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friend (ex boyfriend) borrowing money
How do i set limits on lending someone money? My ex-boyfriend and best friend is a great guy (wonderful) but he borrows money frequently. He will borrow money weekly if he thinks I have any cash.
He borrows large and small amounts; he simply asks for whatever amount he thinks (or discovers) I have and that he needs. I often forget all the 10 20 30 dollar loans so sometimes he pays money back and sometimes he does not. He currently owes me over a thousand.
He got really angry when I once asked him to sign a repayment agreement, so thats not an option. He expresses frustration if I try to give him a check rather than cash. I always try to avoid talking about money with him, but if i do or if he knows I have purchased any item for more than twenty bucks, he will comment that I must be doing okay financially and can he borrow money?
I did borrow money from him once about five years ago when I was unemployed and ill; he said it was a gift, but I decided we could take it off what he owed me from a year earlier. (this infuriated him- he wanted it to be a gift.)
I want to maintain our friendship because i enjoy his companionship. However, last week i lent him another five hundred and he wanted even more... it is too stressful. I told him I dont want to loan him anymore money. Today he called for another hundred.
I am a single mom with three college age kids. My 17 year old is still at home, and I spend more on my friend than i do on my daughter... this borrowing has got to stop. how can i set limits??
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
tell him how you feel. he should appriciate you for being honest.
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::Edit::
You've said you don't understand. It's not that hard, but you're confused because you feel cared for.
The anger though, is telling. The second you tried accountability, he got angry. That's the sign of an overt manipulator. In other words, he's acted however he has to act to make you think he's a great person. It's just effort to him, another manipulation. He makes you feel wanted and cared for, he gets money. Direct trade in his mind, probably to the degree that he's justified it.
You've got one of two people on your hands. A guy who is a cold, calculating manipulator who's not invested in you in the slightest and is consciously using you, and an asshole who sees his affection and the money as equal trade because he's giving something he doesn't care about and getting what he wants out of you, and thinks that it's a fair deal. He's invested in you to the degree that he wants you to be OK enough to give him what he wants.
The second is much more likely, because a manipulator will bail the second things get difficult to deal with, and the asshole will actively try to maintain his side of the relationship thinking that he's doing the right thing.
Stop letting yourself be used.
That's what he's doing. Whatever you think about the companionship, the companionship exists because he can get you to loan him 500 without any form of signature or documents and never have to pay it back.
He's milking you for all he can get.
The best thing to do at this point, is to cut him off entirely. Consider the loaned money an expensive lesson in how humans can selfishly behave, and do not ever speak to him again.
Anything else, and you'll just get used more. If you "set limits" he'll create his own life crises that you empathize with that he needs the money for. He will exploit you for as long as you allow it.
Why do you still allow it?
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How can you not see that this guy is using you?
You may enjoy his companionship but he's not a friend, he may be nice to you and have a good old chat and a giggle with you, of course he does because if he didn't then whereelse will he get the money?
He's asking you over and over again and for large amount because you always give in. The more you give him money it's just a green light to him to ask again because he always gets it. HE IS USING YOU!
Don't set any boudries except $0. Do not give him any money, if he notices you have something new then tell you it's because you saved for it and now you've spent up. WHat you are buying is for yourself and your 3 children and at the moment you are putting this user before your family.
Tell him enough is enough, you are not bailing him out anymore, if you wants money then tell him to earn it like any other person would and if he get's angry and decides to no longer be your friend, well then that's proof of how he has been using you all along.
If he was a friend he would not be putting you under this kind of pressure and upsetting you.
PLEASE don't give him money, if he calls you on the phone then tell him that your not giving him anymore, end of! And if he starts getting moody and asks you again, just hang up.
If he asks you at your door then shut the door in his face (or tell him to leave if he's in your home).
You need to put your family first.
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How much is this friendship worth to you? $2,000? $10,000? If you are looking for that kind of limit, I think you need to realize how insane that is.
You don't need a limit or a boundary, you need a full, complete and total stop. You need a large sign that reads
"The Bank. She is closed."
He is bullying you. He might be an otherwise great friend, but he is also a selfish bully and you are rewarding his most horrible and abusive behaviour.
Just stop loaning him money. Say no.
I realize it doesn't FEEL that easy, but despite your feelings about the situation, is IS that simple and there is no magical unicorn solution besides just that.
When he asks for money say "No. I'm not loaning you money."
when he asks again say "No. I said, I'm not loaning you money. If that is all you want to talk about, I'm going to say goodbye now."
He will throw temper tantrums! He will punish you for no longer giving in to his bullying! He might say mean things. He might even end the friendship. He will probably never pay you back! But he probably wasn't going to anyways!
Make your peace with the risk of loosing him OR decide in yourself that your friendship is worth tens of thousands of dollars, because that is what it will likely cost you over the years. If that is your choice, then admit to yourself that you are making that choice: You are choosing to pay someone to maintain intimacy. At least that way, you wont be angry with him. You'll have accepted it as your own choice.
If you can't say no, and still have his friendship and respect, then you never actually had his friendship or respect in the first place. You'll be richer in the end. And if your friendship survives, it will have the chance to become a real friendship, between two equals, instead of a co-dependancy, where he needs your money, and you need him to like you.
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