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I don't know how long I can keep doing this
I have a daughter dx with depression at age 10. It has been a long battle of medicines, doctors and fragile emotions....she is now 19. I have done everything I know to do.meds, doctors, counseling. At 19 she is a good student and she is a beautiful young lady. She has many admirable traits...except her depression keeps her from so many things. She refuses to take initiative in her treatments, she will not follow doctors orders, she will not assume any responsiblity for her recovery at all....I am at wits end. It seems all of her disrespect, sarcasm and negativity is directed absolutely at me, her mother, and only me. I understand that in mental illness, emotions cant always be controlled however, she functions well around other people, just not me. I have bent over backwards to try to do all that I could to get her the help needed, I am supportive in the things she is able to do and I try not to push to hard when it's appropriate....As her mother and the main caregiver, there is little support from my husband in this area...he doesn't understand depression etc...and he works very long hours so I try not to bother him.. and I have not confided in many people about these problems or the stresses.....It has been many years of stress and I love my daughter dearly, but I don't know how long I can keep doing this. Any advice??
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I've been in your daughter's position. The best thing you can possibly do is to let her go and make her own mistakes.
I had the same issues with my parents. As such, I was booted from the house at 18. My parents provided financial assistance for my first year of university until I failed out (because of depression). I refused to get treatment, and they refused to interfere with my life. Things got really bad, but eventually I learned how to take care of myself. At 22 I'm in treatment for bipolar disorder, engaged, own a house, going to school (which I'm paying for on my own) and fully capable of behaving as a normal human being including honour roll marks.
You have to stop taking responsibility for your daughter's life. She is a grown woman now, and needs to be treated as such. If she doesn't want to go to treatment, you can't force it. You can, however, refuse to deal with her when she is disrespectful towards you.
Emotions can't necessarily be controlled, but behaviours can be. She just has no reason to be respectful towards you because you're pegging it all down to mental illness and blowing it off. Show her some consequences. Kick her out of the house if you need to. I know this goes against everything that being a parent is (I've talked to my parents about their decisions) but in the end what might hurt her now will save her later.
Whatever you do, don't treat your daughter like an invalid. Depression is incredibly common. Millions of people deal with it on a regular basis. Yes, it makes things incredibly difficult, but if you take any responsibility for yourself it's easily surmountable and you can live a productive, happy, healthy life.
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It's time for you to go to counselling and work on yourself.
If you want to find a way to stop bending over and taking it from your daughter far better you do that with the guidance of a professional.
You probably aren't going to learn overnight how to set up boundaries, how to stop allowing your daughter to abuse you, and how to stop empowering her to disrespect you. After all, you've spent the last two decades of her life teaching her to treat you like shit. Of course she gives you the lions share of her bullshit! Other people in her life would't put up with it. They would reject her or walk away from her. Moms can't do that. But Moms do have other tools to retrain nasty adult children.
Your daughter has a mental illness. With a diagnosis at 10 years old, she likely always will. If you want to learn how to live your life without being a slave to her mental health, you are going to have to do the very hard work to acquire those skills. If you are ready to take that hard work on, start it it with a professional counsellor.
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