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so visiting an ex
I have been dating someone for roughly 3 months now. Their last relationship was a very unhealthy, verbally and emotionally abusive one. My SO has decided that in order to move on in life, and our relationship, that visiting the ex to gain closure is necessary. The ex lives several hundred miles away. My SO intends on staying at the ex's apartment. I feel in general I have been really supportive, but I do have somer reservations, and am not comfortable with every aspect of this trip. In particular, do I have the right to ask my SO not to share a bed with the ex? Or is this something I should just expect (I do expect it, but should I make this expectation clear?)
thanks in advance
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No you should tell your SO not to share a bed with The ex thats not what closure is. Your SO can simply meet the ex for lunch and TALK. There doesnt have to be any intimacy between the two. More than likey if Your SO spends the night with the ex some old sparks will imerge and something may happen. He can get a hotel for the night, Why do u have to stay with the ex.
Just tell your so you rather have your so to get a hotel for the night because of the fact your not comfortable with the idea of staying the night in the exs apartment.
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Talk to him about it.
Ask him the real questions.
What is closure?
What will he do/ask/say to try and get closure?
Does he still want to sleep with her? Kiss her? Cuddle with her? Hug her?
This isn't really about what your 'rights' are - it's about clarity and understanding what his wishes are. It's about asking the tough questions you have and really hearing his answers, not just about where he will be sleeping, but about what his intentions are and what he hopes to achieve.
You probably have many questions, and the sleeping arrangements are just the ones you are fixating on. Start talking to him - not to make your 'expectations clear' but to clearly understand what his expectations are. Does he expect there will be hugs? Cuddling? Deep, emotional conversations with a lot of crying? Loud arguments? Sex? In all seriousness, the sleeping arrangements aren't going to keep them from having sex if that is what he wants, so the questions you need to hear clear answers to are not where he'll fall asleep, but are what he really wants to achieve on this visit.
If you are still nervous about where he is sleeping, I'm going to suggest the two most likely explanations for that nervousness in my mind:
One - You don't believe the reasons he's given you for going. You suspect him of not telling you (and possibly not even telling himself) the whole truth of what he wants.
Two - You are generally nervous (which is okay), but that nervousness is leading you to forget that even if they DID share a bed, your boyfriend will still not have sex with her if he doesn't want too. He will not kiss her if he doesn't want too. He will not even have deep emotional conversations, if he doesn't want too.
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Yeah, you're right to feel suspicious about this. It sounds a little weird to me. Your SO is going to visit an abuser. Abusers thrive on manipulation. SO is walking straight into the den of the abuser who lured SO there in the first place. You have the right to ask about the details of this trip and to ask about sleeping arrangements. Just be careful because you may not like what you hear.
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