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blame shifting, could this be a bigger issue?
My boyfriend doesn't take blame for things, its ALWAYS someone else's fault, never his. He will make me feel guilty for things that have gone wrong in his life, that he was actually fully responsible for.
Its not a huge issue for now, but its just something that I've been noticing. I haven't talked to him about it YET, and I don't think he realizes that it kind of hurts me.
Could this be a bigger issue? I know its one of the signs of an abusive person, but otherwise he treats me well and respects me. He takes good care of me and is loyal.
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Open lines of communication are so vital to a healthy, respectful relationship, and they're some of the most difficult things to establish.
I picked up some tones of resentment in your inquiry, which makes perfect sense when you're feeling unseen or like your thoughts and feelings aren't being considered. And sometimes feeling enables our defenses.
I must suggest relaxing, it's better for your general sense of well being and will allow you to see things from a clearer and more thoughtful perspective. If you want him to understand your concerns it's a good idea to be understanding of him as well.
If and/or when a situation arises which appropriately calls for his accountability, try to treat this situation as if it is the first and only situation of it's kind. If he doesn't take accountability for this situation, try not to include any frustration that you may have that would reflect any previous history of these types of situations. This keeps it simple for you and hopefully approachable for him.
Own your feelings, remembering that no one has power over you and therefore doesn't have the power to "make" you feel anything. This doesn't mean that you don't or shouldn't be feeling effected by his lack of responsibility. Your feelings will almost always be valid and you should feel good about standing by their validity.
Saying something like, "When you said this about this I felt like you might've felt that it was somehow my fault. And I want you to understand that it is not my fault, though I do understand that it totally sucks(ed)." A response like this allows you to stand up for yourself, point out your concern with where the blame is being placed (which gives him the opportunity to actually look at where it should be placed, if any), and validate not only your feelings but his as well.
This may or may not be the exact answer for you and your situation, but it's worth a shot, and actually I suggest trying it on 2 or 3 occassions before you toss it out.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
Good luck,
Jaime :-)
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It may not be a sign of an abusive person, but it is definitely a sign of an angry person. That's still someone you need to watch out for. I don't know how close you are to him, but perhaps you need to tell him you've noticed this about him. Of course he'll try to blame YOU, but the point is, maybe no one has ever really said it out loud to him. If you do choose to talk to him about this, do it in a time of peace, not sometime when he's angry or you're arguing. Do it when you are both together just hanging out and being normal. Be gentle and reasonable. Tell him that you are worried about him. It seems that he never takes responsibility for his choices and always blames others and it makes him seem immature. Tell him you care for him and you don't want to see this become a big issue in his life, one that could keep other people in the future from getting to know all the really amazing things about him. Be prepared for him to be hurt and be angry. If you care for him you'll be able to handle that, because you know you are saying what you are saying out of love. Gently remind him that if EVERY situation is someone else's fault, maybe he needs to think about the fact that it really might be him. He's the common factor. Then leave it alone. Let it simmer. Even if it seems like he's dismissing you at first, from what you say about him, he seems like he really values you, and when he has time alone he WILL think about what you said. In the meantime, just keep your eyes open for other behavior that makes you wary. Like I said, I don't think this means he would be abusive, but still, its better to be fully aware of ALL aspects of the person you choose to be with. Good luck!
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