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A male friend who seems obsessed
I'm a 20 year old female and my friend is a 22 year old male. We've been friends off and on for about 5 months. He likes me in a romantic way but I don't feel the same and I've made this clear to him. He ended our friendship a couple of times because he said it's too hard being friends with me since he likes me so much. After he ends our friendship he always ends up calling me saying he still wants to be friends. The most recent time he ended it, he called 5 days later saying he missed me. He said that those 5 days were so hard for him and that he even lamented over me. He's very emotional and dramatic. He calls me everyday and tries to talk for hours, he wants to hang out all the time and says he loves me. If I tell him I can't hang out he says, "If we can't hang out I'm gonna cry I swear to God." He says he often cries over me, especially if I don't give him a hug when he drops me off at home. He never wants to include other people when we hang out and says that there are certain activities that only we can do together because it's special. It's like he doesn't want to share me with anyone else. At this point he's really creepy and clingy. He can't go a day without talking to me and always leaves me voicemails. I don't know what to do because he doesn't give me space and he just drains me. I often feel like telling him to leave me alone and go away because he brings a lot of stress and drama in my life. I'm afraid that he might start stalking me because of the way he acts.
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You need to tell him to leave you alone. You are right that what is doing is not okay. It's obsessive and disturbing.
You'd be very right, very justified and very sensible to end the friendship completely.
I'd suggest you do it over e-mail.
Many people will say a friend 'deserves' a face-to-face, or at least a phone call. I think that changes when you are worried about stalking and abuse. Your own right to end this at a safe, comfortable distance, trumps anything you might owe him.
Also, e-mail lets you keep it really short, and really to the point.
In your position. I'd send something like this:
Dear WannaBeStalker,
I know I've told you before that I'm not interested in you romantically, but the way our friendship has been going is still making me feel uncomfortable, and like we have very different expectations from it.
I've decided I can't be your friend anymore given this extreme discomfort. I am sorry to hurt you like this, but I'd like you to respect my wishes and not call me or attempt to contact me anymore.
Thank you,
That way, you can ignore his calls and e-mails as much as you'd like, and keep records of him attempting to contact you as well. If he does cross the line, and do anything illegal or frightening, it will be good to have those voicemail, txts and e-mails saved.
Also, let everyone in your life know what is going on. Tell your parents, friends and people who can help to insulate you from him, and not give him any information or access. One of the best tools for stalkers (which you've already seen the start of) is trying to isolate their victim from everyone else, often through guilt or fear. One of the best things you can do is share your concerns with the people who care about you.
Good luck, and don't be afraid to call the police if you need too.
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This isn't just potential stalking like Dear suggested below, This is also obsession.
If this guy is crying over you, Calling you numerous times and trying to gain your sympathy by telling you he does these sort of things when you reject him then you need to back off on how much you hang out with him. In fact if it were my way, I think I would start to ignore him for awhile, If he calls DON'T call him back, If he texts..ignore it. This is creepy, This is immature and pathetic on some level that a 22 year old would act in such a manner. If he talks to you, Be stern with him simply address the situation by saying (I feel that we should not have contact with one another I have no interest in you and this has gone far enough) If he keeps it up then you SAVE all the voice mails, text messages and you save all the calls and you take it to the police as then you have a clear case of stalking, obsession AND harassment. Stand your ground, Don't beat around the bush.
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Start keeping a journal of all your encounters with him. Be sure to be specific about times and dates. This guy sounds like a potential stalker. He might not be, but just in case things get weirder down the road it would be good to have a record of his behavior. You're going to have to get a little drastic with this guy. He's making you uncomfortable. That's good enough reason to end the friendship without feeling like a jerk. Don't do it face to face. Next time he calls you to hang out, tell him his behavior has come to a point that its making you uncomfortable and you don't enjoy his company anymore. Say you didn't want to hurt him but he can't seem to stop being creepy, so you have to go your separate ways. Its important that you don't make it a CONVERSATION. Keep it short and sweet. It should be one side only, your side, even if that means you have to politely say good bye and hang up. Be sure to tell him you won't be accepting his calls anymore. Then change your number, pronto. Huge pain in the ass but so will his obsessive phone calls afterwards. Then try to walk a way without too much guilt. You tried your best. You just managed to attract the one creepy guy around. Your bad luck. You haven't done anything wrong and chances are strong that after a few weeks or months of NO contact (don't take calls, answer emails or return messages/ cut off all contact) he'll move on to some other sweet unsuspecting girl. Good luck to you.
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