to fill a void deep within our souls. The value comes from the feeling of getting to knowing that one single person made just a bit of a difference in others' lives. I wish that one could feel the joy that I receive when I take a walk with an elderly gentleman, or finish sorting out a stack of papers so that one hard worker will have less paperwork to sort. The memories of being able to help another human being is more worthwhile than any monetary value.
Volunteering builds character, self esteem, and gives you a chance to interact with different personality types that a student like me would not normally encounter in school. It is comforting to know there will always be a volunteer to offer support at hospitals, nursing homes, and various care centers, and that they will receive great emotional reward for their time and efforts. It is also a great learning experience to watch volunteers assist people in need.
The skills I learned from volunteerism have assisted me through my first job in a health-care setting. My early days as a volunteer in the health-care field set me ahead of other students and created a drive within me like no other. I am carrying those learned skills to my co-op placement at the --------- General Hospital, and reaping the emotional benefits each day.
Volunteerism has touched my life greatly and assisted me in more ways than originally expected. It has become a persona habit that I believe will lead me through a life-long commitment to helping my local community. Helping others is really a way of helping one's self. Volunteering encourages youth to care about the world around them. I have concluded that by regularly volunteering, a person could work in a helpful group or organization, and together, can reconstruct what it truly means to have humanitarian values. This, is why volunteering is important to me.
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