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I feel unappreciated.
I've been with my boyfriend for five years. Last year we broke up but then got back together 5 months later. We've almost been back together for a year. We broke up becos I felt unappreciated, there was no romance, and it got so boring that I was going crazy. It's actually worse since we've gotten back together. There's never any thank yous or appreciation shown when I do things for him. He helps me out financially so I feel indebted to him. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision if I leave. Where do you draw the line?
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Where I come from, someone who trades sex for money is called a whore. I bet it is the same where you live. ;)
Are you serious? What a princess is right! he pays for stuff and you are basically like a hooker who bitches even when she gets paid. how ungrateful are you? seriously? bet you treat him awful and he doesn't complain like this bitchfest you put up on the internet about him!
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Hi there,
You know, the funny thing is that this is so typical. The problem you describe is practically the reason couples therapy was invented.
Please understand that anyone here can only go by the information you have provided. With that in mind, I have the following thoughts:
Couples therapy. This is obviously something you feel you need to be happy, and something that obviously isn't important to him. Only one way to fix that, and that is to talk it out in a moderated setting.
He helps you financially, so you feel indebted to him... but not appreciated? He is paying for things. Typically this is how men show appreciation.
As for the lack of romance, well, 5 years is certainly past the honeymoon phase. There is a huge difference between the day to day business of maintaining a relationship and the initial "getting to know you" phase.
If you are expecting first date romance 5 years or more into a typical relationship, that isn't likely to happen.
It can happen... but only if you BOTH agree to make it work, and then work at it every day.
It isn't something one person can do. Trust me on that one.
It is very tempting, when reading what you written here, to think: "What a princess mentality!" The only thing that gives pause to that idea is that you are willing to leave the money.
As for where you draw the line:
Simply put: You draw that line wherever you aren't happy.
If his line in the sand and your line don't match up, one or both of you are doomed to be miserable.
The thing to remember is that a relationship is work. It can be very much like a job, in fact. When you are unhappy at work, you can try to fix the reasons for your unhappiness (that would be couples counseling in this case) or you quit, and find another job.
In your case there must be a reason that you got back together. You don't mention love... you just mention that he gives you money. As that is the only reason for being with him that you mention, my suggestion would be to break it off.
If he actually loves you, and is just bad at showing it (very typical for men and women to show this differently) then, with you only being worried about the money, it would be doing him a favor if you left.
If you do love him, and just forgot to mention that here, then couples counseling is really, seriously, the only hope you two have.
You mention things getting boring... well, that is likely to become more so with time. If you can't handle it now, believe me... that 10th year will be worse.
See, when you talk with him, you may be saying some of the same things that you are expressing here. If he feels like you are just with him for money, which is what your question indicates, then of course there is no romance!
Who is going to be romantic with someone who views them as a checkbook?
If he has gotten this vibe from you, it will not be easy to fix. Even if that isn't how you meant it, once he gets that idea in his head you are going to have to prove that it isn't true.
Again, it is time for some help. A good counselor will help you two to reach a common level of communication. As soon as you get there, you will know right away if you have any future together.
I wish you both all the best.
P.S. If you are as unhappy as you state, then don't be afraid to leave... you would be doing him a favor. Nobody wants to be with someone who thinks of them as unappreciative, boring and unromantic. You don't want to be with someone like that, right?
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Well, if you're not going to have an adult discussion to express your true feelings towards the lack of "spark" in this relationship then you need to get out now. Sitting down and talking things out is a rational way to handle this situation. He can't read minds and you can't convey your message to him about being under appreciated if you never tell him there is a problem or how to fix it for optimal happiness.
This is a part of any long-term relationship. It's referred to as the comfort factor. He's become comfortable with you. You're basically a part of himself. Does he thank himself for going grocery shopping? Nope, but it doesn't mean he doesn't like or appreciate it. He just kind-of forgets that it's important to say, "Hey...thanks for that...really."
You're doing him a favor by leaving if you haven't sat down and talked with him yet and are debating on just up and leaving. Adults sit down and say, "I am not happy. I wish you would do x, y, and z. THAT would make me happy. Can we please work something out here so I feel better? I love you but I'm becoming very unhappy with this current situation. I NEED x, y, and z to happen or this cannot last any longer." Adults don't just get up and walk out one day because they never chose to express their deepest desires to their partner.
You can either be an adult and try to salvage the relationship by talking with him like an adult.
Or
You can leave and spare him the heartache when you finally blow up and freak out on him from bottling all of this stuff up inside of you. Bottling stuff up doesn't get you anywhere.
The choice is yours.
Save it or don't. It can only go two ways from here. It's completely your decision. If you want to make it work then you have to talk to him. Sometimes it takes more than one talking to to get your point across and your thoughts clearly expressed.
As a late note: If you never express your dislike about something then how will he ever know? How will he ever stand a chance at pleasing you? You can't really just say, "I feel like you don't appreciate me!" because it doesn't REALLY get your message across. What doesn't he appreciate, specifically? What can he do to make it better? He can't read minds. He doesn't think exactly like you. You have to clear, specific, and willing to have a little "give" in YOUR wants. Think about it.
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Well , I think it should end now. Look at it , you get back together and your not happy , and like you doesn't show you any affection , no romance , you even said it was boring , so don't waste your time. If you think you can be with him financially , that's not a good start. Money can never over power love and you need to realize that. Don't ever choose a guy or take one back because of the money , you'll be miserable. I'd say don't waste your time. My advice to you is draw the line where you want it to be drawn because so far you have showed you don't like him , but then again your in for the debt. Don't take the wrong way. There's so many guys out there that you can feel so much better around , don't waste your time on yourself precious.
Good luck girl : )
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